Friday, June 29, 2007
Thursday, June 21, 2007
First of all, the Onion is killing me on a regular basis. Anyone see the article entitled something in the neighborhood of, "Prince Fielder Dies of Inside the Park Home Run"? Quality. They must have warehouses and warehouses packed full of monkeys on typewriters to come up with the stuff they do.
Meanwhile, the Minnesota Genetically Identical Siblings Born Shortly One After Anothers have been doing a fantastic impression of a Valleyfair ride lately (read: all season), and it has got me thinking. When does one decide that one's team is just a .500 team? How much evidence is necessary? This is not to say that I believe this to be the case with respect to the '07 Twins. But should I? Sure they haven't won more than four games in a row all season, and sure they've hovered around .500 all season. But they're also a mere 5 and a third (games started by Ponson only count partially since it was clearly a joke) games back of the division lead right now. And how many games did the freaking Cardinals win last year?
It was these kinds of thoughts that ricocheted from the crumbling drywalled recesses of my brain last night as I sat through the 12-inning pitchers' duel (is there a better kind?) with my tow-headed amour at Metrodome. You know that point in your fandom where you'd give anything yes anything if only this damned game would end so you could go to bed already? Where streaming masses of pinstripe and stirrup-clad little leaguers parade for the exits right past you with the game yet hanging in the balance? Where you would like to question their fandom, but get a giddy little thrill when your (so far this year) spotty lefty reliever comes into the game, and there is the slight hope that you can slide beneath your comforter oh-so-very soon? It's a moral dilemma people. A quandry if you will. And it was an exact microcosm last night for my general feelings about my club as we near the midpoint of the season.
My loyalty as a sports afficionado demands that I stay til the end of the game, and that I never give up on my club, no matter how "Royal-y" the season. But my medulla oblongata demands sleep -- a proper amount of time for my neurons to rest and prepare for the flood of coffee and sunshine and over-enthusiastic office workers that is imminent once the sun rises next. And other parts of my brain demand that I don't fixate on a club that is going nowhere, no matter how many hopeful teases and rationalizations there are to the contrary...
Current whisperings in my ear:
*Did it last year from farther back
*Just make the playoffs and anything can happen
Why can't the different parts of my brain just get along?
Friday, June 15, 2007
First off…here’s a list of people I’d rather see pinch hit for Jason Bartlett:
1: Jeff Cirillo
2: The back-up, back-up catcher…I mean that’s why we have him on the roster, right? No? Oh…then why do we have him on the roster?
3: Bernardo Brito
4: Carlos Silva
5: Luis Rodriguez
6: Lew Ford (I just threw up a little)
In what universe is it logical to have a light, hitting back-up outfielder hit for your light-hitting starting shortstop? True, Bartlett has been struggling. But what could you write about Bartlett that you couldn’t copy/paste for Tyner?
No power? Check.
Low average? Check.
Speedy? Check…but you have to get a hit first.
Now…before I dig myself too deep into a lack-of-information hole, I need to remind our faithful readers that, as a bearded socialist, I have turned away from the soul-crushing, brain-washing, electric sex that is television. Consequently, all my live Twins info comes through the Gluek’s tinted glasses of The Dazzler and Gordo. So, if any of the above players were unavailable due to injury, sleep deprivation, or ‘cuz they suck donkey balls…I didn’t get the memo.
The point is…well, the point is what’s the point of having the roster like this? There’s not ONE bat on the bench you trust more than Jason Tyner? I LOVE Tyner as a back-up outfielder/pinch runner. My affinity for Jarvis Brown is well documented…and I’d welcome Jarvis Brown 2.0 on this team. BUT NOT AS A PINCH HITTER!
Not funny, Gardy. Not funny. That’s the kind of move that makes me start to wonder if you bet on the Braves last night. Too bad the other back-up catcher…the one who likes his junk a lot…ruined your night. Does that mean Ulger had to buy the pitcher of Hamm’s?
(And since we’re in this mood today…how excited are you, twenty years from now, at the new, new stadium to have our own Monument Park behind the outfield fence? I see Namesake there. I see the Fightin’ Canadian. Johizzy. Possibly Trever Plouffe.
I love Bob Wickman. Go Twins. Scott Baker owns the Brewers.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Baseball purist John McGee was horrified and disappointed today to be beaten to death today by an attacker wielding an aluminum baseball bat.
“Oh, this is terrible!” yelled out McGee when his mugger began beating him with a DeMarini Voodoo baseball bat made with space-age SC-3 aluminum alloy and a composite handle. “Why, God, why? Why kill me with an aluminum bat? This is no way for a person to go!”
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Monday, June 11, 2007
Thursday, June 07, 2007
Things we can expect to happen now that LNP and Bart have homered in the same game:
MLB finally will televise their draft, but will schedule it for a weekday afternoon when no one can see it. (Oh wait…)
Papelboner will give up a home-run to Slappy which will inspire a mini-run from the MFY’s and a panic attack by The Nation. (Oh wait…)
Gary Sheffield will manage to again piss off just about anyone with a pulse by saying something incredibly stupid . (Oh wait…)
The Twins will pull The Jesus off of the DL, bat him second, send Lew Fordwalker to Rochester, and start Johan on two days rest next Tuesday knowing that I’ll be at the game. (I can dream…)
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
I’d totally rather be pitching bp right now
Like, if I bat my DH ninth often enough…do you think that bitch Terry Ryan will finally get the hint? What if I just start letting my pitchers hit?
T-Rye and I used to be so close…but he’s going to have to choose; Me or Bartlett. There’s no in-between
Joey M better not think he’s going to get away with not calling me this weekend
Do you think Jo-Jo would bat 2nd for me when he comes back…would I have to go all the way with him first? OMG!
Would I look good with longer hair?
I really thought I was totally over Rondell…but I know if he calls, I’ll take him back
I wish Al Newman wasn’t still mad at me…but there’s NO WAY I’m calling him first.
Scott Ulger is such a tool
I wish Jim Leyland wouldn’t smoke so much…it’s so not hot.
I hope Lew knows I’m the only reason he’s even here…and he better not forget it.
Justin tried to talk about hockey with me yesterday. What-ever, dork. He’s so awkward.
Where IS Canada, anyway?
Oh look…big surprise. Johan’s raising his hand again. He always thinks he has the answer.