Heh!

My favorite team has been shut-out ten times this year. The players are whining. The GM is wandering. And every day the press tells me the Twins are either surging toward the playoffs, or completely out of it. Every day.

I do not have the proper locution to describe my feelings.

But you know who does?

Mr. James Brown.

Like a dull knife

Just ain't cutting

Just talking loud

Then saying nothing

Just saying nothing

Just saying nothing

You can't tell me

How to run my life down

You can't tell me

How to keep my business sound

You can't tell me

What I'm doing wrong

When you keep driving and

Singing that same old money song

You can't tell me

Which way to go

Cause three times seven

And then some more

You can't tell me, hey

You're like a dull knife

Just ain't cutting

You're just talking loud

And saying nothing

Just saying nothing

Just saying nothing

Don't tell me

How to do my thing

When you can't, can't

Can't do your own

Dont tell me how to be a boy

When, when you know I'm grown

Can't use me like a woman

Woman throws away her dress

And you can't tell me, hey

How to use my mess

You're like a dull knife

Jack, you just ain't cutting

You're just talking loud

Then saying nothing

Just saying nothing

And saying nothing

Shape up your bag

Don't worry bout mine

My thing together

And a doing fine

Good luck to you

Just allow you're wrong

Then keep on singing that

Same old money song

Then keep on singing that

Same old money song

Just keep on singing that

Same old money song

Just keep on singing that

Same old money song

Just keep on singing that

Same old money,oww

I got to go, I want yo

I musta, I got to

Ashes ashes and a dust to dust

I musta, jump on back

I'm doing a, my hands

I say I will, the point

Is too dark to fill

You say I cant

You're phony, you're phony

I said, I said, you're phony...




You’re goddamn right, James…goddamn right.

Hops' Corner of Negativity

Yeah, we won!

Like most of you, I was not looking forward to reading stories this morning about anemic offenses and lack of run support for the Greatest Lefty of All-Time. But, also like most of you, I felt that tremor of hope when Tubby Bubby Wickman was brought in to "close" the game. And I too rejoiced when Naked Catcher ended another ridiculous and exciting inning of slapping the ball around the infield. Really, I did. But after the Jubilee...did anyone else flashback to the 8th inning with a tilted, dog like look of confusion?

Wait…Jason Tyner pinch-hit for Jason Bartlett in the 8th inning?

First off…here’s a list of people I’d rather see pinch hit for Jason Bartlett:


1: Jeff Cirillo

2: The back-up, back-up catcher…I mean that’s why we have him on the roster, right? No? Oh…then why do we have him on the roster?

3: Bernardo Brito

4: Carlos Silva

5: Luis Rodriguez

6: Lew Ford (I just threw up a little)

In what universe is it logical to have a light, hitting back-up outfielder hit for your light-hitting starting shortstop? True, Bartlett has been struggling. But what could you write about Bartlett that you couldn’t copy/paste for Tyner?

No power? Check.
Low average? Check.
Speedy? Check…but you have to get a hit first.

Now…before I dig myself too deep into a lack-of-information hole, I need to remind our faithful readers that, as a bearded socialist, I have turned away from the soul-crushing, brain-washing, electric sex that is television. Consequently, all my live Twins info comes through the Gluek’s tinted glasses of The Dazzler and Gordo. So, if any of the above players were unavailable due to injury, sleep deprivation, or ‘cuz they suck donkey balls…I didn’t get the memo.

The point is…well, the point is what’s the point of having the roster like this? There’s not ONE bat on the bench you trust more than Jason Tyner? I LOVE Tyner as a back-up outfielder/pinch runner. My affinity for Jarvis Brown is well documented…and I’d welcome Jarvis Brown 2.0 on this team. BUT NOT AS A PINCH HITTER!

Not funny, Gardy. Not funny. That’s the kind of move that makes me start to wonder if you bet on the Braves last night. Too bad the other back-up catcher…the one who likes his junk a lot…ruined your night. Does that mean Ulger had to buy the pitcher of Hamm’s?

(And since we’re in this mood today…how excited are you, twenty years from now, at the new, new stadium to have our own Monument Park behind the outfield fence? I see Namesake there. I see the Fightin’ Canadian. Johizzy. Possibly Trever Plouffe.

And of course, The Jesus. But I see his monument being somewhere closer to second base. It’ll be cute, like the hill in center down in Houston.)

I love Bob Wickman. Go Twins. Scott Baker owns the Brewers.