Picture Pages-Milwaukee Brewers

Friday:

Twins 7 Brewers 6

Joe Mauer had it all. A #1 draft pick, former High School All-American, and hometown hero to millions of kids in St. Paul, MN (yes, there are millions of kids in St. Paul...have you been lately?) But his lack of power despite being 6'5", 240lbs drove him from the game he loves. He spent years working as a warming house attendant on Lake Phalen, trying to forget all those 4-3 put-outs. As he's finally coming to terms with abject failure, something drives him from his self-imposed exile. He learns his long-estranged son is taking an interest in baseball, and that his favorite player is Ryan Howard. Joe sends his son a letter asking, "How can a .215 hitter with a .310 on-base percentage be your favorite hitter?" He waits an agonizing three weeks before finally receiving a postcard as reply. It's a picture of a pile of money and on the back is written:

20. Home. runs. In June.

Joe is enraged! He immediately goes through a fifteen minute training montage complimented with inspirational music by Tim Mahoney, rejoins the Twins, and begins dominating baseball like no one has ever seen...culminating in his crushing of a Guillermo Mota fastball into the folded up football seats that pass for centerfield in the Metrodome to power the Twins over the Brewers.

Twins win 10 in a row. Joe Mauer regains the love of his son.

Saturday:

Brewers 5 Twins 1

Finding the National League utterly ridiculous, the Twins decide to play Saturday's game with one Nick Punto tied behind their backs. The Brewers prove that not even National League teams lose to teams with Nick Punto hitting second. We heart you Alexi Casilla!


Sunday:
Twins 5 Brewers 0


Kevin Slowey eats the worm...finishes what he started. Believe it or not, Delmon Young hits another home run. No word yet on how he feels about Susan Sontag or long, slow deep kisses that last three days. The streak is at one.

From the Bureau of W.T.F.

The Jesus gets 2 R'sBI on a sac fly to center. Sure, the guy fell down...but that second runner doesn't even get waved home if it's not C-Button. Watch it here.

The conspiracy continues...Major League Baseball REFUSES to post video of either of Joe Mauer's home runs this week. See...I'm not the only hater.

Instead...let's learn about HOW Joe Mauer became, well, Joe Mauer:






Finally, for those with terrible, soul-sucking, meaningless jobs, follow today's MLB draft here.

Update:

Here's Mauer's home run

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Sloppy Seconds

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Kaiser:
Speaking of soul-sucking jobs, or at least REALLY slow days at a tolerable one, how about a semi-live blog for today's get-away game to get through the afternoon? I'll give you a topic: where does the term "rubber game" come from? If I was playing Balderdash, I would guess that it was from the contraception industry, indicating that the term rubber is roughly equivalent to "life-changing" in popular parlance among baseball- and mating-inclined individuals. Thoughts?

Kaiser:
Hello? Hello?

My sources (Hops) tell me Hops is ACTUALLY working this afternoon and therefore unable to participate. Weird. Guess I will hijack my own semi-live blog...

Kaiser:
Mike Redmond doing his best Joe Mauer impression....don't worry no sideburns jokes coming...I just meant by hitting third in the lineup and catching and whatnot. Twins lead 1-0 after the double scores Alexi Casilla-ingEyeSingle.

Kaiser:
Nick Mar-rake-us ensures Baker won't make it past the 4th inning (pitch-count-wise) with a prolonged at-bat ending in a 2-run shot to left. Not funny. Do I hear tune-up music from Brian "Stand up" Bass?

Kaiser:
Wow, I sit corrected. Baker ends up throwing 90-something pitches, which I guess is okay because his sore groin (ding!) didn't actually throw any of the pitches.

Kaiser:
Don't look now, but Alexi is hitting .353 overall after his third straight hit today. Okay now look. Twins tie it up at 2.

Kaiser:
Aw crap. Baltimore's version of C Button, Adam Jones (A Button, I suppose), puts the O's ahead by hitting the ball over the blue fence thingy on the edge of the outfield. Apparently that is known as a home run, but they're on the road, so you figure it out.

Kaiser:
Justin Morneau starts a nifty 3-6-3 double play to stop the bleeding. SURE. Hustle and get back to the bag NOW when I'm no longer playing Twingo and need the 3-6-3 and a 2-U for a family dinner at Applebees prize pack.

Kaiser:
Twins make their first-round selection in the baseball draft. I'm sure there will be numerous strong opinions on whether this selection was "good" or "not good" coming out soon for you to reference. For us at TWT, we prefer writing intentional fiction, so we will not be commenting. And obviously, we need to wait for those opinions to come out to do our standard ridiculing.

Kaiser:
Baby Jesus in to pinch hit with two on and two out in the eighth. There will be no video of a home run for this at bat either. Not sure the internet is to blame this time.

Kaiser:
Suck

Graven Images That Make Baby Jesus Cry

"Man, this guy throws slow, I'm going to tattoo this shit."

"What the hell was THAT thing?"

And then:

Plus

Means:

"Game Over, Man"