Aww, Smitty, That's Cute

I have refreshing beverage for you:

And in honor of Mr. Sparkle, I hear it's a nice mixer for Santori times.

Ring-a-ding-ding, babe.

Graven Images That Make Baby Jesus Cry

"Man, this guy throws slow, I'm going to tattoo this shit."

"What the hell was THAT thing?"

And then:

Plus

Means:

"Game Over, Man"

May Fools? Please?

EEEEK:

but don’t count on seeing Ortiz in pinstripes anytime soon, even though he dons a Yankees cap in a new ESPN commercial featuring him and Jorge Posada.

“It’s not what you think,” Ortiz cries when the Red Sox mascot catches him in the act.

That raised the blood pressure unnecessarily.

Part the Deux

You might have heard that the Sawx and Yanks are playing this weekend. Again. In NYC this time though. As much fun as last weekend was, I'm finding it hard to find my excitement this early in the season. It could be that there is still snow on the ground, ice in the water up here in Icebergia doesn't make me think "baseball". It could also be that after tonites Daisuke "Clay" Matsuzaka vs. Andy Petitte match-up, we get such excitement as "Tim Wakefield and Kei Igawa star in Gopherball Derby" and I probably get to see Aaron f****g Boone a few hundred more times (sorry guys, doesn't work anymore - your febrile taunts bore me) and Julian Tavarez losing his mind after serving up A-Job April Homer's numbers 22 through 37. And Chien-Ming Wang, you can never forget the Wang.

But also, baseball just seems so silly right now, and that's mostly down to the rather bizarre story involving our namesake. No matter what Bud Selig tells you, there are no Royals in the champaign room. Seriously, Sammy Sosa's fivehead is going for six, Gary Matthews Jr. runs free, and someone is probably about to sign Raffy Palmeiro to the MLB equivalent of a ten-day, but we should be worried that Hunter sent a case'o'Cris to the Royals for assisting in last year's AL Central crown? Please.

In Little League, didn't everyone get a trophy? For most of the players on the Royals, this is that participation award. Thanks for playing guys, enjoy your bubbly, and your sparkly new Gil Meche. As for Mr. Selig, might I suggest that he team up with Alberto Gonzalez and tackle the true scourge of our day: Internet Pr0n.

P.S., I see your Twins Clubhouse Banter and raise you the Golden State Warriors. Boomwhatitdo?

My Downstairs Neighbors Think I'm Crazy

Because I was jumping up and down and screaming like an idiot.

Of course, were one to jump up and down and scream like an idiot this would be a pretty good reason:



That, or shooting a 59 at St. Andrews on Tiger-Tiger Woods Y'all, '07. As the official representative, I have to say that RSN is pretty chuffed at this point in the season. No one besides Papi is really hitting yet, Schilling is carrying a set of Dub-Deuces around his midsection still and Dice-K has been good-but-not-great. Yet we're in first place and just swept the MFY's, with Slappy making the final out twice. Of course, my mere posting of this will cause an immediate 10 of 12 losing binge. Good work Pooh.

Learn to love the payroll.

P.S.... PAPELBON!

Questions?

Much like Greg Oden on Monday night, DKM shows exactly what all the fuss is about:

Pitchers IP H R ER BB SO HR PC-ST ERA
D Matsuzaka 7.0 6 1 1 1 10 1 108-74 1.29

TESSIE, bitches.

Ok, so it was the Royals (now with 100% more Gil Meche!), so perhaps a glorified spring training game. But, uhm, that's how you do it, Curt Schilling.

And also, PAPELBON!