Picture Pages-Chicago White Sox

Tuesday:

Chicago 7 Twins 1

One of these guys has many hits. One of them is incapable of giving them up. Both are inexplicable. Joe Mauer manages only one lousy hit, but, when we grade on a curve, had a fantastic game.

Wednesday:

Twins 13 Chicago 1

We may be biased toward center fielders at this site, but, in the words of the great Trent Tucker...If you do not love Carlos Gomez, than you do not love yourself. C-Button hits for the cycle. Bizarro Nick Punto has 5 R'sBI. And the Ensorceller continues his tour of the American League to great fanfare. Good on you, boys.

Thursday:

White Sox 6 Twins 2

Was anyone else feeling really good about this week, only to look up and realize that the Twins dropped 2 of 3 to the Sox? The C-Button hangover lingers...apparently. Buckle-up, Twins fans. It's going to be that kind of season.

Flood Watch...still High and Dry and in first place by one game over Chicago.

"a single complete execution of a periodically repeated phenomenon"

"I didn't have in my mind, 'No, no, stay on second and go for the cycle,'" Gomez said. "I say, 'No, I go for third.'"

Keep mashing on that C-Button buddy...we love ya.

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Sloppy Seconds
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Hops:

I want to be clear about one thing...it does not go against baseball's unwritten "rules" for C-Button to bunt for a base hit either to break-up a no hitter or to complete the cycle. He bunts for base hits...that's what he does. Fuck you if you can't get him out. It's not the same thing as Justin Morneau dropping down a bunt 'cuz the 3rd baseman is playing back. That's not what he does. Carlos Gomez can bunt for a basehit any damn time he wants. He shits lightning for christ sake.

Hops:
For those without cable or who were attending baby class last night (or both!)...here's The Cycle:

Kaiser:
Agreed about the bunt. It definitely does not go against the rules of TW(o)T at the very least. Gomez did admit that he didn't want to bunt, however. Infield single on a chopper though...what's the freaking difference?

Kaiser:
Oh, by the way...Livan had a complete (almost shutout) game.

Hops:
Other random wonderfulness:

Not only a complete game, but also fielded his position, dare I say, spectacularly.

LNP with 5 R'sBI! Great game, Nicky. (Although it did spawn a ridiculous quote from SUlger about him being "too good" to be a role player...right.)

The bullpen is well rested for Slowey's return and Perkins' start on Saturday. Thank-you, Ensorceller.

Kaiser:
The Ensorceller...I like it. A lot. Much better than "Big Cat" as Bert "I Fucked it up let's do it again" Blyeleven calls him.

Would SUlger call us at TW(o)T "too good" to be just ordinary bloggers or have only 5 regular readers? Not sure if I'm ripping us or not there.

Kaiser:
Digression: it is somehow fitting that C Button accomplished his amazing cyclical feat...backwards. Not to mention that he SPRINTED around the bases after the lead-off homerun as if he had a donut tied to his ass and Sidney Ponson was chasing him.

Hops:
I don't know why it would be "fitting"...but it's interesting how some of these sports achievments have order forced upon them. (Such as a "natural" hat trick.) As if somehow it's more important that Gomez get a single first.

C-Button has five tools...one of them is the ability to avoid Sidney Ponson no matter the situation. One is he shits lightning. Another is he can swing a bat so hard it will power a small village for fifteen hours. He can also hold is breath underwater for six days. His last tool is an awl.

Revelation

Sure, for most Twins fans, last night's game might have been a bit of a course correction for expectations. We got caught under listening to the sweet swinging harmonies of the Manaheim Steamrollers. However, for me during pre-game intros I was hit by a lightning bolt - no, not from C Button's posterior - the inspiration kind....Bill Smith and Ron Gardenhire are geniusi (or whatever the plural of genius is). Consider these pseudo-facts sports fans:

1. Joe Mauer ALWAYS hits the ball to the second baseman with watchmaker-like precision. Even when he doesn't mean to. This is THE thing he does best.
2. Carlos Gomez ("C Button") may be the fastest player in baseball. He's stolen seventeen bases in two games.
3. When players in baseball attempt to steal second base, the second baseman is forced to cover second base, thereby leaving a momentary gap leading to right field.
4. Joe Mauer hits second behind Carlos Gomez

Go forth and preach my brothers!

Johan Who?

Santana, you idiots. 7IP, 8K’s…we’re going to go ahead and call that The Usual. Goodness gracious, who needs that every five days? (Damn it.)

But…our new favorite player managed to start the season like hot hot electricity was coming out of his heinie…and that makes this morning just a little bit better than all the other mornings since Johizzy was sent to the land of hookers and blow.

Official New Nickname Announcment:

We love Howard Sinker. We really do. And his take on Joe Mauer seems delightfully similar (and more G-rated) to ours:

joe-the-local-hero@babyj.org sent this to his cyberdiary: Dear Diary, I really like having Gogomez bat leadoff. If he’s on second base and I hit a grounder to second, guess what? He goes to third base. That happened twice tonight. Last year, whoever was batting ahead of me would probably still be on first base and those grounders probably would have been double plays. And one time, when Gogomez was on second, I smacked a single to center and he scored. I’m tied for the team lead in RBI right now Cool, huh?

But we’re officially killing the nickname Go-Go on this site, and replacing it with…C-Button. (Props to Smitty)

Did you see him beat out the bunt? Did you see him steal second base on a pitch-out? The only way those two plays happen (plus nearly over-running a ball in the gap) was if Gardy was holding down the C-Button.

Big ups to the new guys (except for Brendan Harris, who I've somewhat arbitrarily decided to hate) and congrats to Smitty for standing in line for three full innings in order to get the holy grail of all Metrodome food; The Chicago Dog.

You Can Do Nothing, You Can Do Something...

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

All along, we thought all we were trying to replace was Torii Hunter…but we forgot we also have another outfielder we need to replace…Sweet Lew Ford. And with quotes like this:

"They don't have no speed like me. I know I can help this team. Especially when I hit ahead of Morneau and the catcher and the other guy.'"

I think we’ve found our guy

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

Joe Mauer, love him or hate him, is the most boring human on the planet. Tied for #2? All Canadians. And I love magic tricks just as much as the next four year old, but I’m worried that if Cuddy’s the most interesting guy on this team, Bert Blyleven might go crazy and start swearing on live television.

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

I won’t spend a lot of time ranting about this today…but my favorite team is cheap. Super cheap. I bet Jim Pohlad’s the kind of guy who goes out to dinner with friends, drinks four beers, leaves early, throws $10 on the table and says,“That should cover me”. Jerk. So, don’t you, like, at least have to TRY to entertain us a bit? The kid’s going to make LOTS of mistakes in centerfield…but, Christ, it’s the Metrodome. Willie Mays would look silly for a game or two.

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

His ability to shit lightning isn’t something you see every day.

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

It will make Tony Oliva happy…and I think that’s something we can all get on board with.


The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

You traded Johan Santana. You let Torii go. You signed TWO Houston Astros and neither of them is named Lance Berkman. Nick Punto is still on the team. You snowballed the city into giving you MILLIONS of dollars. Throw us a frickin’ bone here.

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

Someone Should Probably Stand Behind Second Base

A TWT scouting report on the three leading candidates to replace our favorite former Twin:


11 Jason Pridie
L/R
6-1
190
10/09/83



Little known fact…no one actually knows how to pronounce Jason Pridie’s name. This confusion has lead to the unusual situation where there have actually been five Jason Pridie’s over the last decade…all pretending to be THIS Jason Pridie. While at first an urban legend, this situation has become so well known that saying “The Pridie’s” is MLB's version of "The Aristocrats". Every player has their own story about their encounter with the Pridie’s…each more disgusting than the last. An excerpt from Michael Cuddyer’s:

…and this little guy comes up to me to shake my hand…and he’s COVERED in Cambodian Breast Milk…I mean, absolutely drenched. I ask him what his deal is, and he says, “My pinkie toes smell like pickled herring…you try”. I’m completely stunned and have no idea what to say…as I’m walking away, shaking my head, he yells “I wear donkey shit underwear…make that disappear, Magic Man”.

Despite this, he seems to really read the ball well off the bat...a key if you're going to play in the Dome.




2 Denard Span
L/L
6-0
195
02/27/84


Despite being the heir apparent to Torii Hunter the last three years, Span has yet to prove himself capable of doing anything other than not playing baseball very well. He even briefly tried adding additional, useless vowels to his name…spelling it Denaard for most of 2005. With his mentor gone, he’s been trying to ingratiate himself with other teammates this year…even going so far as to learn Canadian in an effort to get Justin Morneau to take him under his wing. That proved easier than expected, with Justin and Denard becoming fast friends and seen hanging out in Fort Meyers, drinking Molson and eating copious amounts of moose meat. Their unlikely partnership has even spawned it’s own hilarious, buddy-cop-show nickname…The MVP and The Guy Who Should Never Have Been Drafted. (I picture Paul Walker and Gary Coleman in the lead roles...someone get my agent on the phone!)




22 Carlos Gomez
R/R
6-4
195
12/04/85

Carlos Gomez, when out with teammates, has been known to order a beer, throw-it down in one drink, and precede to eat the bottle. That’s right, Carlos Gomez eats glass. And shits lightning. He is so fast that he can turn out the lights in Joe Mauer’s bedroom and already be in bed with Joe’s mother by the time it gets dark. That’s fast!


He’s also 23 years old. And Dominican. Which means he’s actually 26 years old and knows that if he doesn’t make it as a Major Leaguer this year, all the 14 year-old prospects back home will call him a pussy. But probably in Spanish.

When told he was being traded for Johan Santana, owner of the league’s best change-up, Carlos replied, “Slow pitches are okay for Venezuela…but in the Dominican, if a pitcher throws slower than 95 mph we make him attend his next cock-fight naked while holding a fifty pound bag of sunflower seeds”





Okay...so I’m not “officially” a scout or coach for the Twins…but I’d pick the guy bangin’ Joe Mauer’s mom.