Monday, February 25, 2008

Someone Should Probably Stand Behind Second Base

A TWT scouting report on the three leading candidates to replace our favorite former Twin:

11 Jason Pridie

Little known fact…no one actually knows how to pronounce Jason Pridie’s name. This confusion has lead to the unusual situation where there have actually been five Jason Pridie’s over the last decade…all pretending to be THIS Jason Pridie. While at first an urban legend, this situation has become so well known that saying “The Pridie’s” is MLB's version of "The Aristocrats". Every player has their own story about their encounter with the Pridie’s…each more disgusting than the last. An excerpt from Michael Cuddyer’s:

…and this little guy comes up to me to shake my hand…and he’s COVERED in Cambodian Breast Milk…I mean, absolutely drenched. I ask him what his deal is, and he says, “My pinkie toes smell like pickled herring…you try”. I’m completely stunned and have no idea what to say…as I’m walking away, shaking my head, he yells “I wear donkey shit underwear…make that disappear, Magic Man”.

Despite this, he seems to really read the ball well off the bat...a key if you're going to play in the Dome.

2 Denard Span

Despite being the heir apparent to Torii Hunter the last three years, Span has yet to prove himself capable of doing anything other than not playing baseball very well. He even briefly tried adding additional, useless vowels to his name…spelling it Denaard for most of 2005. With his mentor gone, he’s been trying to ingratiate himself with other teammates this year…even going so far as to learn Canadian in an effort to get Justin Morneau to take him under his wing. That proved easier than expected, with Justin and Denard becoming fast friends and seen hanging out in Fort Meyers, drinking Molson and eating copious amounts of moose meat. Their unlikely partnership has even spawned it’s own hilarious, buddy-cop-show nickname…The MVP and The Guy Who Should Never Have Been Drafted. (I picture Paul Walker and Gary Coleman in the lead roles...someone get my agent on the phone!)

22 Carlos Gomez

Carlos Gomez, when out with teammates, has been known to order a beer, throw-it down in one drink, and precede to eat the bottle. That’s right, Carlos Gomez eats glass. And shits lightning. He is so fast that he can turn out the lights in Joe Mauer’s bedroom and already be in bed with Joe’s mother by the time it gets dark. That’s fast!

He’s also 23 years old. And Dominican. Which means he’s actually 26 years old and knows that if he doesn’t make it as a Major Leaguer this year, all the 14 year-old prospects back home will call him a pussy. But probably in Spanish.

When told he was being traded for Johan Santana, owner of the league’s best change-up, Carlos replied, “Slow pitches are okay for Venezuela…but in the Dominican, if a pitcher throws slower than 95 mph we make him attend his next cock-fight naked while holding a fifty pound bag of sunflower seeds” I’m not “officially” a scout or coach for the Twins…but I’d pick the guy bangin’ Joe Mauer’s mom.


Kaiser said...

Bravo sir.

When you put R/R, that refers to "Bats right, drinks right", right? (pun)

If you shit lightning, what happens when it gets a little...for lack of a less-gross term...runny?

Hops said...

runny lightning poop=dawn

Did you notice The Pridie's bats lefty but throws righty. What a confused motherfucker.

Kaiser said...

Maybe that's why he can't hit.
(rim shot)
(not the porn one -- the drum one)
(oh wait, that's 'rim job')
(better stop parenteticalizing before I get myself in (more) trouble)