Don't feel sorry for them, they have a nicer stadium

From Article 3, Subsection 2.4 of The Craig Monroe Doctrine

"AL Central dominance is not to be considered, under any circumstances, by the Kansas City Royals"

Phew!

My favorite part of last night's THRILLING comeback victory over the (sigh) Kansas City Royals was actually not the part where President Monroe treated Joel Peralta like the declining Spanish Empire...although the resulting "whooping" was a fun way to wake up the rest of my house (wife and dog).

No, what I ended up remembering most today is the post-game interview between Dan Gladden and our new favorite pinch hitter.

Like many who enjoy the internets and have time to kill at work, I read Bill Simmons. It would seem I rarely think much of what he has to say, but I read everything he writes...so that's something. I really enjoy it when he exchanges emails (now podcasts...not as interesting) with writers such as Malcolm Gladwell and Chuck Klosterman...fellows who can move in and out of the sports world with a much greater sense of ease and self. Inevitably, those exchanges expose Mr. Simmons inferiority as a writer and thinker.

I mention this not to bash the Sports Guy. I look forward to the day when he leaves ESPN and gets back to being funny (aided greatly by the decline of the Red Sox and Patriots, I hope).

No I mention this because last night I listened to Craig Monroe speak eloquently about his big at-bat, his excitement over pre-game work playing out during the game, his difficulties adjusting to life as a part-time player, and his willingness to embrace the role. It was thorough and thoughtful. And it made the interviewer, Dan Gladden, sound like a mutt. Thankfully, Craig seemed to be responding to what Gladden should have been asking, and not what was actually coming out of his mouth. I think "Dazzle" may be a great guy to sit down with and have a beer, but his ability to elocute what's happening on the field has not developed much over the (three?) years he's been broadcasting. He still sinks his teeth into mundane topics for multiple innings, he still gets too excited during a big play to accurately describe what's going on, and he still forgets to structure his sentences with a beginning and an end...all at the expense of describing the play. I'm too young to say that I "miss" a more simplistic approach to broadcasting...but I'd welcome it.

Fun game. Let's have more of them.

(Delmon gets a day off today, right? C'mon, give the kid a seat on the bench and help him get his head straight)

Picture Pages-Detroit Tigers

Friday:

Twins 9 Tigers 4

Mike Lamb EXPLODES (not literally)! In light of his former teammate's new nickname...I'm going to annoint him The Big Tabby until further notice. Kevin Slowey earns partial credit for the win, but no nickname.

Saturday:

Tigers 19 Twins 3

Uh-oh, Juan Rincon. Looks like there's going to be some competition for "Pitcher we least want to see come out of the bullpen" soon. Damn, Boof...you suck.

Sunday:

Twins 6 Tigers 1

Jason Kubel goes Good Salami. Howard has ideas for the outfield. Something has to be done about Cuddyer...even if it's simply dropping him down in the order. How about this ridiculous line-up suggestion:

Mauer

Gomez

Morneau

Kubel

Harris (starting shortstop)

Young

Cuddyer

Lamb

Casilla (or Punto)

(2 of 3 on the road in Detroit is a good thing)

Picture Pages-Texas Rangers

Monday:

Twins 7 Texas 6

Tank da lord for the Twins' minor league depth. Hot prospects Bobby Korecky and Howie Clark save the game with their arms, bats, and ridiculous, child-like first names.

Tuesday:

Twins 11 Texas 4

Home Runs? No thank-you. You may worry that Ozzie Guillen will run out of small, ferocious animals to describe the Twins' offense...but you forget that he hasn't even gotten to fizzgig yet. Kaiser is working on a "Chicks Dig Station to Station Baseball" tee-shirt.

Wednesday:

Texas 10 Twins 1

With the untimely death of Andruw Jones, the title of "Best Player Eligible to Play for The Netherlands National Baseball Team" is between Jair Jurrgens and that guy, huh? Is it me, or should we probably not lose to that guy? Fuck it, I'm going for a smoke and a pancake.

Thursday:

Texas 8 Twins 7

Ladies...better take your swings now. The stud fee for Josh Hamilton is about to go up.

I Like Joe

One of the first times I've wholeheartedly agreed with extreme head-nodding to something Gleeman has said:

After collecting multiple hits in each of the past three games, Joe Mauer now leads the AL with a .336 batting average. He also ranks fourth in the league with a .406 on-base percentage and only Kurt Suzuki has logged more innings behind the plate. For all the silly, Dan Barreiro-style talk about Mauer not coming through in the clutch or not making a huge impact because of a lack of power, Mauer ranks third among AL hitters in Win Probability Added, trailing only and Manny RamirezJosh Hamilton.

Once you adjust for catcher being the worst-hitting position in baseball and throw in his considerable defensive value, a WPA-based analysis likely shows Mauer as the league's most valuable position player thus far. Some homers would certainly be nice, but anyone complaining about a player hitting .330 and getting on base at a .400 clip while playing the most physically demanding, least-offensive position is merely doing a fine job showing how little they really know about baseball.



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Sloppy Seconds
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Kaiser:
Hops, apparently you don't know anything about baseball.
Gleeman's impeccable logic has left you comment-less.

Hops:
Yes, it's true...I have, from time to time, been a bit demanding of Baby Jesus. But I don't believe I've voiced displeasure during his latest singles spree, have I? I do belive, and have been consistent on this, that he is hitting in the wrong spot in the order. His style seems better suited to a #1 or #2 hitter in the order. I am happy that the "his power will come" talk has died down. But if he continues to bat third, I expect more run production out of him. And, before someone shoves the on-base percentage of the Twins 8,9,1, and 2 hitter down my throat, occasionally that means creating runs with little or no help from the other guys dressed like you.

Kaiser:
Don't hate the Jesus (or fuck with him), hate the Game. "Game" in this instance will be represented by Ron Gardenhire and his line-up sheet. Speaking of "his power will come", Delmon just hit into a double play ball with two on ... after The Ensorceller's +2 fire spells were apparently failing as he gave up 4 runs in the first to the 3rd level mage's from Texas. I think he should conjur +4 Legendary Liriano Slider in the second.

Hops:
It doesn't help that he's the most boring human on the planet. Really. Anti-Mauer just drove in two runs...waking up John Gordon.

Hops:
If C-Button is the most interesting player on the roster...who's the least? Delmon's got to be on that list, right?

Kaiser:
I would say Delmon's a solid 1A, only possibly behind Mr. Lamb, who is way more out like one (lamb, that is) than in like a lion. Mr. March (backasswardsly).

Big day for C Button today, btw. And Morneau with a huge 2 RBI single to tie it at 7s. THAT's how a clean-up hitter should....er...clean up.

Smitty:
C Button did have a huge game. Can someone explain why Nathan can't go two innings, especially when it's their 1-2-3 guys so this year's MVP (Hamilton) doesn't hit a game winning, two out HR against use? Doesnt' Gardy look at Hamilton's stats everyday to see that he truely is the re-incarnation of Roy Hobbs?

I've hears Lamb on the radio a couple times and he's a pretty funny dude. Definately would vote for Delmon as the most boring Twin. Not sure if you saw the Telly/Delmon interview around the beginning of the season. Seemed fake or scripted it was so bad. Couldn't pull myself away from the car wreck.

Picture Pages--Colorado Rockies

In honor of the third/fourth place tie with the Kansas City Royals, today's Picture Pages will be entirely BBQ-based.

Friday:

Twins 4 Colorado 2

For many people, BBQ begins and ends with ribs. They are "the usual". They offer security and safety and, generally, are a sure thing. Strong pitching performance, weak hitting, and the opposing team's star player is out with an injury. This was a BBQ rib game for the Twins.

Saturday:

Colorado 3 Twins 2

Ahh...the Corn Muffin. Capable of single-handedly complimenting a BBQ plate. Sure, there's slaw and beans and (dully) french fries. But none can quite hold their own the way a good Corn Muffin can. However, if the meat is dry and the rub too salty...the Corn Muffin doesn't matter. Livan ensorcells the hitters, fields his position, and sac bunts a run across. Twins lose. Livan, you are my Corn Muffin.

Sunday:

Colorado 6 Twins 2

The Combo Platter. A little bit of everything...usually including at least one thing you won't like. (For me, it's the BBQ chicken. I don't care if you grilled it on hickory smoke, and served it with your grandmother's special secret sauce...it's still chicken). For the Twins, the Combo Platter represents how they've managed to be both old and slow, and young and inexperienced. Enjoy that!

Picture Pages - Toronto Blue Jays

Wednesday
Twins 3, Jays 5 ....Matt Stairs kills the Twins AGAIN just after Scott Rolen tuckers out our toddling little Brad-Radke-in-training Kevin Slowey with a 15 pitch at bat in the 6th. Actually, Slowey pitched okay but the Twins decided they had scored way too many runs against the Red Sox the prior 4 games and decided to take it down a bit so as not to raise suspicion and expectations. In the business, we call it a "let down".


Thursday
Twins 5, Canucks (minus Morneau -- he's OURS) 3 ....Matt Stairs kills the Twins AGAIN, but this time gets it out of the way early (more bad salami). Jesse Crain continues to have control problems, this time by hitting a (wide open, mind you) Ron Gardenhire in the dugout. Gardy does his best TK impression by characterizing the play as "not good" during post-game interviews, all in a very deadpan TK Way...and probably swearing a lot (which is also a TK Way thing). Did you blink while the Twinks were in first place?



Friday
Twins 2, BJs (hee hee) 3 ....Matt Stairs not allowed to play until the 10th, thereby giving the Twins a slim chance of victory (thanks BJs manager! I didn't catch your name). Unfortunately, Twins leave 11 runners on base and Twins fans call for the instatement of ghost runners so that the situation isn't so mentally taxing and we can pretend like they're not there. Twins regulars send a "We're Sorry" card from Target to Glen Perkins.



Also, a tidbit. I saw this in one of the box scores from the series (click to enlarge -- see arrows).


I guess I didn't realize that this was legal in major league baseball (WARNING: Cheap shots ahead!!) Tell me again why we need to bring in Brendan Harris to strike out for Mike Lamb, and Craig Monroe to fly out for Alexi Casilla? They're big leaguers now! They can do it themselves!

Picture Pages-Boston Red Sox

Hallmark presents a very special, musical edition of Picture Pages.


Friday:
Twins 7 BoSox 6



If they hate, then let 'em hate, Mike Lamb. You got to shine.


Saturday:
BoSox 5 Twins 2



Terrible game. Terrible song. I really think so.


Sunday:
Twins 9 BoSox 8



Craig Monroe, shine your light on the world. (Or at least those with ESPN)


Monday:
Twins 7 BoSox 3





Steve Perry, you magnificent bastard, sing the song. Sing our song.

Picture Pages-Chicago White Sox

Tuesday:

Chicago 7 Twins 1

One of these guys has many hits. One of them is incapable of giving them up. Both are inexplicable. Joe Mauer manages only one lousy hit, but, when we grade on a curve, had a fantastic game.

Wednesday:

Twins 13 Chicago 1

We may be biased toward center fielders at this site, but, in the words of the great Trent Tucker...If you do not love Carlos Gomez, than you do not love yourself. C-Button hits for the cycle. Bizarro Nick Punto has 5 R'sBI. And the Ensorceller continues his tour of the American League to great fanfare. Good on you, boys.

Thursday:

White Sox 6 Twins 2

Was anyone else feeling really good about this week, only to look up and realize that the Twins dropped 2 of 3 to the Sox? The C-Button hangover lingers...apparently. Buckle-up, Twins fans. It's going to be that kind of season.

Flood Watch...still High and Dry and in first place by one game over Chicago.

"a single complete execution of a periodically repeated phenomenon"

"I didn't have in my mind, 'No, no, stay on second and go for the cycle,'" Gomez said. "I say, 'No, I go for third.'"

Keep mashing on that C-Button buddy...we love ya.

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Hops:

I want to be clear about one thing...it does not go against baseball's unwritten "rules" for C-Button to bunt for a base hit either to break-up a no hitter or to complete the cycle. He bunts for base hits...that's what he does. Fuck you if you can't get him out. It's not the same thing as Justin Morneau dropping down a bunt 'cuz the 3rd baseman is playing back. That's not what he does. Carlos Gomez can bunt for a basehit any damn time he wants. He shits lightning for christ sake.

Hops:
For those without cable or who were attending baby class last night (or both!)...here's The Cycle:

Kaiser:
Agreed about the bunt. It definitely does not go against the rules of TW(o)T at the very least. Gomez did admit that he didn't want to bunt, however. Infield single on a chopper though...what's the freaking difference?

Kaiser:
Oh, by the way...Livan had a complete (almost shutout) game.

Hops:
Other random wonderfulness:

Not only a complete game, but also fielded his position, dare I say, spectacularly.

LNP with 5 R'sBI! Great game, Nicky. (Although it did spawn a ridiculous quote from SUlger about him being "too good" to be a role player...right.)

The bullpen is well rested for Slowey's return and Perkins' start on Saturday. Thank-you, Ensorceller.

Kaiser:
The Ensorceller...I like it. A lot. Much better than "Big Cat" as Bert "I Fucked it up let's do it again" Blyeleven calls him.

Would SUlger call us at TW(o)T "too good" to be just ordinary bloggers or have only 5 regular readers? Not sure if I'm ripping us or not there.

Kaiser:
Digression: it is somehow fitting that C Button accomplished his amazing cyclical feat...backwards. Not to mention that he SPRINTED around the bases after the lead-off homerun as if he had a donut tied to his ass and Sidney Ponson was chasing him.

Hops:
I don't know why it would be "fitting"...but it's interesting how some of these sports achievments have order forced upon them. (Such as a "natural" hat trick.) As if somehow it's more important that Gomez get a single first.

C-Button has five tools...one of them is the ability to avoid Sidney Ponson no matter the situation. One is he shits lightning. Another is he can swing a bat so hard it will power a small village for fifteen hours. He can also hold is breath underwater for six days. His last tool is an awl.

What's a cubit?

Well...that was ugly. Of all the craptacular efforts at the plate last night, I'd like to highlight Mr. Cuddyer and Mr. Young in particular. Not one solid swing from either of you the entire night. Gavin Floyd (#4 overall pick in the Joe Mauer draft, btw) should be sending you breakfast in bed this morning.

Moving on...enough with all these days off. What the heck am I supposed to do with all this free time? 40 games in 41 nights. I'm going to go way out on a bibilical limb and say this is a fairly important stretch of games.

Flood Watch Day One: Twins in first by one game over Chicago...High and Dry.


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Sloppy Seconds
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Kaiser: The best thing about last night was the comment in Lavelle's blog today basically saying, "Wow! Two big hits by Joe Mauer in two nights." If that isn't enough to get Hops' head exploding, I don't know what is...

Hops: I don't listen to LaVelle any more than I listen to you.

Check-out Rick Ankiel's AMAZING throws from last night.

http://mlb.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?mid=200805072655396

Kaiser: That's always been your fatal flaw.

Non-Great Baseball Mind question of the day: Why is Ankiel pitching from center field? Shouldn't he be on the mound?

Hops: It's like when a basketball player sucks at free throw shooting...so he takes a step back off the line.

Some people do better with a higher degree of difficulty.

Kaiser: Is that why Nick Swisher has that facial hair? To challenge himself with the ladies? And why did Jenks steal the rest of his beard?

Hops: Nick Swisher is footloose and fancy free. He has no time for your facial hair criticisms. If you're not careful, he may be inclined to challenge you to a dance-off.

Kaiser: More Swisher talk (shudder)...what do you have to say about this?

Picture Pages-Detroit Tigers First Place Edition!

Friday:

Twins 11 (really!) Tigers 1

What did Livan Hernandez say to Miguel Cabrera after getting him to pop-up a 14mph "curve" ball? "No soy Ramon Ortiz, burro!" No, Twins fans, this is a much different tightrope we're walking than last year's Ramon Ortiz Experience. Livan's ability to ensorcell hitters is much more mysterious. It's best to treat him like an eclipse and not look directly at him.

Saturday:

Twins 4 Tigers1

Scott Baker's got male problems...but the Twins have Brian "Stand-UP" Bass. If you pitch like this, we refuse to saddle you with fish nicknames. The Craig Monroe Doctrine Clause B Subsection 3..."Craig likes to shove things up Jim Leyland's ass"

Sunday:

Twins 7 Tigers 6

Holy shit. The Boof Bonser Corollary, Fat+6-Run First Inning=No Decision. Really? Kenny Rogers forgets to teach his infield that if you're going to play the game, you've got to learn to play it right. A big hit from Nick Punto is a sign of the Apocalypse...but Baby Jesus reminds us all whose house this is.

Picture Pages-Chicago White Sox

Tuesday:

Twins 3 White Sox 1

How cute...the Twins and White Sox are playing Pennant Race. Another addition to the Boof Bonser Corollary: Fat+Twingo=Riblets. 2/3 of TWT (plus friends with benefits) were in attendance to see Boof battle and Kubel crush. Played Twingo for the first time in my life...and maybe the last. Someone out there run the math on the likelihood of scoring a play 1-2. C'mon, Tom Mee...help a brother out

Wednesday:

Twins 4 White Sox 3

Question: What would the Twins do if Canada went on strike?

Answer: Lose baseball games.

Spree may not play well in the daytime...but Justin Morneau and Carlos Gomez do. And, as a special treat, C-Button and his game changing abilities are turning Gardy into Lou Brown. Love. It.

Quick Hit

I think Hops has something Twingo-related coming out today, but I couldn't resist posting this photo since it's Twins (vs. Rangers) related. Good thing he brought his "glove" to the game...apparently he wore it on the wrong "hand"....

(click here for larger image -- CAUTION: feelings are palpable)
(Due where due is credit: Defective Yeti)

We Get It...You Hate the Metrodome

Look who stopped by on a Tuesday...our old (fairweather) friend Mr. Hunter;






As someone who gets lost going to the corner to buy a newspaper...I sympathize a bit. But fuck you for making fun of the Dome. You can't make fun of our retarded little brother...only WE can make fun of our retarded little brother. (Karma bit him in the ass when the security guard didn't recognize him)

Picture Pages-Texas Rangers

In honor of the stars at night being big and bright (you know you just clapped), it’s a special, homespun wisdom version of Picture Pages:




Friday: “You won’t learn that any further up the creek”
Texas 6 Twins 5

Twins reminded that the only time you should ever completely rely on Canadians is if you’ve entered a pairs figure skating competition. C-Button, with his speed, hits the ball on the ground and legs out two bunt hits…tries it from the red tees for a third time, but hurts himself, as Man-Karma finally catches up with him. But it can only get better from here, right? I mean…it’s the Rangers

Saturday: “Give him time and he’ll come to his milk”

Twins wait out Ace…split doubleheader.

Game 1

Sidney Ponsons 6 Twins 1

Game 2

Twins 11 Non-Aruban Pitchers 0

Okay...you know how crappy you feel about your team this morning? Well, imagine if they'd lost THIS game.

Hey A-Rod, come play for MN…we value all 3-run home runs, no matter when you hit them! (See Cuddyer, Michael)

Sunday: You’re so ugly, you’d make a freight train take a dirt road.

Texas 11 Twins 0

I can't decide which number is more disturbing...but I'm pretty sure it's the 0.

Picture Pages - Oakland Athletics

Stupid west coast games. If California and/or the entire west coast eventually falls into the ocean because of a massive earthquake it will be sad for awhile, but maybe it will eliminate sporting events starting WAY past our bedtimes. Worth it? Tough call...


Tuesday: Twins 5, Oakland 4....The Monroe Doctrine was an announcement by the U.S. that its foreign policy would be fundamentally and morally opposed to colonialism (at least until it wasn't). It was the other thing we learned from the British besides how to properly harass a celebrity into anorexia and emotional distress. Slightly less known is the Craig Monroe Doctrine, which announced that Craig Monroe should always (and only) play when Joe Blanton is pitching. Good thing we got him for 7.6 times more money then Sweeney would have cost.


Wednesday: Twins 0, Oakland 3 ...we got beat by a French painter?



Thursday: Twins 2, Oakland 11....Oakland slams home a bold-faced data point in the New Francisco Experiment to indicate that F-bomb is not quite ready for primetime yet. Actually, the FCC would never allow an F-bomb in primetime anyway...maybe it's time for a nickname change? The Twins contribute a quarter to the swear jar and fly to Texas where everything is bigger (including starting pitcher's ERAs).

Further Feminine Musings from the East Coast

Back by popular demand to give the folks in flyover country a bit more east coast wisdom (and to give me an excuse to post another rap video)...ladies and gentlemen, the guest postess with the mostess...Crystal!




I’m back! Thanks for indulging me with a few (uh, a lot) more words in your corner of the internet, guys.

Let’s start with a miniature “picture pages” of my own, to set the scene appropriately.




Fenway Park:

I’m trying not to be too gushy here, but I’m really not sure there’s a better stadium around. It’s historic, it’s small, it’s green. It requires attention paid to the elements, it has the most kick-ass scoreboard in professional sports, and no crazy gourmet food stands selling nonsense like sushi and crepes. Speaking of…

The Food:

Now, let me be clear: my Fenway Frank looked nothing like this one. The thought of brown mustard and relish kind of makes me throw up in my mouth. But overall, it’s a solid dog. The bun is what really throws you off—imagine folded Wonder Bread cradling your wiener. (Ding!) It’s supposedly a “New England” thing…but I think they’re just too cheap to shell out for real buns. (For an excellent overview of famous stadium hot dogs in the major leagues, check this out. I might die immediately thereafter, but simply must try a Cincinnati Cheese Coney at some point in this life.)

The Drink:

I think I lost count. But they sure tasted good.


The Man Candy:

Unfortunately, he was fully clothed and sitting a few too many sections away from me. His loss, clearly.

With this context in mind, let’s turn our attention to the topic at hand.

Jonathan Papelbon described the game thusly: "You could just sense that Boston fever from the crowd. City of Champions. Right there [the bottom of the eighth], something special happened." While he’s batshit crazy, I totally agree with him. With the Sox down 3-2 going in the bottom of that inning, you just kind of knew the Texans were about to get screwed.

“Sweet Caroline” was sung with the usual 8th inning vigor and the scoreboard flashed the (now meaningless) victory of the Bruins over the Canadiens. Chants of “USA” erupted. (Really. I was a bit confused, but it beats the usual “Yankees Suck”…even when another team is visiting.)

(Ed. note...Montreal is in another country)

Witness: Wicked Craziness.

And the record-setting crowd (37,598, the most since WWII…which makes no sense to me—uh, World Series games?—but is still a fun useless fact) was just plain old fired up. I don’t know a better way to describe it, other than to say that—at least in the outfield—there was plenty of alcohol to fuel that fire.

Ortiz tied it up with a shot to the outfield that scored Pedroia (cute little fetus that he is!), and Manny stepped up to the plate. I don’t think there was a whole lot of doubt in the stands about what was going to happen next.

He just straight up demolished that ball.

It was gone, 37,598 people went fucking nuts, and I learned that there’s no better way to spend a spring night in Boston.