Friday, April 20, 2007

Is That Eddie Guardado's Music?

So THIS is what other teams feel like.

If these late inning adventures continue...Johan's going to lose it.

Johan.....Johan Santana

Pat.....Pat Neshek

Joe.....Joe Nathan

[ open on a group of pitchers sitting near the post-game buffet]

[ pitchers makes a lot of noise with their forks and knives as the eat in disturbing silence ]

Johan: [ breaking silence ] How was the game today, Pat?

Pat: Fine.

Joe: Did you pitch well or were there problems? Like, maybe with a late home run?

Pat: No, I pitched well.

[ they continue to eat in silence, banging their knives and forks together as they eat ]

Johan: [ craving attention ] I had a.. funny thing happen last week. When I left the stadium, I had trouble unlocking my car. Then I realized I had the wrong set of keys.

Joe: Did somebody take your keys?

Johan: [ annoyed ] Can I finish the story? [ pauses in stern silence ] It turns out that I had accidentally taken Boof’s keys, and.. he had taken mine. We.. really had a long laugh.

Joe: Mmm, I thought that's who took them...

Johan: Will you ever let me finish a damn story?!

Joe: I-I just assumed that Boof’s -

Johan: I would love to finish one damn story!

Pat: Your stories are lame, Johan!

Johan: [ angry ] You do not talk to me like that!

Joe: Do not raise your voice!

Pat: Shut up!!

Johan: You do not talk to me like that!

Pat: I cannot believe -

Johan: I am a Cy Young Award winner!! That is very important!! That is very important!! You don't talk to me like that!! People are scared of me!!

Pat: Why would anybody be scared of you! I hate you, you big fat turd!

[ stunned, they continue to eat in awkward silence ]

Joe: I spoke with Juan Rincon this afternoon.

Pat: So?

Joe: I guess Juan’s really excited about the Kansas City game tomorrow night.

Pat: Oh, shut up, you twitchy bastard!

[ they return to silence ]

Johan: Did you pick up my dry cleaning?

Joe: Hmm, it's not ready until Thursday.

Johan: I thought you said it'd be ready today?

Joe: No, it's going to be ready Thursday.

Johan: You know, I have a big game tomorrow.

Joe: Well, I'm sorry.

Johan: I wish you weren't a liar!

Joe: I didn't lie, Johan.

Johan: I wish you weren't a liar!

Joe: I wish you wouldn't call me a liar!

Johan: Don't raise your voice at me!

Joe: I am not raising my voice!

Johan: You do not talk to me like that!! I work too hard to deal with this stuff!! I work too hard!! I'm a Cy Young Award winner!! I drive a Dodge Stratus!!

[ their screaming comes to an end, as the agonizing silence returns ]

Joe: Pat, do you want me to help you with your slider this weekend?

Pat: I wish you were dead!

[ awkward silence, a struggle for a normal conversion ]

Johan: I'm gonna take the car into the shop tomorrow.

Pat: You mean your lame Dodge Stratus?
Johan: You don't talk about my car that way!!

Joe: Dear Lord..

Johan: I drive a Dodge Stratus!! You don't talk about my Dodge Stratus that way!!

Pat: Shut up!

Johan: You do not talk to me that way!! I am a Cy Young Award Winner!! I can do 100 push-ups in twenty minutes!!

Pat: I'm going to Glen’s house! I hate you - both!

[ Pat storms out of the house ]

[ Johan grabs Pat's plate, and separates the food between he and Joe ]

Johan: This chicken is delicious.

Joe: It's a recipe from Lipton Cup-a-Soup.

[ fade out ]

(Obviously borrowed from this)


Kaiser said...

If the Twins ritually acted out SNL skits, I think it's obvious that Tyner and Bartlett would do the Ambiguously Gay Duo.

Smitty said...

Very funny stuff. Willy, who's Gary?

Does that mean Mauer-Morneau-Cuddy get to be the Night at the Roxbury guys plus Jim Carrey?

Rondell White as the Ladies Man?

Hunter & Spann in Hunter's World?

crystal said...

I really hope Nick Punto would make the cast as Caitlin. Rick, Rick, Rick...I wanna get my ears pierced, Riiiiiiick.

And then there's the obvious question: Who is Debbie Downer? The world is full of feline AIDS, you know.

Kaiser said...

Lew Ford

Kaiser said...

Rondell is more of an Eddie Murphy type, I think. Plus, he talks funny. Wait, that would make him a good candidate for Lady's Man. Maybe namesake is Mr. Robinson's neighborhood.