Aww, Smitty, That's Cute

I have refreshing beverage for you:

And in honor of Mr. Sparkle, I hear it's a nice mixer for Santori times.

Ring-a-ding-ding, babe.

Hold me back Jimmy!

I'm starting to like Jim Leyland more and more. Okay, didn't like the fact that his squad worked us last weekend. It was nice that the entire offense woke up on Saturday. Maybe I like the old, surly managers, maybe I want to have a smoke with Jim in the tunnel between innings, I don't know. The most recent reason is his take on Matsuzaka. When asked a question about the almighty Dice-K, he said "It's another pitcher. We're playing Boston. Obviously, he's an outstanding pitcher. He's a major league pitcher. And that's who we're facing." I agree.

I know as a manager, you've got to say those things. Can't let your players be shaken by fancy nicknames, shiny new uniforms or the hord of Japanese reports. But really, this guy isn't sliced bread. I'm sick of hearing about the gyro-ball (only works if you actually have a slider to set it up), how good Matsuzaka is, and how "imposing" he is. Come on SportsCenter, can't you lead with anything else when coming out of every break?

Has he been good? Sure. Has he been dominate. In a handful of the starts, I'd give it to you. But I'm not ready to call him an ace of a staff. That's why I agree with Leyland. This guy is just another pitcher. Like any other pitcher he can get beaten around (see starts 2, 4-6). Hey, one CG an all-star makes you not. Other guys with CG's this year include Cha Seung Baek, Paul Maholm (not to be confused with Pat Mahomes), Joe Blanton, and Matt Belisle. Major league pitchers should expect to pitch CG's. That's their job, stop the other team.

He's a good pitcher, but he's got lots of things to work on. Did I mention the 4.16 ERA or 12 BB in 3 games? I just want to know if he's really any better then Kelvim Escobar, Cole Hamels, Matt Cain, John Maine, Rich Hill, Tom Gorzelanny or James Shields? Right now..no. In three years...maybe.

Trade: If the Twins are out of it come July, could we trade with the Blue Jays for Nathan? How about Nathan, Baker & Bartlett for Alex Rios and Aaron Hill.

Don't worry, I still hate John Tudor (but will always love Vince Coleman)

First off…a nickname clear-up for RSN. He’s no longer Baby Jesus…he’s The Jesus. And nobody fucks with him. Except for debilitating leg injuries. But I don’t see how that can be the Coen brothers fault.

I don’t have a Papelboner…but I do love it when we call him Big Papi.


I drop off the earth for one week, and this is what happens? The entirety of my favorite team either sucks or is hurt (Namesake obviously excepted), and we’re eagerly awaiting the return of Lew Frickin’Ford???!!! I’d prefer Frederick Fucking Chopin. (Pat Reusse is mad)

Is this my punishment for marrying a Cardinals fan? Well, if so…consider me as have taken one for the team. (Yes, we’re happy you won last year…even if it’s mostly ‘cuz I no longer will have to listen to some washed up jock proclaim on this week’s “list” that the ’87 Twins as the worst World Series team ever. You can go to hell John Salley.)


The calls are coming from all directions for the Quiet Genius to make a trade. And I’m inclined to agree. However, TWT and it’s denizens will not stand for the kind of Lohsian* talk that I’m already beginning to hear. If you’d like to suggest that Mr. Ryan stop hording every single good minor league pitcher in all of Seligdom, than I demand you (yes you!) refrain from such vomit-inducing packages as Carlos Silva and Scott Baker for Matt Murton…or Travis Hafner…or Barry Bonds…or what have you. I have no interest in trades wherein the saliency arises from stupidity. Trades do not happen in MLB where one side gives up players it-doesn’t-want-even-a-little bit for immediate major league roster value…which is what our chosen franchise needs desperately right now. As far as I know, Kevin McHale does not run any of the MLB franchises.

So…here’s my list of pitchers that I’m willing to root for from afar if it means bringing me a right-handed bat that will manage to out-perform Josh Rabe:

Kevin Slowey
Glen Perkins
Ramon Ortiz (how much magic dust does Rick Anderson have anyway?)
Joe Nathan



Discuss

*Lohsian…referring to all the asinine “rumors” every time Lohse pitched poorly wherein the Twins should try and trade him and some other terrible pitcher for Carlos Beltran ‘cuz the Mets needed pitching. To reiterate…this shit doesn’t happen in real life!

Graven Images That Make Baby Jesus Cry

"Man, this guy throws slow, I'm going to tattoo this shit."

"What the hell was THAT thing?"

And then:

Plus

Means:

"Game Over, Man"

Uh Oh...

....Spaghetti-Os.














Papel bombed.














But Sidney dropped bombs?

I will now check the universe for signs of disintegration.

May Fools? Please?

EEEEK:

but don’t count on seeing Ortiz in pinstripes anytime soon, even though he dons a Yankees cap in a new ESPN commercial featuring him and Jorge Posada.

“It’s not what you think,” Ortiz cries when the Red Sox mascot catches him in the act.

That raised the blood pressure unnecessarily.

Part the Deux

You might have heard that the Sawx and Yanks are playing this weekend. Again. In NYC this time though. As much fun as last weekend was, I'm finding it hard to find my excitement this early in the season. It could be that there is still snow on the ground, ice in the water up here in Icebergia doesn't make me think "baseball". It could also be that after tonites Daisuke "Clay" Matsuzaka vs. Andy Petitte match-up, we get such excitement as "Tim Wakefield and Kei Igawa star in Gopherball Derby" and I probably get to see Aaron f****g Boone a few hundred more times (sorry guys, doesn't work anymore - your febrile taunts bore me) and Julian Tavarez losing his mind after serving up A-Job April Homer's numbers 22 through 37. And Chien-Ming Wang, you can never forget the Wang.

But also, baseball just seems so silly right now, and that's mostly down to the rather bizarre story involving our namesake. No matter what Bud Selig tells you, there are no Royals in the champaign room. Seriously, Sammy Sosa's fivehead is going for six, Gary Matthews Jr. runs free, and someone is probably about to sign Raffy Palmeiro to the MLB equivalent of a ten-day, but we should be worried that Hunter sent a case'o'Cris to the Royals for assisting in last year's AL Central crown? Please.

In Little League, didn't everyone get a trophy? For most of the players on the Royals, this is that participation award. Thanks for playing guys, enjoy your bubbly, and your sparkly new Gil Meche. As for Mr. Selig, might I suggest that he team up with Alberto Gonzalez and tackle the true scourge of our day: Internet Pr0n.

P.S., I see your Twins Clubhouse Banter and raise you the Golden State Warriors. Boomwhatitdo?

THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THEY WERE

This season is going EXACTLY like we thought...

TWT knew the Twins would be in first place at this point in the season.

TWT knew that Ramon Ortiz would be one lousy loss to the Royals away from a perfect start.

TWT knew that the Twins would have depth trouble…we even predicted Rondell White would injure himself skipping. (to be fair…we predicted it would be during a jubilant reaction to Zach Johnson’s win at the Master’s)

TWT knew that Jason Bartlett would struggle, but that due to his proper use of “I GOT IT”, Ron Gardenhire would stick with him through tough times.

TWT knew that Sidney Ponson would be the Twins best pitcher…if “best” was measured in liquid ounces of sweat.

TWT knew that Justin Morneau was still Canadian, and therefore unable to do anything BUT hit the ball hard in every direction.

TWT knew that after a brief, slow start…The Jesus would not only start hitting for extra bases, but would drive in runs as well. (RBI total to date: 9)

TWT knew that Jason Kubel would be used only against RHP’s…during day games…when it might rain.

TWT knew that Lew Ford's new role as baserunning coach would REALLY pay off. Thanks Lew!

TWT knew that the worst pitcher in the bullpen would be…Joe Nathan? No shit? We knew that? Okay…whatever.


TWT…bringing you all the hindsight clairvoyance you can handle

My Downstairs Neighbors Think I'm Crazy

Because I was jumping up and down and screaming like an idiot.

Of course, were one to jump up and down and scream like an idiot this would be a pretty good reason:



That, or shooting a 59 at St. Andrews on Tiger-Tiger Woods Y'all, '07. As the official representative, I have to say that RSN is pretty chuffed at this point in the season. No one besides Papi is really hitting yet, Schilling is carrying a set of Dub-Deuces around his midsection still and Dice-K has been good-but-not-great. Yet we're in first place and just swept the MFY's, with Slappy making the final out twice. Of course, my mere posting of this will cause an immediate 10 of 12 losing binge. Good work Pooh.

Learn to love the payroll.

P.S.... PAPELBON!

Is That Eddie Guardado's Music?

So THIS is what other teams feel like.

If these late inning adventures continue...Johan's going to lose it.

Johan.....Johan Santana

Pat.....Pat Neshek

Joe.....Joe Nathan

[ open on a group of pitchers sitting near the post-game buffet]

[ pitchers makes a lot of noise with their forks and knives as the eat in disturbing silence ]

Johan: [ breaking silence ] How was the game today, Pat?

Pat: Fine.

Joe: Did you pitch well or were there problems? Like, maybe with a late home run?

Pat: No, I pitched well.

[ they continue to eat in silence, banging their knives and forks together as they eat ]

Johan: [ craving attention ] I had a.. funny thing happen last week. When I left the stadium, I had trouble unlocking my car. Then I realized I had the wrong set of keys.

Joe: Did somebody take your keys?

Johan: [ annoyed ] Can I finish the story? [ pauses in stern silence ] It turns out that I had accidentally taken Boof’s keys, and.. he had taken mine. We.. really had a long laugh.

Joe: Mmm, I thought that's who took them...

Johan: Will you ever let me finish a damn story?!

Joe: I-I just assumed that Boof’s -

Johan: I would love to finish one damn story!

Pat: Your stories are lame, Johan!

Johan: [ angry ] You do not talk to me like that!

Joe: Do not raise your voice!

Pat: Shut up!!

Johan: You do not talk to me like that!

Pat: I cannot believe -

Johan: I am a Cy Young Award winner!! That is very important!! That is very important!! You don't talk to me like that!! People are scared of me!!

Pat: Why would anybody be scared of you! I hate you, you big fat turd!

[ stunned, they continue to eat in awkward silence ]

Joe: I spoke with Juan Rincon this afternoon.

Pat: So?

Joe: I guess Juan’s really excited about the Kansas City game tomorrow night.

Pat: Oh, shut up, you twitchy bastard!

[ they return to silence ]

Johan: Did you pick up my dry cleaning?

Joe: Hmm, it's not ready until Thursday.

Johan: I thought you said it'd be ready today?

Joe: No, it's going to be ready Thursday.

Johan: You know, I have a big game tomorrow.

Joe: Well, I'm sorry.

Johan: I wish you weren't a liar!

Joe: I didn't lie, Johan.

Johan: I wish you weren't a liar!

Joe: I wish you wouldn't call me a liar!

Johan: Don't raise your voice at me!

Joe: I am not raising my voice!

Johan: You do not talk to me like that!! I work too hard to deal with this stuff!! I work too hard!! I'm a Cy Young Award winner!! I drive a Dodge Stratus!!

[ their screaming comes to an end, as the agonizing silence returns ]

Joe: Pat, do you want me to help you with your slider this weekend?

Pat: I wish you were dead!

[ awkward silence, a struggle for a normal conversion ]

Johan: I'm gonna take the car into the shop tomorrow.

Pat: You mean your lame Dodge Stratus?
Johan: You don't talk about my car that way!!

Joe: Dear Lord..

Johan: I drive a Dodge Stratus!! You don't talk about my Dodge Stratus that way!!

Pat: Shut up!

Johan: You do not talk to me that way!! I am a Cy Young Award Winner!! I can do 100 push-ups in twenty minutes!!

Pat: I'm going to Glen’s house! I hate you - both!

[ Pat storms out of the house ]

[ Johan grabs Pat's plate, and separates the food between he and Joe ]

Johan: This chicken is delicious.

Joe: It's a recipe from Lipton Cup-a-Soup.

[ fade out ]

(Obviously borrowed from this)

Red Sox Nation....with extra cheese

This is indescribable.
(via Deadspin)

Irony, Thy Name is Devil Ray

Well, my overwhelming impression of the Tampa Bay series was, in the immortal words of Homer Simpson...meh. No wait...strike that...snuh. Pick any psedo-sensical word you want, the fact is that it was a very blase series for the Twinks, and today's off day seems welcome, if not for the players then for the collective psyche of the fanbase. The series was so blase, in fact, that it caused us here at TWT to do a bit of an overhaul -- call it spring cleaning if you will -- nothing drastic. Any future aesthetic suggestions can be placed in our comment box, as usual (the one marked "Queer Eye for the Webmaster Guy".

The irony of the last four games was that the two losses came on the backs of arguably the two most stable guys on the team -- Santana and Nathan.

What does this say to us overly analytical types? Well, nothing really. Coincidence is the best answer in my guestimation. Those guys are going to have their radar screen blips, and they just happened to come against a blipping crappy-ass team like the D-Rays. At home. With them running the bases as if for the first time. It's tough to sort through what is "young" behavior and what is just good old fashioned inferior genetics when it comes to athletics, so I have a problem automatically drinking the media Kool-aid about the ups and downs of a baseball team undergoing a youth movement like the Rays. We hear all about them being "talented but young" early last week, but I'm not sure that's what we saw so much as a slight choke job by our squad. It might turn out that this group of young Rays is just bad. Nathan, frankly, got bailed out earlier by Crawford's unbelievable base-running gaff. In fact, it was so bad, I'm not sure gaff is a good enough description. It was a flat out flurge. I just made that word up. The fact is that even when you're not playing at peak form as a team, you gotta step up in close games and win them, no matter who you're playing.

Still, my optimism is not entirely crushed. It's going to take a whole lot more Mauer groundouts to second (teeing one up for Hops) and Punto hissy fits to do that. And I know Nathan and Santana are going to be fine. Ponson's control has me somewhat worried, but not as much as his decision in hair stylists. Ortiz just can't be this good the whole season, but if he's anywhere even close, I'll take it. Boof and Silva I don't have the energy to discuss. If there is a silver lining it's the fact that there are many division games still to come, and maybe we can get in some kind of groove by then.

We Are What We Pretend To Be

I’m incapable of writing any worthy tribute to Kurt Vonnegut...that's for someone else.

I can only say that reading his books always make me feel like writing.

R.I.P.




Does it feel nice this morning, Twins fans? Breathing again, I mean? I can only assume the first RBI of the year for favorite son Joe Mauer brought a collective exhale from Twindom last night. I know it did for me. As a matter of fact, after listening to The Jesus’ fateful at-bat, I was so confident of victory that I turned off The Talk Station and turned my full attention to the sneaky blonde bitch on Lost. (It’s about time she turns on us, we already know Jack has trouble picking the right ladies to fall for)

Sure, sure…I could dwell on the fact that our #3 hitting, defending batting champ, #1 draft choice, Juicy Nookie eating superstar BUNTED with a runner in scoring position earlier in the game…but I won’t. I don’t really care. My team won…the MFY’s lost. And the Little Latin Lover pitched his arse off.

The only lingering problem for me this morning…why the hell doesn’t The Fightin’ Canadian have a playoff beard? Some fan.

Vurp

Things you, a Twins fan, are allowed to be frustrated about today:

Scoring 2 runs at home
Your batting champ having no R’sBI through six games
Jeff Cirillo going on the DL
The extreme lack of power from this line-up
Jason Kubel’s fielding
Ticket pricing for the Yankees' series
Michael Cuddyer’s ongoing tribute to Lew Ford
Carl Pavano’s “brilliance”




Things you, a Twins fan, cannot be frustrated about today:

Sidney Ponson
Pitching in general
The return of the Josh Rabe era
½ price Tuesday and Dollar Dog Wednesday
The Dome
Boof!

Dropping Bombs

I will start this post by saying I didn't actually see the game, just hi-lights. Or Yankee batting practice, whatever works for you. This year's "feel good story" for our beloved club got rocked last night by the Yankee All-star lineup. When I saw the score at a friendly neighborhood Applebee's last night, I really wasn't that shook up. Maybe I expected Sid to get rocked, but I think it's really a couple things that went through my head:

1. I don't expect my 5th starter to beat the Yankees. Yes, I want him to do better but truly what should we expect out of the 5 spot. 10 wins? 12 wins? 15 wins would be amazing. Let's not get too ahead of ourselves. It's more disturbing that a sinker ball pitcher gave up two homers and two doubles.

2. We got the back up plan sitting in Rochester waiting for his (their) chance at the big leagues. I'm fine with giving Sid 3 or 4 starts to see what he's got cause we got three guys in Rochester that could fill in. For the record it's Garza, Perkins and Slowey. Not Baker, don't see him as a starter for our squad.

3. I'm really more disappointed in the hitting and fielding. Specifically from our shortstop. I'm going to disagree slightly with Hops and say that in order for Mauer to get RBI's he needs two things: runners on base (see Punto and Bartlett batting averages), but does need to hit better with guys on. I'm not about to bash the batting champ (yet), especially when he's hitting about .350 for the young season. More disappointed with the Kubel error and Bartlett having 3 errors this year. I want to see that improve at a quicker pace cause I think (hope) the bats will come around. I do agree with Hops, Joe needs to be around the 100 RBI spot.

Namesake watch - How much do I love Torii? 2-3 last night, going to wear 42 in memory of Jackie and was on KFAN with Barreiro saying he's going to have a great year this year. I love this guy and definetely think he's worth the option.

The MFY’s Are In Your Town!

Excited!!??

Yeah, me neither.

Is it too early in the season? Or could it be because of the starting pitcher?

Conflict: Do you root for Soul Glow to pitch well because he’s a part of your team now, and more strong pitching is a very good thing. OR do you root for a mediocre appearance…bad enough to jump start Garzapalooza? It’s obvious you root for more good pitching performances…but I’m having a tough time embracing Sir Sid. No really...I mean, I don't think I could physically get my arms around the guy.

Allright, allright...perhaps I'm being a bit too harsh on the more portly members of the staff. Silva did fine on Saturday...Boof's been boffo...who knows, maybe The Fat Man in a Little Coat will do just fine tonight. (If nothing else, I love the limitless nickname possibilities)

Sidenote:

Can we make sure Amy Hockert stays inside her house for the next few days…I don’t want Jeter to take a run at her. He’s already taken enough of MN’s finest (see: Biel, Jessica).



Weekend recap…sans Jesus at the Masters.

The weather is ridiculous. Nice article from Reusse explaining how MLB has made it’s own bed.

Saturday’s game was painful…I hate games like that. Mostly ‘cuz I couldn’t take the idea of seeing a quote from Gardenhire the next day talking about how “…we ran into his best stuff out there today”. But, pleasantly, he mostly blamed the game on Cuddy.

Pencil in Johan for 26 wins this year…he’s just too damn good. If it comes out that in between starts he likes to unwind by playing Contra and NHL ’94…Smitty’s head will explode. Could Kaiser be right? That we’re (all of baseball, really) taking Johizzy for granted? I don’t think so. I do expect a win every time…but I’m still thrilled to watch it happen. So I say “nay” on taking for granted…at least not yet.

And finally, from Hop’s Corner of Negativity…Baby Jesus’s RBI total through five games: Rhymes with Hero.

Warm Fuzzy

It makes me feel all tingly inside when I read things like this, and makes it really hard to earnestly hate my mortal enemy's skipper:

“For me, they are the most underrated team in baseball. They find a way to beat you. That’s the type of team that will not beat itself. They will make you beat them. I have a lot of respect for them.'’

They have the best two players in the game right now and nobody knows about it. And that’s a shame. They got the catcher and the first baseman. They are tremendous players. Their right fielder is coming along to being a great player. The center fielder is the best in the game right now. They have a great second baseman.

This kid (Morneau) wins the MVP and nobody talks about him. We talk about the same people all the time. We talk about Manny (Ramirez), Big Papi (David Ortiz), Barry (Bonds). They never say anything about Mauer and company. That’s a shame people don’t give those kids the credit they deserve.

They play the game right. They get you in the right situations to beat you. The piranhas attack. That’s the way they attack. They go little by little and then you’re dead. They pitch, the make the play. They pitch and make a play. They move the guy over then boom, 2-0. Nathan is in the game, game is over.'’

Maybe it's time to get a new mortal enemy. I'm looking in your direction Tigers and Yankees...

(via Lavelle)

Questions?

Much like Greg Oden on Monday night, DKM shows exactly what all the fuss is about:

Pitchers IP H R ER BB SO HR PC-ST ERA
D Matsuzaka 7.0 6 1 1 1 10 1 108-74 1.29

TESSIE, bitches.

Ok, so it was the Royals (now with 100% more Gil Meche!), so perhaps a glorified spring training game. But, uhm, that's how you do it, Curt Schilling.

And also, PAPELBON!

You Can’t Spell 162 and O without O-rioles

In homage to Pulling a Blyleven, or in copyright infringement, at least, we present to you an IM transcript of a typical conversation in the life of TWT co-founders Hops and Kaiser (Smitty is a Luddite and doesn't understand computers and typing and logic circuits). This conversation was in no way edited after the fact to insert funny comments we wish we had made at the time or to make our unintelligible utterances, sentence structure, and overuse of the parenthetical readeriffic. Enjoy.

Hops : So...I think I should do a short post today entitled, "Who knew Ramon Ortiz meant 'Shut Up Aaron Gleeman' in Spanish?"
Kaiser: I like it. Did you hear Dick calling him "RAY mone" last night?
Hops : No...remember, I'm a radio guy. I was realizing last night that it's the time of the year when Dan Gladden and John Gordon are 2nd and 3rd behind my wife in "people I spend the most time around"
Kaiser: I'm sure she appreciates the company.
Hops : I assume Dick and Bert were predicting Cy Young?
Kaiser: I pretty much filter them out at this point. I have noticed they're making an awful lot of fart jokes lately though.
Hops: Has that replaced "Circle Me Bert"? Fart On Me Bert?
Kaiser: Dick made some comment about Bert riding home with someone and how they would need to "crack a window".
Hops: Sounds like every family get together I've ever been to...gotta love the "folksy"
Kaiser: Apparently they're trying to be "folksy" with the hispanic crowd now. By the way, that raises serious questions for me about your upbringing.
Hops: (really worried about where this is going)
Kaiser: (rapidly changing subjects) I forgot that Ortiz pitched against us in the ALCS against the Angels.
Kaiser: I remember thinking he was really good.
Hops: I was 0-3...pretty nasty stuff.
Hops: It's great, this time of year. Everything that happened this week has replaced everything that happened in spring training...and will be replaced again next week. And it's all "definitive".
Hops: Reminds me of Kyle Lohse
Kaiser: With his unmatched potential?
Kaiser: Constant potential.
Kaiser: Neverending potential.
Kaiser: Potentially.
Hops: I just really love how baseball can reinvent itself so many times over the course of a long season. Optimism of spring is either affirmed or ruined by one start. Which is absurd but wonderful. Absurdaful.
Kaiser: Wonder-urd?
Kaiser: Speaking of optimism of spring....
Kaiser: ...did you see any of the good-omen-filled opener?
Hops: Nada...could you see Joe Mauer getting taller?
Kaiser: Santana K'd the first batter, went 1,2,3 in the first....
Kaiser: ....Morneau and Namesake went back-to-back -- opposite field no less -- and the piranhas gnashed their way to like 57 stolen bases.
Kaiser: And Rondell had like the greatest catch I've ever seen.
Kaiser: And has walked twice already this year.
Hops: weren't the stolen bases in game two? And is Luis Castillo finally allowed to be a Piranha now that he's awesome?
Kaiser: I think Castillo was always a Piranha. Only Ozzie knows for sure.
Hops: Do you realize how giddy you are right now?
Kaiser: It's called "cautious optimism" buddy.
Hops: Why cautious? Throw caution into the artificially generated Metrodome wind. Particularly if Kent Hrbek is batting…it’ll go farther.
Kaiser: As members of the blogosphere, it's our duty to remain objective at all times and not get giddy about short-term trends.
Kaiser: So that we may evaluate them fairly and honestly.
Kaiser: And then make fart jokes.
Hops: Please never again call me a member of the blogosphere. We have, like, three readers.
Kaiser: Good point.
Hops: Why is there an off-day already?
Kaiser: Well, almost everyone else had one the day after the opener.
Hops: I'm just angry that I'm finally back and it's already get-a-way day. I say "let them play"
Kaiser: Not baseball's fault. I "feel really bad for you" that you are in this "predicament" because you were in Spain on vacation all last week.
Kaiser: No, "really". "I do."
Hops: This is kinda funny...we took the light rail home from the airport...and ended up at the Dome stop around 6:40 on Tuesday night...except that my body thought that it was 1:00am...which I still ignored and gave serious thought to asking my wife if she wouldn't mind taking the luggage home by herself so I could catch a bit of the game.
Hops: The really funny part? She was thinking the same thing.
Kaiser: That's what you call "marrying the right person".
Kaiser: (quotation marks not meant to denote sarcasm this time)
Hops: good save
Kaiser: Thanks.
Hops: We need to quantify and catalogue the phenomenon of lowered expectations with this team
Hops: I know Mauer won the batting title and is only getting bigger (pun)...but why isn't the Fightin' Canadian more prominent in the MLB marketing campaign this year? I see Ryan Howard everywhere.
Kaiser: Yeah, that's weird. Johan doesn't get much national time either.
Hops: No...vehemently disagree with that one. Everyone recognizes him as the best pitcher in baseball
Kaiser: I agree with that, but his awesomeness is just kind of a given. He’s so good he’s boring. Schilling gets WAY more discussion on a national level.
Hops: that's because he's annoying
Kaiser: Or Daisuke.
Kaiser: Who gives a crap if he can throw the gyroball?
Hops: hitters
Hops: and baby sheep
Kaiser: At best it moves like an inch.
Kaiser: I liked it better the first time when it was called a cut fastball.
Hops: Which you don't think is an important pitch? I think you're baiting me to make this more interesting. An inch is HUGE, understand. It's important to me that we all believe that an inch is HUGE. Okay?
Kaiser: Don't make me get out my yardstick.
Kaiser: It's not about the pitch. It's about the "phenomenom" of the pitch.
Kaiser: LIke's it's SO innovative.
Hops: The Gyroball (can we all agree to pronounce it "year-o"?
Kaiser: Only if it comes with extra tzatsiki.
Hops: What's more impressive is that fact that he can apparently throw six different pitches for strikes. And that his arm is apparently made of titanium. If he's successful, he could really change the way American coaches treat their pitching staff.
Hops: More innings, less babying
Hops: like old time hockey
Kaiser: That idea I like.
Kaiser: There is an obvious Japanese car maker joke here that we're missing. We could make that some kind of reader contest….if we had any.
Hops: He's pitching today, right? Afternoon game, I assume. I hope he throws all gyroballs and then flicks off the opposing batter every time he strikes them out
Kaiser: Think so. I hope he has a sharpie on him and everytime he strikes someone out with the gyroball he signs it and gives it to them.
Kaiser: Hey, I don’t know if you realized it, but apparently "Boof" sounds a lot like "BOOOOooOOoo!!!!!"?
Hops: They're not booing...they're boofing. Should I be sad that I really don’t miss Lew Ford at all?
Kaiser: Yes, I made that joke (along with 70% of the metrodome crowd) Tuesday when I was at the game.
Kaiser: And then in the 4th inning, after the Orioles got a home run, an absolutely blasted double, and a walk to Tejada to lead off the inning, I think people actually were booing.
Kaiser: Or boofing. If that’s slang for the sound vomit makes when it hits concrete.
Kaiser: I'll be here all week folks.
Hops: Stupid name. Solid pitcher. I have no worries about Boof.
Kaiser: He sounds like a surfer. Heard him interviewed?
Hops: probably...but why?
Kaiser: His name is SO appropriate. He is definitely a Boof. Perfect name.
Kaiser: Like if Johan was called "Sit Down Bitch".
Kaiser: Or Lecroy "Donut Please".
Hops: What would Mauer's be? "Vaginoplasty?"
Kaiser: Ouch.
Kaiser: You're way too hard on Mauer.
Hops: Yep. But he's the anti-Gilbert Arenas. Or, closer to home, The Namesake. He's so deep into his cocoon that it's hard to get interested in anything he does.
Hops: Someone's going to need to be vocal and lead the team when Torii's gone. I don't think it's going to be Baby Jesus. Most boring superstar around.
Kaiser: Alexi Casilla?
Hops: I think Morneau could be really great if he sticks around. I can totally see him turning into Hrbek. Cuddyer?
Kaiser: Cuddy, yes.
Kaiser: He's cute AND cuddly.
Kaiser: Like Teddy Ruxpin.

Hops: And drove in and scored 100 runs last year. Which was lost in all the (well-deserved) hubbub surrounding MVP, Cy-Young, batting champ.
Kaiser: Big time. Starting off nicely too. Good night last night before he knocked himself out of the game.
Hops: Yeah, heard that. I'd still rather see Morneau in the four-spot...but he's doing so well where he is, why move him right? I'm fine with that.
Kaiser: I LOVE the order right now. Except Bartlett and Punto might have to be swapped soon.
Hops: Punto's clearly the key...you may have to bump him down a bit…like to Rochester.
Kaiser: He's one guy that Gleeman has been right about.
Kaiser: Too many strikeouts right now -- back to bad old habits.
Hops: And this comes back 'round to my point about how "definitive" things are week-to-week in baseball. It's been three games!
Kaiser: True. Good point.
Kaiser: He IS leading the team in hissy fits right now though...which is nice.
Kaiser: But to your previous (Mauer-related) point, at least it's emotion.
Hops: That's actually a category in my fantasy baseball league
Hops: I have A-Rod
Kaiser: Nice.
Kaiser: I heard he has an unbelievable HPS.
Hops: HPS?
Kaiser: Yep. Hissy Fits Plus Slugging? It’s in Moneyball…near the back.
Hops: 162-0
Kaiser: You can't go 162-0 without winning the first three.

Madre de Dios, Por Que No?

Hopefully, the 2-0 start to the season has alleviated, if only slightly, my co-hosts laments for last minute rotation decisions. There is absolutely no reason anyone can give me to dissuade me from believing that these Twins have a legitimate shot at a perfect season. As a matter of fact, the only thing I'm wondering about this morning is, in such a scenario, whether or not Joe Nathan or Johan Santana would win the Cy Young award.

(The best cure for Ponsonitis? A trip overseas...as truly the only reason I haven't been sharing the above mentioned lamentations is that the local paper in Frigliana, Spain didn't have daily Twins' roster updates. But I'm back now, boys...refreshed and ready for the marathon.)

Desperation

The Dream is over?

I can't help be read about the latest cuts and be a little sad. The day-dream sets in, I picture myself outside the Twins locker room, walking towards Gardy's office hoping to get a nice Gardy comment on the upcoming season. Out of the corner of my slightly smaller eyes I see a bowling ball sized man walking down the hall. Powerful and compact. Could this be the next guy to challenge TC in a softball hitting home run contest? Maybe the Twins front office finally found Les Straker. Or, no, could it be TPX taking is final steps in these hallowed halls? It is, the dream of having our favorite, soon to be greatest softball player of all time, Twins Catcher/1B/DH joke with Torii and Cuddy about the good-ol-days is gone. Over the PA I hear Patick Swayze's "She's like the Wind" playing softly. I tell myself that baseball is a business, but this man has heart. He's got that Lou-se-ana something that everyone loves to have near. The anger sets in. I feel a little like Ricky Vaughan in "Major League"; I want to storm into Gardy's office, break some filing cabinets (with nothing in them I might add) and tell him he's made the biggest mistake cutting TPX. Then I hear Souhan & Neal say Silva and Ponson are going to be in the rotation. Swayze's record scratches and I'm back to reality. What? They are both making the rotation?

Are We There Yet?

Well, the shelves are stocked with hope over here at the local Twin-E-Mart, and I for one am very excited for them to open up the doors so I can stock up on Twinkies (insert Sidney Ponson fat joke here). Why don't they sell Twinkies at the Dome anyway? Sanjib, the imaginary and racially-insensitive character I've just created to run this fictional convience store slash Twins analogy, is just about finished mopping and spit polishing, and will be open for business in less than a week.

The rotation is slowly solidifying -- a lot like bacon grease -- and I still am waiting for management to get so fed up that they can't help but go in the direction I suggested not long ago. Silva N' Gold had another horrible outing yesterday, bringing his ERA to such incalculable heights that I broke out my old multivariable calculus textbook last night and nearly won a Fields Medal coming up with an accurate number. How much longer must this charade continue? Can I get me some Garza already!? Granted that baseball is maybe the most unpredictable game there is in the short term, this side of hockey, but I'm feeling amazingly solid about Joheezy, Boof, and Garza right now, and just hoping for the bare minimum out of the others. Have you seen the Yankees or Soxs' (Soxeses'?) starting rotation lately? Yeah, that makes me feel better. Don't talk to me about the Tigers' though -- that's where nightmares come from. I'm already concocting brain-disabling heckles to shout from the home run porch at Joel Zumaya later.

The other good news of recent days is the (apparent) progress in stadium land negotiations. While I'm still not convinced that the currently prescribed location is the perfect spot for outdoor baseball (riverview, anyone?), I will admit that my condo/house searching for the near future has primarily centered around an 8-block radius from the aforementioned spot. Is that good? Next thing you know I'll be basing my stock market decisions on the effect of Mauer's OPS on t-shirt sales, and investing in Jimmy Johns and that Swing-Right thingy. Still, I can't imagine a much better scenario than an off-the-cuff walk across the Hennepin Avenue bridge for some Tuesday (With Torii) evening baseball in the heat of summers to come. Mmmm...outdoor baseball.

My Other Sleeper Pick: The Kubel Edition

I finally agree with something Gleeman has to say, outright:

"The Official Twins Beat Writer of AG.com, LaVelle E. Neal III, penned a nice feature-length article on Jason Kubel, who's reportedly looking healthy and focused this spring. I've remained front and center on the Kubel bandwagon throughout his injuries and struggles over the past two seasons, and fully expect him to be one of the Twins' best hitters this year."

Sorry...it's my damn testicles

Johan Santana has balls.

"It's a challenge when you face a team twice in a row," Santana said. "But I'm the one who has the ball. I can see what the hitters are doing and adjust to them."

From Reusse's article today in the strib

RSN Fires Back

As an aside, inside and especially snide response

If I can Elbow my way in here for the moment, who amongst us is really qualified to comment on the way McHale ruins, er, runs his Franchise? To be Frank, it's his Job, Doc, not yours. When your best player gets himself so amped up, he scares potential signings with a Tourette's like stream of F-Bombs, it probably makes your Job harder. I know KG would give his Left Arm for some support, and performing Major Reconstruction on an NBA roster is not brain Surgery, but it's still an Invasive Procedure, after which only time will tell. It's not as if we ever thought McHale was some kind of Prodigy or Phenom, anyway.

But seriously, I'm hard pressed to become especially interested yet. Yes, yes, Dice-K, swarms of Japanese media. Manny being Manny (thankfully, I was taking the AK, not Mass, bar as the MbM theory was one aspect of 'self-defense' that I didn't have to learn). A-Rod trying to get traded. Griffey's kid's kid breaking Griffey's kid's hand. On his yacht. (Presumably Latrell Sprewell has been cleared of any involvement.) Gary Sheffield is an asshole. The Cubs think they are going to win if they stay healthy and Sweet Lou can do the voodoo that he do so well. All that don't confront me, as long as I get my money next Friday.

Until the end of CBS's production of MarchMaditionLikeAnyOther, I'm just not sure I can be bothered to respond to all the Red (Sox) baiting that is sure to come from my McCarthyite co-bloggers. But, since it's your rules, I won't name names either.

Hope on a Rope

At this time in the season, if it can be called a season officially at all (at this early point), the media-manager-player arc is selling a lot of hope in clubhouses and on dewy pitches, always in sunny climes located vaguely south of here, playing in cutely named leagues designated by the native produce of the surrounding area (kumquat league?). And normally, I try to maintain a healthy suspicion about these storylines. I mean, how can everyone improve from year to year? Unfortunately, the immutable laws of statistics and the central limit theorem dictate that some players mature and some rot. Some sink and some swim. Some rule and some just plain suck. (I'm looking in your direction Denny Hocking.)

There's one storyline this year, however, that I am buying into and it's about a nice little 23-yr old righty by the name of Garza, Matt. Have we let his average showing in the big league at the end of last year blind us to the fact that he was the Minor League Pitcher of the Year? I'm expecting big things from him this year -- Next Big Thing...er...things. Lavelle had a nice piece about him last week in his blog, and I love to hear about the kid wanting to win the job, fighting for it, and not becoming the Excusemaker 2300 Pitching Robot with defective sinker function. I'm so tired of you Carlos Silva that I almost went to see my doctor this weekend to medicate me for narcolepsy. I'm calling it now, and you heard it hear first....Garza will be the biggest suprise of this season, and will be the locked-in #2 starter by the end of June.

Speaking of Lavelle's blog, the Stribune has a nice little line-up of bloggers in place for the season, including Howard Sinker (with a Bat Girl pedigree) and Joe Christensen in addition to the aforementioned Wobble. Some seem more comfortable than others. Christensen not even being sure that "blog" is a verb til now is probably pretty indicative of his Luddite nature and/or the relative dip-your-toe-in-the-pool approach of big print media to the blogosphere. I look forward to following these three regularly.

Elsewhere on The Internets, two new Twins Territory ads are out. One involving Johan and Joe Nathan in a car where Yoheezy keeps changing speeds, as he is want to do. And the other involving the Piranhas. Good stuff. Kudos (again) to the Twins marketing staff. I look forward to the one about Lew Ford ironing himself (or performing arthroscopic surgery on himself?). Check 'em out...

And finally, it looks like Terry Ryan is finally rubbing off on other local major sport GMs. In very TRyan-like fashion, the Vikings signed two guys that no one has ever heard of, trying to fill gaps without spending Meche-ian money on crap, and relying on their farm syst...oh wait; they don't have a farm system. And Forbes magazine just named Kevin McHale the greatest manager in professional sports, utilizing an algorithm that is as asinine as it is stupid. No, I am not making this up and no, I am not auditioning for The Onion. This actually happened and, presumably, is completely and legitimately, 99/44/100 percent true love.

Terry Ryan finished 53rd.

Goulosh & a new season

There aren't very many things I anticipate in life. Not to over-use too many cliches, but I'd like to think I'm your basic "go with the flow" type. But I find myself feeling like I did on those great past car rides heading west on Interstate 90. When my mouth started watering at the thought of Grandma Smith's goulosh waiting for me in Luverne, MN. Homemade applesauce (the greatest thing every created, suck it wheel!) and O'Boise potato chips sitting next to the bowl of Goulosh. Why? The season is upon us, the first Grapefruit league game is today against the Evil Empire's hot sister, the Boston Red Sox. You might think she's different cause she's hot, but oh no, she's just as crazy (sorry Seth). I have a hard time waiting for the box scores, even if it's a split squad game. I'm looking forward to the return of TPX (Lecroy) and seeing him hit .300 for the spring. For those interested, that would be 6 for 20 with 3 HR, 2 DB, a bloop hit and 10 k's. I'm just sayin. I'm looking forward to Santana's changeup, Guerrire's curveball, Nathan's twitching, Mauer's sideburns & sweet swing and Morneau's freakishly large forearms. I'm even slightly looking forward to Ponson's last ditch attempt at a baseball check. Although I refuse to let the Twins Marketing department, Pioneer Press or Star Tribune convince me that if he does make the team, we can get 15 wins from him. Sorry Sydney, you burned me three years ago in Fantasy Baseball and that sort of thing doesn't die in Smitty's mind.

On a side note, Terry Ryan shows more genius every day. Crain got a three year extension which might not be a big deal for most, but if you are planning on using young pitchers in the rotation over the next three years, you better make sure the best bullpen in the AL still has arms. I like it. Big question is whether or not Nathan or Morneau is next. Why can't T Ryan give a speech to the crappy Minneapolis City Planners on "how to plan for the future".

Ellipses

Stolen from the desk of Bud Selig:

Memo

To: MLB Marketing Staff
Cc: Marty’s Car Wash

Re: Keeping Baseball as America’s Pastime


NFL;
Every spring, pro football manages to dominate the sports conversation…even though it should be ‘our time’. How do they do it? Constant manipulation of their prospects. Through never-ending testing, running, poking, prodding, and Wonderlicking the NFL keeps people talking about “next year”. We must and will poke and/or prod more.

Now I’m told by reliable sources that we no longer have a college draft. (To be honest, I never knew we had one in the first place) So we’re forced to work with the players we have.

Idea…a weekly one-hour television show (network? Versus? OLN?) where we pick three players to submit to random testing. And I mean random…could be steroids, could be paternity, could be the ACT’s. Should be cheap to produce…lots of b-roll footage and sappy background stories…followed by about ten minutes of actual testing. We’ll have to find “experts”. We’ll have to find a host (Harold Reynolds?).

Early surveys show viewers love this idea! (Although there was some frustration when we explained to test audiences that we wouldn’t actually be revealing the results of the tests…per league policy, of course)

I’m thinking Thursday nights after The Office (Isn't Dwight a hoot!)



NHL;
Due to the overwhelming, international sucksess (sic) of hockey, it’s time we stopped hiding our heads in the ice (get it…ha!) and pay attention to what those geniuses are doing over there in (where are the NHL offices?).

The most recent surge (one of many) in popularity for the NHL seems to revolve around this “shoot-out” I've heard so much about. Clearly my record shows I have no problems with tie games…but I’m never one to stop self-evaluating. That’s the Milwaukee way!

Extra innings are boring and keep kids and old people up too late (I haven’t seen the end of a game in six years)…how can we incorporate an “event” into the effort of finishing games quicker?

Idea…most people will expect us to go with a Home Run Derby…but I like to zag when people expect me to zig. The base element of our game is pitcher versus batter, right?…but what follows close behind? That’s right…pitcher versus base runner. What if, after nine innings, instead of playing extra-innings, we have a “pick-off off”!!?? Each team selects a pitcher to come out and attempt to “pick-off” five of the opposing team's base runners…with the victory going to whichever team’s pitcher is able to pick-off the most men. Possible variables include: only allowing catchers and DH’ers to participate…blindfolding the pitchers…runners have to take a shot after each throw over?
I trust ya'll can figure out the details…I’m more of a big picture guy

(Speaking of tie games…due to the under whelming response of having the winning league of the all-star game awarded home field advantage during the World Series…I’m instituting a revolutionary change: The team with the best record entering the World Series gets home field advantage. Don’t scoff…it’ll work, trust me. Also, if we do ever end up with a tie in the All-star game again…I’m overruling my previous just-stated rule, and awarding home field advantage to both teams. That’s right….four home games apiece. How you like me now?)

NBA;
Idea…clearly we need more dunking.


(Ohh…and does anyone know what time Marty’s Car Wash opens? The Chevelle needs a wax.)

Heeerrreee We Go!

The Namesake

Much jubiilatiion over not haviing to rename thiis websiite. (Welcome back Mr. Hunter)
We’d love to see you bat .285 with 30 and 100…II’m just sayiin’

He Who Shall Not Be Named
We have very few rules on this site…but here’s one. We will NOT be talking about players who it may have been incredibly awesome to watch in their second season strike out innumerable hitters with a dirty, dirty slider. As a matter of fact, from here on out it is illegal for anyone to even mention his name.

Actual Baseball…now with less Sid Hartman
The origin of this group was not blog-based. We do actually gather on Tuesdays to watch Real Baseball. If the club is at home, we take advantage of Half-Price Tuesdays ($9.50 this year…enjoy my money Mr. Pohlad). If the club is on the road, we attempt to find enough couch space and/or barstools to accommodate the legions and legions of loyal TWT followers.

Finally, TPX has come back to the Metrodome!
Welcome back, Fat Matt. Expect regular stat updates along the lines of a graph outlining LeCroy’s home run per at bat ratio compared with the rise in global temperature. That’s right…TWT is now eco-friendly. All of this is dependent on him making the team…or any team for that matter. Can we open a Rochester chapter of TWT?

Expectations?
Probably not. I’m sure the Twins will do everything they can to frame themselves as underdogs again. We didn’t sign anyone big…the Tigers got Bonds Jr…the Indians can’t possibly underachieve again, can they?

Blah, blah, blah.

Batting Champ. Cy-Young. AL MVP. C’mon…expect to win, boys.

Extreme Expectations
Expect lots of storylines beginning “Was He Worth It” after the crazy off-season spending spree. I’m hopeful that our resident BoSox expert, Pooh, can keep us abreast of my favorite off-season signing…and also my favorite Jingoistic Mispronunciation Disguising Itself As A Nickname…Dice-K. And don’t forget…we now get to see Gil Meche nineteen times a year!

Bonds, Bonds, Bonds
Yeah, we’ll have something to say. But not yet. I’d prefer to concentrate on the good stuff for now. One of my favorite books growing up was “I Had A Hammer: The Hank Aaron Story”…so you can probably guess how this is going to go.

The Quiet Genius
It is well known around these parts that I have mad respect for the Twins GM. So much so that I’ve managed to block-out the late 90’s completely from my memory. However, it’s also fairly well known that I’m a bearded socialist…and sometimes think about things outside of the box that is Bud Selig. It is with that in mind that I am announcing the (for now) grassroots movement to get Terry Ryan to become a Senator representing the great state of Minnesota in the Congress of These United States of America (That’s still where they keep the Senate, right?). Forget Norm Coleman (please). Forget Al Franken (equally, please). Sure, Mr. Ryan has been able to thrive in the economically ridiculous setting of Major League Baseball. But we here at TWT believe he will truly blossom as a Leader of Men (or a Woman if you are one*) once allowed to speak his mind free of the silliness that is professional sports. Seeing as how this is a very busy time of year for The Quiet Genius…we here at TWT gladly accept the great honor of crafting his message, writing his speeches, and scheduling all campaign-related personal appearances. Thank-you in advance for your support.
(*line ripped off from this guy)


Other things we’ll be discussing before too long include:
Defending a division title that you actually only held for one day
Trading your closer; pros and cons
New nicknames for Cuddy…Bubblegoose is the early leader
On-going teasing of Pooh as all the new faces in Red Sox Nation fail to “gel”
Sidney Ponson…man or eating machine?
Do we call the Twins pitching staff The Young Guns or something less Emilio-centric?

If you publish a Twins blog and nobody reads it, does it make a sound when a tree falls on your house?

You get the idea.

Happy Pitchers and Catchers Reporting
Game on.

Back. To the Future

Hey sports fans. Remember me? Well, I'm back and badder than ever. Badder than toddler grammar. I'm Color Me Badder.

Pooh has been admirably holding down the creative fort here lately, but with the arbitrary benchmark created by some long-forgotten Roman having recently passed, I figure it's time for a founding father to finally chime in during the long off-season.


I know that the potential gyro(ball) sandwich marketing opportunities in Boston have never been more rampant, and that Zito's overhand curve swooshes and swashbuckles with million-dollar ferocity, but the price tag on starting pitching this off-season has been shocking and the single biggest story of this winter of our discontent (halloffamefbidrugscandal what now?). They are Tiffany Crystal. And I'm sitting here trying to take back the Silva my sister got me for Chrismtas to Kohl's to get a refund on the sale price, while searching for parts on ebay for original discontinued Radke models. You know, the one with real tears?


While I can't help but think that the contract negotiation in San Fran involved an errant zero or two which no proofreader or lawyer caught, it causes great fear to the baseballing part of my brain. Here we sit, Twins fans, on the precipice of the most hope-ridden season in recent (or all) Twins history. With an impending outdoor (they can play baseball outside?) stadium, and an F-bomb repacking his warhead with enriched slideronium, the near future of the Republic of Twin is Rayban bright. Even while Terry Ryan (rightfully) does his best Rip (Van Winkle, not Torn or Hamilton) impersonation. And yet I sit here with a profound dread.

How much would Johan Santana be worth on the open market right now?

If this question, and others like it (with the names Morneau and Mauer subtly substituted) don't cause you fear, perhaps you're too busy fearing fear itself, or the reaper. Or maybe I underestimate the importance of luck and timing in major league sports. Maybe I have been buying hope options in great big piles, hoping to backdate them to 1991 prices (thanks for the tip Steve Jobs!). Or maybe I'm finally starting to realize what being a small-market team really feels like, after so many years of just thinking it meant you had to really, really suck. All the time.

(Ir)regardless, I feel....a great big....something...on the horizon. And it's almost here.

With so many light years to go and things to be found