Monday, November 20, 2006

Credo (not Crede, mind you)

One of these news headlines is...shall we say...different? You be the judge:

Red Sox's winning bid for Matsuzaka: $51.1 million
Report: Cubs agree to $126M deal with Soriano
Tigers deal three pitchers to Yankees for Sheffield
Twins express interest in trade for Rockie's starter
Dodgers to bring back Garciaparra for two more years

No, this isn't an adult version of the Sesame Street classic One of These Things Is Not Like the Other. These are five mainstream media outlet headlines referring to events concerning the MLB offseason. Four of them contain the name of a top tier player, and the contains the kind of mildly interesting so-whatness that we've come to expect as Twins fans during the Terry Ryan era.

This is not a critique. This is, in fact, a credo. Perhaps our first here at Tuesdays With Torii.

The fact is that when you're a small market fan, the offseason is just an entirely different beast. Beowulf, maybe. But more likely that fuzzy squirrel thing from Ice Age. You hear a lot of people whining and complaining about "not adding a power guy to the lineup" or "not going after (insert leading free agent candidate)". But Adam Smith's invisible hand isn't pointing at Alfonso Soriano or Daisuke Matsuzaka if you're the Minnesota Twins -- hell, it's invisible, so Dave St. Peter probably can't even see it. The economics of baseball demand that they as management and we as fans take a different tact.

No, during this time of selling hope and inspiration auctioning, the Twins will do nothing to make your tummy flutter like an emo kid upon the eve of the newest release by Fall Out Boy. They never have, and they never will. So why do so many still expect it? Their formula has remained consistent for many years, so do we expect things to change suddenly? New stadium revenue? The time is ripe, so we're required to go the extra mile? Compromising photos of Carl Pohlad? None of these are legitimate, so I say this: embrace the boredom. Yes, embrace it. And if you have to have a fanatical outlet, let it be to ridicule with scorny gloating and small-ball pride, every inflated crippling long-term contract, minor league decimating trade, and every incredibly transperent, false-hope motivated PR feint that the Yankees, Red Sox, Cubs, Orioles, White Sox, and even the slightly less evil Tigers make. It will do a body good.

Let's be honest with ourselves. As much excitement and hope as it might create if Alfonso Soriano was starting in left field for the Twins next year, if we had signed him to an identical contract as the Cubs, it would be an absolute albatross in three years. It might be fun in the short term, but that's kind of like drunkenly hooking up with your roommate's hot younger sister. It's awesome in the short term, but sooner or later Alfonso's going to start getting WAY passive aggressive on your ass. Or even aggressive aggressive. And your friendship franchise is screwed for years to come.

Personally, when I see the Red Sox bid $51.1 Million Dollars (said in Dr. Evil voice)(and by the way, what's the extra &0.1M for?) for an unproven (no offense Japan) pitcher, JUST for the rights to shell out more money, it makes me smile. I'm imagining the dreams and expectations of all Red Sox players as an emormous sack of hope, and everytime they make a big ole fat move like this, it gets inflated to the point of breaching. And guess what? There's only one way for it to go from there....pffffft. I feed all that energy maniacally into cautious optimism and guarded expectancy, which is tough to do if you know what any of those words mean. Our Twins sack of hope is more like a handbag of hope (Prada or DKNY), in which we delicately file away Luis Castillos, chapsticks, and Jason Jenningseses, and watch them emerge in April and May before badmouthing them in July.

That's how we roll.

I suggest you roll the same.

The mighty Canadian has just won the North American League Most Valuable Player Award, and this simply cannot be...not...mentioned. Anyway. We are going to do our best Bounty impression, soaking up all the pundit goodness, before proclaiming the True nature of what this means for the future of humanity. And Canadianity. But in the meantime, to all you Jeter (actually pronounced "Jetter" (like 'petter') apparently -- according to WCCO anyway) backers out there (Hops), let me be the first to say...nah nah nanah nah.


Anonymous said...

I've never been prouder to be a wanna-be Canadian.

Also, suck it, Jeter.

Hops said...

Hey Kaiser, stop killing me parenthetically with your (song).

The Fightin' Canadian can be my first baseman anytime.

Anonymous said...

Greatest. Post. Ever.

Kaiser said...

Disturbing is right.

crystal said...

Great credo. And are you speaking from personal experience with the roomate's younger sister scenario?

"One of these things is not like the other" is probably in my top-5 Sesame Street songs, quite an achievement. Sadly, I just don't think it can ever rise above Mahnama Na or 123, 45, 6789 10, 11, 12 to claim the top spot.

Now, excuse me while I go throw up from imagining compromising pictures of Carl.

Kaiser said...

Maybe there the pictures I have of Carl aren't as leverage-inducing as I first suspected. An inside source just told me he customarily wears banana hammocks around the Twins offices...

Smitty said...

Jennings is a hell of a pitcher, glad to see T Ryan go after him. ERA machine in CO of all places.

Hey Boston, nice work with the whole $51.1 mill thing. If you think you've found your Santana, well, enjoy the 12-1 start to the season while going just 3-10 over the 2nd half. I'm just saying.

Suck it evil east coast teams.