Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Quick Hit

I think Hops has something Twingo-related coming out today, but I couldn't resist posting this photo since it's Twins (vs. Rangers) related. Good thing he brought his "glove" to the game...apparently he wore it on the wrong "hand"....

(click here for larger image -- CAUTION: feelings are palpable)
(Due where due is credit: Defective Yeti)

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

We Get It...You Hate the Metrodome

Look who stopped by on a Tuesday...our old (fairweather) friend Mr. Hunter;

As someone who gets lost going to the corner to buy a newspaper...I sympathize a bit. But fuck you for making fun of the Dome. You can't make fun of our retarded little brother...only WE can make fun of our retarded little brother. (Karma bit him in the ass when the security guard didn't recognize him)

Monday, April 28, 2008

Picture Pages-Texas Rangers

In honor of the stars at night being big and bright (you know you just clapped), it’s a special, homespun wisdom version of Picture Pages:

Friday: “You won’t learn that any further up the creek”
Texas 6 Twins 5

Twins reminded that the only time you should ever completely rely on Canadians is if you’ve entered a pairs figure skating competition. C-Button, with his speed, hits the ball on the ground and legs out two bunt hits…tries it from the red tees for a third time, but hurts himself, as Man-Karma finally catches up with him. But it can only get better from here, right? I mean…it’s the Rangers

Saturday: “Give him time and he’ll come to his milk”

Twins wait out Ace…split doubleheader.

Game 1
Sidney Ponsons 6 Twins 1

Game 2
Twins 11 Non-Aruban Pitchers 0 know how crappy you feel about your team this morning? Well, imagine if they'd lost THIS game.
Hey A-Rod, come play for MN…we value all 3-run home runs, no matter when you hit them! (See Cuddyer, Michael)

Sunday: You’re so ugly, you’d make a freight train take a dirt road.
Texas 11 Twins 0

I can't decide which number is more disturbing...but I'm pretty sure it's the 0.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Picture Pages - Oakland Athletics

Stupid west coast games. If California and/or the entire west coast eventually falls into the ocean because of a massive earthquake it will be sad for awhile, but maybe it will eliminate sporting events starting WAY past our bedtimes. Worth it? Tough call...

Tuesday: Twins 5, Oakland 4....The Monroe Doctrine was an announcement by the U.S. that its foreign policy would be fundamentally and morally opposed to colonialism (at least until it wasn't). It was the other thing we learned from the British besides how to properly harass a celebrity into anorexia and emotional distress. Slightly less known is the Craig Monroe Doctrine, which announced that Craig Monroe should always (and only) play when Joe Blanton is pitching. Good thing we got him for 7.6 times more money then Sweeney would have cost.

Wednesday: Twins 0, Oakland 3 ...we got beat by a French painter?

Thursday: Twins 2, Oakland 11....Oakland slams home a bold-faced data point in the New Francisco Experiment to indicate that F-bomb is not quite ready for primetime yet. Actually, the FCC would never allow an F-bomb in primetime anyway...maybe it's time for a nickname change? The Twins contribute a quarter to the swear jar and fly to Texas where everything is bigger (including starting pitcher's ERAs).

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Further Feminine Musings from the East Coast

Back by popular demand to give the folks in flyover country a bit more east coast wisdom (and to give me an excuse to post another rap video)...ladies and gentlemen, the guest postess with the mostess...Crystal!

I’m back! Thanks for indulging me with a few (uh, a lot) more words in your corner of the internet, guys.

Let’s start with a miniature “picture pages” of my own, to set the scene appropriately.

Fenway Park:

I’m trying not to be too gushy here, but I’m really not sure there’s a better stadium around. It’s historic, it’s small, it’s green. It requires attention paid to the elements, it has the most kick-ass scoreboard in professional sports, and no crazy gourmet food stands selling nonsense like sushi and crepes. Speaking of…

The Food:

Now, let me be clear: my Fenway Frank looked nothing like this one. The thought of brown mustard and relish kind of makes me throw up in my mouth. But overall, it’s a solid dog. The bun is what really throws you off—imagine folded Wonder Bread cradling your wiener. (Ding!) It’s supposedly a “New England” thing…but I think they’re just too cheap to shell out for real buns. (For an excellent overview of famous stadium hot dogs in the major leagues, check this out. I might die immediately thereafter, but simply must try a Cincinnati Cheese Coney at some point in this life.)

The Drink:

I think I lost count. But they sure tasted good.

The Man Candy:

Unfortunately, he was fully clothed and sitting a few too many sections away from me. His loss, clearly.

With this context in mind, let’s turn our attention to the topic at hand.

Jonathan Papelbon described the game thusly: "You could just sense that Boston fever from the crowd. City of Champions. Right there [the bottom of the eighth], something special happened." While he’s batshit crazy, I totally agree with him. With the Sox down 3-2 going in the bottom of that inning, you just kind of knew the Texans were about to get screwed.

“Sweet Caroline” was sung with the usual 8th inning vigor and the scoreboard flashed the (now meaningless) victory of the Bruins over the Canadiens. Chants of “USA” erupted. (Really. I was a bit confused, but it beats the usual “Yankees Suck”…even when another team is visiting.)
(Ed. note...Montreal is in another country)
Witness: Wicked Craziness.
And the record-setting crowd (37,598, the most since WWII…which makes no sense to me—uh, World Series games?—but is still a fun useless fact) was just plain old fired up. I don’t know a better way to describe it, other than to say that—at least in the outfield—there was plenty of alcohol to fuel that fire.

Ortiz tied it up with a shot to the outfield that scored Pedroia (cute little fetus that he is!), and Manny stepped up to the plate. I don’t think there was a whole lot of doubt in the stands about what was going to happen next.

He just straight up demolished that ball.
It was gone, 37,598 people went fucking nuts, and I learned that there’s no better way to spend a spring night in Boston.

Ohio has no time for MN nice

Could it be possible that expectations for winning differ from franchise to franchise? It would seem Cincinnati had higher hopes for our Mr. Krivsky.

It's weird seeing a franchise fire a GM based on his poor performance...don't you think so, Mr. McHale?

Monday, April 21, 2008

Picture Pages-Cleveland Indians

Cleveland 4 Twins 0
Both pitchers cheat and throw with the wrong hand. Twins hitters protest, take the day off.

Twins 3 Cleveland 0
Justin Morneau hits the ball over the one swing! Nick Blackburn and his backing band turn four double-plays...learn what most already know; two is ALWAYS better than one.

Twins 2 Cleveland 1
C-Button saves game with diving catch, but lands on his wang. Mrs. Mauer says he seemed fine after the game. Justin Morneau kicks the game winner in the 10th...teams tie on total goals for the series.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Picture Pages - Tampa Bay Rays (no devils here you freaking heathens)

Twins 6, Tampa 5 ...Carl Crawford commits one of the classic blunders -- no, not starting a land war in Asia -- laying out full to catch a clearly foul ball and thereby allowing the winning run to tag in the eighth inning. At least he has no history of doing idiotic things at the Dome to lose games for his team, because otherwise this would be borderline unacceptable. Somewhere a manager is spiking Carl's goblet with iocaine powder.

Sesame Street style -- one of these pictures is not like the other...

(Hint: one of these is NOT a classic blunder)

Twins 3, Rays 7 ... The Boof Bonser Corrollary: part 2 -- fat + hot = melty

An actual quote from Boof: "I made my pitches," said Bonser, who allowed three hits in six innings last Saturday in Kansas City. "I had some balls up the middle, some that went by the infield and I just didn't get them to really hit it at anybody." Yes, we're aware of WHY you are a bad pither. The first step is recognizing you have a problem.

A few bonus points:
*If you haven't already, please, please, PLEASE check out the excellent special guest post from Crystal
*Eric Hinske is scary looking. Seriously, when I look at his face the first thing that comes to mind is "bar brawl". I think he could take Patrick Swayze.
*Denard Span botching the first ball-in-play of the game was quite a fitting omen for the game last night, as well as his start in the field the past week or so. I won't even make any can't-handle-the-bright0-lights-of-the-bigs/heir-apparent-to-Torii jokes (he lost it in the lights).
*The Jamaican Laptop ("That's a Dell, mon") continues to be the most "meh" player on this team. DO SOMETHING!! ANYTHING! Even if it's glaringly embarrassing. I'd prefer that at this point.
*Brian Bass.... (shaking head)

Thursday, April 17, 2008

TW(O) with boobs

I could spend a few sentences introducing you to our first-ever guest columnist, but instead please enjoy a video from her jr. high talent show:

Take it away, Crystal!

Saturdays with Santana (at Shea)

One of the first images I was greeted with upon arrival in New York last week was a city bus covered with a massive image of Johan Santana in orange and blue. (Seriously, who picks team colors of orange and blue? Even my favorite Venezuelan with his gorgeous caramel tones is hard pressed to pull off that color scheme.) It was a bit of a reality check, along with a mouthful of exhaust. He really is gone.

Lucky for me, though, the fates aligned. My second MLB outing of the year got me out of the baggie-topped Dome and into the equally doomed-to-rubble Shea Stadium to witness the matchups of Santana v. Sheets; Fielder v. peanuts and Cracker Jacks; Wright v. single women (and let’s be real, gay men) everywhere.

So what did I learn from our east cost brethren? Let’s see.
Does a 5-3 outing really warrant booing? Apparently so, if you are fans of a team that crashed and burned in historic proportions to miss the playoffs last year and wanted to welcome their new superstar with open arms. I mean, sure…he allowed three homeruns and botched a key play to hold a runner on third. But still. He’s so cute! New Yorkers really do kind of suck sometimes. (Just kidding, Derek Jeter New York! I love you! Call me!)

Drunk girls on stuffy local trains are never not funny. And if you ever run into Zoe the Mets Fan on the number 7, you’re in for a real treat. She’ll ask to marry you and tell you how hot her best friend’s boobs are…just be sure you get off the train before she starts turning splotchy and stops talking. I think that means vomit is forthcoming.

Shea Stadium’s last year is being commemorated with orange and blue metal beer bottles. WHERE IS THE LOVE, Metropolitan Sports Facilities Commission? Are you just going to let the Metrodome slip quietly into the night?

I’d like the DH abolished. It just adds a bit more spice to the game—it was really fun to watch Santana at bat (and to see his average go from .200 to .143 in a matter of innings), it makes each at bat (and non-pitcher batter) a bit more valuable, and it keeps Barry Bonds out of work. Discuss.
Prince Fielder running towards home plate to field a bunt is a sight to behold. Just picture that for a minute, please. Yep, I laughed.
I snuck into the new Mets stadium and buried a Nick Punto jersey in the outfield. Now where’s my story?

Milwaukee actually looks really good. I’m not sure what Bud has done behind the scenes to orchestrate what could be a turnaround for the ages, but I was impressed. This Sheets kid is pretty tremendous.

The attractiveness rating for the Mets declined roughly 61% with the loss of Carlos (C-Button, in these parts) Gomez and addition of Luis Castillo to the lineup. Just because I know you guys care about those things.

My east coast baseball tour continues this Saturday with a stop at Fenway for the Sox v. Texans. I’m excited to see Manny’s braids and weed rimmed eyes, Ortiz’s bedazzled accessories, and Papelbon’s crazy eyes and dancing legs up close and personal as well as continuing my ongoing investigation to determine whose hot dog reigns supreme (Fenway Frank, watch out…the Dome Dog is coming for you). Oh, and watch a little baseball, too.

All I really have to say, though, is this: thank god this didn’t come to pass. We’ve already suffered enough.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Picture Pages-Detroit Tigers

Tigers 11 Twins 9
When you depend on something so often, it's going to let you down once in a while. Like alcoholism.

Tigers 6 Twins 5
Long season...blah, blah, blah. I don't want to talk about it.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Think like a porn star

"I'm usually better the second night. I'm looking forward to it.''

No, not a quote from Randy West's biography "It Was the Mustache"...but a quote from Pavel Demitra regarding tonight's Wild game in Colorado...the second in two nights.

Let's hope Mr. Neshek feels the same way.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Picture Pages-Kansas City Royals (powder blue)

Twins 5 Kansas City 0
Livan...strong and cheap! We haven't seen a start like this since...
Twins 2 Kansas City 0
The Boof Bonser Corollary: Cold+Fat=Victory.

Kansas City 5 Twins 1 (barely)
The Twins screwed by the Mets for the second time this year.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Picture Pages - Chicago White Sox

Twins 4, S[u]x 7... Neshek finally gives up a run...well actually 4 simultaneously... causing no one in the blogosphere to declare the Joe Nathan signing a brilliant move (because criticism is easier and more satisfying ego-wise).

Bad Salami

Well deserved day off because weak-ass Chicago fans are scared of "bad weather". Pussies.

Catching is hard
Twins 12, White Ho's 5... The Rubik's Kubel is solved, although he can't be given credit for it because he did it in a non-clutch situation in a blow-out game and insurance runs don't count for anything even though it will show up in his slugging and OPS numbers later and stat-heads will all quote it anyway. Will the 12-run dyanamation (new word combining boomgoesthedynamite and explosion) be a prelude or a statistical abberation (ie. the success of Paris Hilton's "career")?

Good salami

Ppd, rain delay... curse you baseball gods! You get me lubed up (in a metrosexual moisturizing way) with an offensive explosion and now I have to WAIT for baseball!! Almost enough to make me renounce my sports-paganism (JK, golf gods -- how bout getting rid of this snow!?).

Thank you google image search gods

Monday, April 07, 2008

Perfect Busch

Since I was able to spend Saturday afternoon watching major league baseball teams compete against each other outside and you weren’t…I feel I owe it to you, baseball fans of MN, to pass on a little knowledge in preparation for 2010.

*When watching baseball outside on a nice day (65 and blue sky on Saturday), the fans around you will be generally “happy”. Don’t let this strange emotion confuse you. You are still allowed to boo, cheer, etc…however, be aware that you will be MUCH more likely to randomly turn to someone and say “Hey there, fella”.

*The Sun is capable of burning your skin, much like fire. Be careful.

*The outdoor environment may seem so much like your backyard, that you’ll be tempted to drink a beer. Be aware, unlike the six pack you keep in the garage, beer at an outdoor stadium is slightly more valuable to those who make and sell it. For instance, the liquor store near my house sometimes uses Bud Light as a palate cleanser while offering tastings of actual alcohol. At the ballgame, Bud Light costs $8.75. I’m pretty sure it’s the same beer.

*Women are more attractive when properly attired for an outdoor baseball game. Men are still very, very ugly.

*Indoor baseball players look like this, outdoor baseball players look like this.

Picture Pages-Kansas City Royals

Game 1, Friday
Twins4 Royals3...Twins win on a squeeze bunt, but lose Cuddy for two weeks while he attends David Blaine's Magic Camp.
Game 2
Twins6 Royals4
Hey...Justin Morneau plays his first game of the year.

Game 3
Royals3 Twins1
Twins crap the bed.