Thursday, February 28, 2008

I don't feel tardy

Welcome back, F-Bomb
Yes…we can officially talk about him again.

And, in honor of the first radio broadcast of the year today, a quick reminder to Dan Gladden that he is the RADIO broadcaster. That means your listeners (there’s a hint right there) can’t SEE the play. Please try and describe the action with a bit more clarity than you’re known for. I’m well aware that you and John Gordon are drunk while calling the games, but, with very few exceptions, doing something drunk should mean you’re doing it better.

Instead of screaming “OOOOHHHHH” and moving on without telling us what happened; say “Player X had a most excellent slide into third base, and, consequently, has been awarded said position”.

Instead of “The pitch…swing and the ball is…the outfielder is coming in to make the catch…home-run.”…try, “That ball is hit a long way…it has a chance…the centerfielder goes back to the wall…GONE! A Home Run!” Remember, watch the fielder, not the ball.

Instead of “Swing…ball…oh my god…throws to third…the ball is loose…gets away…safe!” …try, “Gordo, please get your hand off my thigh.”.

Instead of “Buy Gluek’s beer” …just shut your hole.

Wow…three days in a row of posting! Must be hockey season. (Nice tradeOglethorpe wasn’t available?)

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

From the Webmaster

We all wear a lot of hats here at TWT, and I'm not talking about the collection of Dairy Queen Hat Day ones Smitty has in his closet (next to his 83 game-worn Barry Sander's OSU jerseys). One of mine is webmaster, and I am (back) here at TWT to let you know about some formatting changes. Not to worry loyalists, nothing major.

TWT Brain Trust and Managerial Staff at Company Picnic 2007
First and foremost, the tragic (and necessary) departure of Namesake has caused us to (slightly) change the name of this hallowed website, as you will notice at the top of the page. Our URL, however, will not change in order to preserve links to said URL on other pages in the internets that we have no control over. Such is life and internets.

Secondly, we are no longer campaigning openly for Terry Ryan for president in 2007, as will be noticed visually by the removal of his campaign button from the sidebar. The staff here at TWT has learned that the presidential election is actually THIS year...and furthermore, that legendary GMs do not generally run for public office. Our mistake. We figured that the A.J. deal to San Fran was roughly the equivalent of 10 years of military service in terms of political capital, but apparently we were mistaken. We reserve the right to put Bill Smith on a button in the future, but seeing as how we probably couldn't pick him out of a crowd right now, the name (and face) recognition might be lacking.

Thirdly, although our acceptance process is rigorous (ie. randomly running across them on the internets) we have added a couple of new promising blogs to the reading list on the sidebar.
-That's's a real Royals Blog. And not about suicide methodology.
-Walk-off Walk (Funny title, but still not as funny as the Onion article a month or so back about Derek Jeter leading the league in Walk-off Intangibles)

Lastly, I for one am considering a change, or at least a streamlining, of my personal fan philosophy for this year's 2008 Minnesota Twins. And as a result, am looking forward to this season probably more than even last year's (eventually meh) version. My fandom has always been a curious mix of roots in personal childhood nostalgia (fond '87 and '91 memories through the rosy lens of kid-dom), communal glory and misery (high-fiving and catharsis with friends), and plain aesthetic appeal (Canadian- and namesake-jacks and Johan sitting bitches) and stood somewhat paradoxically against my backlash against blind provincialism and non-liberated fandom (being a die-hard for the sake of being a die-hard, and/or just because I happen to live in Minny). A season like 2006 is the kind that gets you reinvigorated on a very visceral level -- I mean, how many times do you have a second-half comeback like that, not to mention crown a batting champ, an MVP, and a Cy Young winner. It was easy to be a fan that season. But every season can't be like that, so what do you hold onto in the leaner years? For me, although what exactly constitutes the "right way" to play baseball or run a front office can be debated, I have felt that the Twins philosophy has been spot on and I have been a fan of both that style and their resilience in sticking to it. It's not always the sexiest fact, the waters are murky as the Mississippi sometimes when trying to assess "success" of a trade/roster move/lineup change/insert random baseball move that can be nitpicked to death. And trying to assess the "success" of a philosophy itself is even worse. In a grey world (and in my opinion, baseball is very grey), the ultimate assessment is not always wins and losses -- especially when the playing field is propped up in one corner by the YES network and Ted Turner's gargantuan head in another (which is to say, uneven). But at least it is something to hang onto during reloading years, and a connection to the team in a slightly deeper way than just sharing a zip code with them. Their philosophy of buy low, sell high (or at least medium), build from within, be better at player assessment than everyone else, may not be Right in the universal sense (Truth with a capital T), but it befits my own (overly analytical) personality in a way that provides an additional personal connection. And that is something I can invest in. Because if they are rewarded for careful analysis and diligent, dilligence...than maybe I will be in real life too by utilizing the same methods and life will be know, living. And maybe I'll get rich or something.

So to recap.... Carlos Gomez becoming an All-Star = Kaiser financial freedom = excited about the 2008 season.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Someone Should Probably Stand Behind Second Base

A TWT scouting report on the three leading candidates to replace our favorite former Twin:

11 Jason Pridie

Little known fact…no one actually knows how to pronounce Jason Pridie’s name. This confusion has lead to the unusual situation where there have actually been five Jason Pridie’s over the last decade…all pretending to be THIS Jason Pridie. While at first an urban legend, this situation has become so well known that saying “The Pridie’s” is MLB's version of "The Aristocrats". Every player has their own story about their encounter with the Pridie’s…each more disgusting than the last. An excerpt from Michael Cuddyer’s:

…and this little guy comes up to me to shake my hand…and he’s COVERED in Cambodian Breast Milk…I mean, absolutely drenched. I ask him what his deal is, and he says, “My pinkie toes smell like pickled herring…you try”. I’m completely stunned and have no idea what to say…as I’m walking away, shaking my head, he yells “I wear donkey shit underwear…make that disappear, Magic Man”.

Despite this, he seems to really read the ball well off the bat...a key if you're going to play in the Dome.

2 Denard Span

Despite being the heir apparent to Torii Hunter the last three years, Span has yet to prove himself capable of doing anything other than not playing baseball very well. He even briefly tried adding additional, useless vowels to his name…spelling it Denaard for most of 2005. With his mentor gone, he’s been trying to ingratiate himself with other teammates this year…even going so far as to learn Canadian in an effort to get Justin Morneau to take him under his wing. That proved easier than expected, with Justin and Denard becoming fast friends and seen hanging out in Fort Meyers, drinking Molson and eating copious amounts of moose meat. Their unlikely partnership has even spawned it’s own hilarious, buddy-cop-show nickname…The MVP and The Guy Who Should Never Have Been Drafted. (I picture Paul Walker and Gary Coleman in the lead roles...someone get my agent on the phone!)

22 Carlos Gomez

Carlos Gomez, when out with teammates, has been known to order a beer, throw-it down in one drink, and precede to eat the bottle. That’s right, Carlos Gomez eats glass. And shits lightning. He is so fast that he can turn out the lights in Joe Mauer’s bedroom and already be in bed with Joe’s mother by the time it gets dark. That’s fast!

He’s also 23 years old. And Dominican. Which means he’s actually 26 years old and knows that if he doesn’t make it as a Major Leaguer this year, all the 14 year-old prospects back home will call him a pussy. But probably in Spanish.

When told he was being traded for Johan Santana, owner of the league’s best change-up, Carlos replied, “Slow pitches are okay for Venezuela…but in the Dominican, if a pitcher throws slower than 95 mph we make him attend his next cock-fight naked while holding a fifty pound bag of sunflower seeds” I’m not “officially” a scout or coach for the Twins…but I’d pick the guy bangin’ Joe Mauer’s mom.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Joe Mauer vacuums his lady bits

Won't disclose the surgery, huh? Something in his back? Let's not kid ourselves.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The Sex Tornado?

Do we have a nickname for Delmon yet?