Monday, March 31, 2008

Open Sesame

It's opening day for the Twins! And some of the TWT staff is headed down to Humbert H. Humphrey Snow Globe for the game (and the return of Namesake). I'm bringing my notepad, and expecting mostly to write about the ridiculous things that Carlos Gomez says and does, which I anticipate to be the focus of a lot of my attention and blogging this season. Apparently his outfield cohort agrees...

"Everything about him makes me laugh," said right fielder Michael Cuddyer. "Especially just how fast he is. He beats out everything."

Justin Morneau agrees too...

Ask a Twin about Gomez this spring, and the response would be a head shake and a giggle. When Justin Morneau stopped laughing, he said: "He is one of a kind. In so many ways. He can absolutely fly. He's the kind of athlete who comes along very rarely, with that speed and also having power.

I'm not sure exactly what kind of omen or metaphor it is that we will get somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 inches of snow today too...more gilded finger-tipped folks than me are required for that. But it is also little bit ridiculous and I'll take that as a good sign for the guy who craps lightning. Typical pre-season predictions are a bit you really care who finishes third or fourth in the National League Southeast Division? Instead, I offer you these slightly more specific predictions for our new 6-tool (the usual 5, plus he is a bit of one) center fielder:

I predict he will steal 7 bases tonight, including two inappropriately while playing defense, and will slide into the left fielder on one after missing the bag. He will unquestionably be the first to get to his defensive position while running out at the beginning of the game, narrowly beating Gardy during his trek from the clubhouse to his seat in the clubhouse. He will strike out three times by a combined seven feet of bat-to-ball space. He will lose one ball in the baseball-colored dome and have it Jose Canseco him in the head, whereupon he will still pick it up and gun the guy out at second. He will beat out a routine ball to short to go 1 for 4, and forget three teammates names during a post-game press conference, including himself as he tries to refer to himself in the third person.

And I will love every bit of it. Commence giggling...

Thursday, March 20, 2008


...daddy's busy.

Monday, March 17, 2008

You Can Do Nothing, You Can Do Something...

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

All along, we thought all we were trying to replace was Torii Hunter…but we forgot we also have another outfielder we need to replace…Sweet Lew Ford. And with quotes like this:

"They don't have no speed like me. I know I can help this team. Especially when I hit ahead of Morneau and the catcher and the other guy.'"

I think we’ve found our guy

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

Joe Mauer, love him or hate him, is the most boring human on the planet. Tied for #2? All Canadians. And I love magic tricks just as much as the next four year old, but I’m worried that if Cuddy’s the most interesting guy on this team, Bert Blyleven might go crazy and start swearing on live television.

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

I won’t spend a lot of time ranting about this today…but my favorite team is cheap. Super cheap. I bet Jim Pohlad’s the kind of guy who goes out to dinner with friends, drinks four beers, leaves early, throws $10 on the table and says,“That should cover me”. Jerk. So, don’t you, like, at least have to TRY to entertain us a bit? The kid’s going to make LOTS of mistakes in centerfield…but, Christ, it’s the Metrodome. Willie Mays would look silly for a game or two.

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

His ability to shit lightning isn’t something you see every day.

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

It will make Tony Oliva happy…and I think that’s something we can all get on board with.

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

You traded Johan Santana. You let Torii go. You signed TWO Houston Astros and neither of them is named Lance Berkman. Nick Punto is still on the team. You snowballed the city into giving you MILLIONS of dollars. Throw us a frickin’ bone here.

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

Friday, March 14, 2008


The Cardinals have reached a preliminary agreement with Kyle Lohse for one year and 4.25 million dollars.

An actual quote from the Cardinals GM:
"If it were a perfect world, we wouldn't have had to go down this path," Mozeliak said. "But it's not and we're going to need someone to pitch every fifth day."

That kind of support would DEFINITELY make me excited to start a new job. I'd like to imagine that when the Cardinals first called his agent, he asked for something like three years, 21 million...and the Cardinals hung-up.

In related news...I'm attending a Cardinals game in St. Louis on April 5th...and now dreading the possibility of having to watch Kyle Lohse pitch again.

At least this ALMOST makes us even for the Tom Herr debacle.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Pit of Despair

In honor of Reusse's extreme pessimism today…I bring you the happy side of baseball: That players routinely get to put their hoohoodilly’s in some seriously nice cha-chas.

Clay Bucholz dating a penthouse pet, who has been approved by his father:
“It doesn’t surprsie me any,” said Clay’s dad. “Last year up in Boston he was dating a Victoria’s Secret model, so he’s moving up the ladder . . . . I mean, he’s got pretty good taste.”

In related news…Scott Spiezio has a tattoo of some hot action on his arm. Oh…and it’s his wife.

Keep hoping Casey Daigle makes the team...

C’mon Baby Jesus…time to get back on that horse. How about looking up this lovely lady the next time you’re in NYC…maybe Johizzy can get you her number?

Why Miguel Tejada really does steroids

Another reason to hate the Yankees

Why would Jose Lima ever close his eyes?

At least Nick Punto is good at something

And there’s always the whore from before

There must be plenty more…any favorites?

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


I'm going to assume that most have heard of the newest addition to the Yankee lineup. I guess the Yankees were upset that they lost out on Ponson and turned to the next best option. I'm sure I shouldn't care about this and I'm sure it's just another way for the Yankees to stay "at the top" of the news ticker on ESPN, ESPN2 through ESPNU. But really? I know that our current culture is obsessed with everything Hollywood....what isn't Brittney wearing these days, how many noses does Michael Jackson keep in his wallet, who would win in a triple threat cage match: Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise or God. Heck, we even put more clout in the political opinions of celebrities over, well, politicians (this point is debatable depending on which politician is speaking of course. I take David Arquette over some). ET Tu When Harry Met Sally guy? Billy, that's why they have fantasy baseball camp. I like that a reporter actually had to ask Joe Girardi what position Billy was going to play and Joe had to answer! Don't get me wrong, I'm all for celebrities using their status to raise money for a foundation or a cause, but getting a chance to play with the Yankees as a birthday gift? And really Joe, has Billy Crystal done that much for the Yankee organization? Billy Crystal. Has helped the Yankees. Alot. Really. No, really. I guess I forgot how he helped saved the organization when it was in trouble. My bad. Hey Joe, check your local City Slickers DVD and tell me what New York team he is wearing in that movie. Whoops.

Side note - best thing about the ESPN article is they list other celebs that have played in spring training. Tom Selleck played with the Tigers, pinch hit for Rob Deer, and struck out. Funny, didn't realize Tom Selleck was a method actor. Nice work.

Monday, March 10, 2008


Quick one today kids. In They-Used-To-Be-One-Of-Us news, Christian Guzman hit a pair of home runs this weekend, one from each side of the plate. That is wrong on so many levels. And (for some reason) the Rangers signed our old rotund, Caribbean friend....discuss.

Also, if you didn't catch this in the comments of the last post, Carlos Gomez is still amusing. I think he's ahead in the imaginary mind race in Gardy's head to start at center field. This is an interesting look at it from Span's side. Almost enough to make me feel bad for him, but he needs to come up with at least Gomez-like personality quirk to stem the tide. Maybe referring to himself in the third person or ironing himself or something...

Update: Whoops, maybe I spoke to0 soon:
"Gomez ran into his own bunt for an out in the first inning. He didn't realize he was out until after he got back in the batter's box." (link here)

Friday, March 07, 2008

Preen-season Baseball

I'm getting officially excite bike about the 2008 baseball season which is A MERE # AND A !/@ WEEKS AWAY (that'd read "3 and a 1/2" if I wasn't too excited to turn the caps lock off). I always have difficulty during this part of the season which is really not part of the season but maybe it is a teeny bit because I feel the drive to read every blog post and report and snippet and bottom-of-the-notebook item trying to fill the void, while simultaneously my brain tells me that these games and performances don't count yet so don't read too much into them. I try to sift through every 1 inning pitching performance to detect if F-bomb's elbow is coming apart at the seams and look at Baby Jesus' .500 batting average with skeptical eye-batting over the top of my reading glasses (sorry, that wasn't meant for you attrative waitress gal) , all the while a tiny little butterfly of hope is stirring somewhere in my gut. Three things that get me a little twittery in the loins...the baseball loins, that is.

* The return of F-Bomb*
You got to love looking atvideo like this (via Gleeman). Somewhat hard to tell from this, but apparently Francisco has gained like 30 pounds during his extended rehab stint. I guess there's not a lot to do back at home except lift weights. Or maybe he was on the Daunte Culpepper strip-mall gym rehab plan. Or maybe, just maybe, Liriano's agent came to a super secret agreement with Boof Bonser (he's small now) who suspiciously just happened to lose the exact same amount of weight during the exact same offseason! Apparently Tommy John is code for "liposuction transfer surgery"?

*The ridiculousness of Carlos Gomez*
I haven't seen too much of this kid yet (zero, actually), but apparently he is crazy fast. I have to say, there is not much better in the world of sports for me than watching ridiculously fast guys. It's always been a literal fascination, and apparently this kid is the real deal on those terms. I also hear that his batting style roughly resembles that of an overly sugared 11-year-old boy trying to kill horseflies with a 34 oz Louisville Slugger. Like worse than early Torii. I'm sure it'll get REAL frustrating after awhile (especially if he's leading off), but it's going to be pretty damn funny in the interim. I love that honeymoon period. Lastly, you gotta love stuff like this. "
A key figure in the Johan Santana trade, he is convinced he is about to become an impact player with the Twins. 'Sure!' he said the other day. 'They don't have no speed like me. I know I can help this team. Especially when I hit ahead of Morneau and the catcher and the other guy.'" Are you serious? He says things like this!? Unbelievably ridiculous. Unbelievably awesome. And we thought Delmon Young was going to be the one with possible character issues? Speaking of Delmon...

*A bit more mash-happy lineup this year?*
I'm excited for the possible emergence of Delmon, no longer just the Jamaican answer to "What kind of laptop is that?" anymore (sorry, couldn't help myself). I'm also excited, and maybe this is one of the side-effects of a so-so year last year, for the re-emergence of the catcher, the Morneau, and yes, the other guy (Cuddy, although Gomez might have meant Delmon?). Taken as a whole, I don't know if the entire lineup is necessarily a significant upgrade over last year or two years ago (that would be tough), but I speculate that it will be. Let's put it this way...given the suspect nature of our pitching staff at this point, it better be. I just get a sneaky little feeling that this is going to be the most home-run heavy Twins team of recent memory. Yeah, yeah, yeahs...I know the bar is REAL low and I'm not really going out on a limb there, but I'm just saying that we could see a fair bit of mashing and that is flat-out fun to watch. Lock-down pitching is cool in kind of a slow and steady defense and rebounding way, but the acute joy of a game-turning home run can't be matched. It's like a tomahawk dunk know...with a bat. And the ball is smaller.

Can't wait for Tuesdays in the home run porch...

Thursday, March 06, 2008

The Post That Only David Ortiz Loves

The battle for DH…from the perspective of a selection of candidate body parts:

Jason Kubel’s knees ;

We know, we know…you think this is going to be a biased, unfair look at the “talent” of Jason Kubel. Well, guess what Ponch…you’d be wrong. You think just ‘cuz we’re attached to him we’d be in favor of him getting the job? Forget that, Junior…we’ve had enough. That’s right, we quit. And if you don’t think we’re serious, Tiger, just try trotting him out there for ONE more inning. It won’t take us long to prove to you, Sunshine, that we are NOT kidding around here. Seriously.

Craig Monroe’s hamstrings, calves, thighs, and pinky toes;

(giggling)Really? (giggling) The Twins signed (giggling), a former Tiger outfielder (giggling) with a history (giggling) of leg problems (giggling) to play in the Metrodome (intense giggling) AFTER (giggling) spending the last two years (giggling) “waiting” for Rondell White (giggling) to get healthy (hahahahahahahahahahahaha).

Garret Jones' third and fourth nipples;
We're out of options...see you in Minnesota, suckers!

Lew Ford’s harelip;

Hey…Japan can’t be that far from MN, right? I can be there in a flash! (Literally…I assume we’ll teleport)