Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Goulosh & a new season

There aren't very many things I anticipate in life. Not to over-use too many cliches, but I'd like to think I'm your basic "go with the flow" type. But I find myself feeling like I did on those great past car rides heading west on Interstate 90. When my mouth started watering at the thought of Grandma Smith's goulosh waiting for me in Luverne, MN. Homemade applesauce (the greatest thing every created, suck it wheel!) and O'Boise potato chips sitting next to the bowl of Goulosh. Why? The season is upon us, the first Grapefruit league game is today against the Evil Empire's hot sister, the Boston Red Sox. You might think she's different cause she's hot, but oh no, she's just as crazy (sorry Seth). I have a hard time waiting for the box scores, even if it's a split squad game. I'm looking forward to the return of TPX (Lecroy) and seeing him hit .300 for the spring. For those interested, that would be 6 for 20 with 3 HR, 2 DB, a bloop hit and 10 k's. I'm just sayin. I'm looking forward to Santana's changeup, Guerrire's curveball, Nathan's twitching, Mauer's sideburns & sweet swing and Morneau's freakishly large forearms. I'm even slightly looking forward to Ponson's last ditch attempt at a baseball check. Although I refuse to let the Twins Marketing department, Pioneer Press or Star Tribune convince me that if he does make the team, we can get 15 wins from him. Sorry Sydney, you burned me three years ago in Fantasy Baseball and that sort of thing doesn't die in Smitty's mind.

On a side note, Terry Ryan shows more genius every day. Crain got a three year extension which might not be a big deal for most, but if you are planning on using young pitchers in the rotation over the next three years, you better make sure the best bullpen in the AL still has arms. I like it. Big question is whether or not Nathan or Morneau is next. Why can't T Ryan give a speech to the crappy Minneapolis City Planners on "how to plan for the future".

Wednesday, February 21, 2007


Stolen from the desk of Bud Selig:


To: MLB Marketing Staff
Cc: Marty’s Car Wash

Re: Keeping Baseball as America’s Pastime

Every spring, pro football manages to dominate the sports conversation…even though it should be ‘our time’. How do they do it? Constant manipulation of their prospects. Through never-ending testing, running, poking, prodding, and Wonderlicking the NFL keeps people talking about “next year”. We must and will poke and/or prod more.

Now I’m told by reliable sources that we no longer have a college draft. (To be honest, I never knew we had one in the first place) So we’re forced to work with the players we have.

Idea…a weekly one-hour television show (network? Versus? OLN?) where we pick three players to submit to random testing. And I mean random…could be steroids, could be paternity, could be the ACT’s. Should be cheap to produce…lots of b-roll footage and sappy background stories…followed by about ten minutes of actual testing. We’ll have to find “experts”. We’ll have to find a host (Harold Reynolds?).

Early surveys show viewers love this idea! (Although there was some frustration when we explained to test audiences that we wouldn’t actually be revealing the results of the tests…per league policy, of course)

I’m thinking Thursday nights after The Office (Isn't Dwight a hoot!)

Due to the overwhelming, international sucksess (sic) of hockey, it’s time we stopped hiding our heads in the ice (get it…ha!) and pay attention to what those geniuses are doing over there in (where are the NHL offices?).

The most recent surge (one of many) in popularity for the NHL seems to revolve around this “shoot-out” I've heard so much about. Clearly my record shows I have no problems with tie games…but I’m never one to stop self-evaluating. That’s the Milwaukee way!

Extra innings are boring and keep kids and old people up too late (I haven’t seen the end of a game in six years)…how can we incorporate an “event” into the effort of finishing games quicker?

Idea…most people will expect us to go with a Home Run Derby…but I like to zag when people expect me to zig. The base element of our game is pitcher versus batter, right?…but what follows close behind? That’s right…pitcher versus base runner. What if, after nine innings, instead of playing extra-innings, we have a “pick-off off”!!?? Each team selects a pitcher to come out and attempt to “pick-off” five of the opposing team's base runners…with the victory going to whichever team’s pitcher is able to pick-off the most men. Possible variables include: only allowing catchers and DH’ers to participateblindfolding the pitchersrunners have to take a shot after each throw over?
I trust ya'll can figure out the details…I’m more of a big picture guy

(Speaking of tie games…due to the under whelming response of having the winning league of the all-star game awarded home field advantage during the World Series…I’m instituting a revolutionary change: The team with the best record entering the World Series gets home field advantage. Don’t scoff…it’ll work, trust me. Also, if we do ever end up with a tie in the All-star game again…I’m overruling my previous just-stated rule, and awarding home field advantage to both teams. That’s right….four home games apiece. How you like me now?)

Idea…clearly we need more dunking.

(Ohh…and does anyone know what time Marty’s Car Wash opens? The Chevelle needs a wax.)

Friday, February 16, 2007

Heeerrreee We Go!

The Namesake

Much jubiilatiion over not haviing to rename thiis websiite. (Welcome back Mr. Hunter)
We’d love to see you bat .285 with 30 and 100…II’m just sayiin’

He Who Shall Not Be Named
We have very few rules on this site…but here’s one. We will NOT be talking about players who it may have been incredibly awesome to watch in their second season strike out innumerable hitters with a dirty, dirty slider. As a matter of fact, from here on out it is illegal for anyone to even mention his name.

Actual Baseball…now with less Sid Hartman
The origin of this group was not blog-based. We do actually gather on Tuesdays to watch Real Baseball. If the club is at home, we take advantage of Half-Price Tuesdays ($9.50 this year…enjoy my money Mr. Pohlad). If the club is on the road, we attempt to find enough couch space and/or barstools to accommodate the legions and legions of loyal TWT followers.

Finally, TPX has come back to the Metrodome!
Welcome back, Fat Matt. Expect regular stat updates along the lines of a graph outlining LeCroy’s home run per at bat ratio compared with the rise in global temperature. That’s right…TWT is now eco-friendly. All of this is dependent on him making the team…or any team for that matter. Can we open a Rochester chapter of TWT?

Probably not. I’m sure the Twins will do everything they can to frame themselves as underdogs again. We didn’t sign anyone big…the Tigers got Bonds Jr…the Indians can’t possibly underachieve again, can they?
Blah, blah, blah.
Batting Champ. Cy-Young. AL MVP. C’mon…expect to win, boys.

Extreme Expectations
Expect lots of storylines beginning “Was He Worth It” after the crazy off-season spending spree. I’m hopeful that our resident BoSox expert, Pooh, can keep us abreast of my favorite off-season signing…and also my favorite Jingoistic Mispronunciation Disguising Itself As A Nickname…Dice-K. And don’t forget…we now get to see Gil Meche nineteen times a year!

Bonds, Bonds, Bonds
Yeah, we’ll have something to say. But not yet. I’d prefer to concentrate on the good stuff for now. One of my favorite books growing up was “I Had A Hammer: The Hank Aaron Story”…so you can probably guess how this is going to go.

The Quiet Genius
It is well known around these parts that I have mad respect for the Twins GM. So much so that I’ve managed to block-out the late 90’s completely from my memory. However, it’s also fairly well known that I’m a bearded socialist…and sometimes think about things outside of the box that is Bud Selig. It is with that in mind that I am announcing the (for now) grassroots movement to get Terry Ryan to become a Senator representing the great state of Minnesota in the Congress of These United States of America (That’s still where they keep the Senate, right?). Forget Norm Coleman (please). Forget Al Franken (equally, please). Sure, Mr. Ryan has been able to thrive in the economically ridiculous setting of Major League Baseball. But we here at TWT believe he will truly blossom as a Leader of Men (or a Woman if you are one*) once allowed to speak his mind free of the silliness that is professional sports. Seeing as how this is a very busy time of year for The Quiet Genius…we here at TWT gladly accept the great honor of crafting his message, writing his speeches, and scheduling all campaign-related personal appearances. Thank-you in advance for your support.
(*line ripped off from this guy)

Other things we’ll be discussing before too long include:
Defending a division title that you actually only held for one day
Trading your closer; pros and cons
New nicknames for Cuddy…Bubblegoose is the early leader
On-going teasing of Pooh as all the new faces in Red Sox Nation fail to “gel”
Sidney Ponson…man or eating machine?
Do we call the Twins pitching staff The Young Guns or something less Emilio-centric?
If you publish a Twins blog and nobody reads it, does it make a sound when a tree falls on your house?

You get the idea.

Happy Pitchers and Catchers Reporting
Game on.