Thursday, January 11, 2007

Back. To the Future

Hey sports fans. Remember me? Well, I'm back and badder than ever. Badder than toddler grammar. I'm Color Me Badder.

Pooh has been admirably holding down the creative fort here lately, but with the arbitrary benchmark created by some long-forgotten Roman having recently passed, I figure it's time for a founding father to finally chime in during the long off-season.

I know that the potential gyro(ball) sandwich marketing opportunities in Boston have never been more rampant, and that Zito's overhand curve swooshes and swashbuckles with million-dollar ferocity, but the price tag on starting pitching this off-season has been shocking and the single biggest story of this winter of our discontent (halloffamefbidrugscandal what now?). They are Tiffany Crystal. And I'm sitting here trying to take back the Silva my sister got me for Chrismtas to Kohl's to get a refund on the sale price, while searching for parts on ebay for original discontinued Radke models. You know, the one with real tears?

While I can't help but think that the contract negotiation in San Fran involved an errant zero or two which no proofreader or lawyer caught, it causes great fear to the baseballing part of my brain. Here we sit, Twins fans, on the precipice of the most hope-ridden season in recent (or all) Twins history. With an impending outdoor (they can play baseball outside?) stadium, and an F-bomb repacking his warhead with enriched slideronium, the near future of the Republic of Twin is Rayban bright. Even while Terry Ryan (rightfully) does his best Rip (Van Winkle, not Torn or Hamilton) impersonation. And yet I sit here with a profound dread.

How much would Johan Santana be worth on the open market right now?

If this question, and others like it (with the names Morneau and Mauer subtly substituted) don't cause you fear, perhaps you're too busy fearing fear itself, or the reaper. Or maybe I underestimate the importance of luck and timing in major league sports. Maybe I have been buying hope options in great big piles, hoping to backdate them to 1991 prices (thanks for the tip Steve Jobs!). Or maybe I'm finally starting to realize what being a small-market team really feels like, after so many years of just thinking it meant you had to really, really suck. All the time.

(Ir)regardless, I feel....a great big....something...on the horizon. And it's almost here.


Hops said...

I thought we were on the shelf as the FreeDarko copyright infringment lawsuit settles out?

My annoyance at the unholy fear of losing Joheezy is matched only by my excitement for April 2nd...the day he'll pitch again...for the Twins...of know, the team we all love to love?

Kaiser, you are not allowed to laud the Quiet Genius of Terry Ryan for the life of this blog and think it is mere coincidence that during this, The Year of Meche (rhymes withe blech), Johan Santana is NOT a free agent.

I've never believed in the invented concept that the Twins are in constant danger of losing their talent to teams willing to toss around larger sacks of the coin-of-the-realm. Name me one.

The post-Hocking (rhymes with...well, hawking) Twins have been masters of tying up good players early. This era has been defined by their ability to keep good pitching...and an inability to develop sluggers. There's very little reason to think that's going to change now...on both counts, actually.

I'll admit that Santana is different, in that he is the first Twin since Kirby to be in the discussion for Greatest Player in All the Land. If he wants to be a free-agent, he'll demand whatever the definition of top-dollar happens to be for that time...most likely a big, ugly number. (rhymes with pwenty million)

I may be wearing rioja-tinted specs, but I fully believe The Quiet Genius to make the appropriate offer. If Santana wants to leave anyway...well, that will have nothing to do with MomPop vs WalMart.

Fuck's '07. Joheezy, Baby Jesus, F'ing Canadian, Yellow Submariner...they're all playing this year.

Pooh said...

How pissed is every GM in baseball at the Royals guy? Anyone paying attention now knows that claims of poverty are uhm bullshit. Or he's the worst GM since Matsiah Thommillen (they run together in my head these days).

Kaiser said...

The Gut is back. And Go Terry Ryan, Go!!

Hops said...

I like TPX better than The Gut.

Kaiser said...

I like Matsiahvin McThommillen better, btw.

Pooh said...

Nah, Bilmatsiah Thommillening