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Ellipses
Stolen from the desk of Bud Selig:
Memo
To: MLB Marketing Staff
Cc: Marty’s Car Wash
Re: Keeping Baseball as America’s Pastime
NFL;
Every spring, pro football manages to dominate the sports conversation…even though it should be ‘our time’. How do they do it? Constant manipulation of their prospects. Through never-ending testing, running, poking, prodding, and Wonderlicking the NFL keeps people talking about “next year”. We must and will poke and/or prod more.
Now I’m told by reliable sources that we no longer have a college draft. (To be honest, I never knew we had one in the first place) So we’re forced to work with the players we have.
Idea…a weekly one-hour television show (network? Versus? OLN?) where we pick three players to submit to random testing. And I mean random…could be steroids, could be paternity, could be the ACT’s. Should be cheap to produce…lots of b-roll footage and sappy background stories…followed by about ten minutes of actual testing. We’ll have to find “experts”. We’ll have to find a host (Harold Reynolds?).
Early surveys show viewers love this idea! (Although there was some frustration when we explained to test audiences that we wouldn’t actually be revealing the results of the tests…per league policy, of course)
I’m thinking Thursday nights after The Office (Isn't Dwight a hoot!)
NHL;
Due to the overwhelming, international sucksess (sic) of hockey, it’s time we stopped hiding our heads in the ice (get it…ha!) and pay attention to what those geniuses are doing over there in (where are the NHL offices?).
The most recent surge (one of many) in popularity for the NHL seems to revolve around this “shoot-out” I've heard so much about. Clearly my record shows I have no problems with tie games…but I’m never one to stop self-evaluating. That’s the Milwaukee way!
Extra innings are boring and keep kids and old people up too late (I haven’t seen the end of a game in six years)…how can we incorporate an “event” into the effort of finishing games quicker?
Idea…most people will expect us to go with a Home Run Derby…but I like to zag when people expect me to zig. The base element of our game is pitcher versus batter, right?…but what follows close behind? That’s right…pitcher versus base runner. What if, after nine innings, instead of playing extra-innings, we have a “pick-off off”!!?? Each team selects a pitcher to come out and attempt to “pick-off” five of the opposing team's base runners…with the victory going to whichever team’s pitcher is able to pick-off the most men. Possible variables include: only allowing catchers and DH’ers to participate…blindfolding the pitchers…runners have to take a shot after each throw over?
I trust ya'll can figure out the details…I’m more of a big picture guy
(Speaking of tie games…due to the under whelming response of having the winning league of the all-star game awarded home field advantage during the World Series…I’m instituting a revolutionary change: The team with the best record entering the World Series gets home field advantage. Don’t scoff…it’ll work, trust me. Also, if we do ever end up with a tie in the All-star game again…I’m overruling my previous just-stated rule, and awarding home field advantage to both teams. That’s right….four home games apiece. How you like me now?)
NBA;
Idea…clearly we need more dunking.
(Ohh…and does anyone know what time Marty’s Car Wash opens? The Chevelle needs a wax.)
To: MLB Marketing Staff
Cc: Marty’s Car Wash
Re: Keeping Baseball as America’s Pastime
NFL;
Every spring, pro football manages to dominate the sports conversation…even though it should be ‘our time’. How do they do it? Constant manipulation of their prospects. Through never-ending testing, running, poking, prodding, and Wonderlicking the NFL keeps people talking about “next year”. We must and will poke and/or prod more.
Now I’m told by reliable sources that we no longer have a college draft. (To be honest, I never knew we had one in the first place) So we’re forced to work with the players we have.
Idea…a weekly one-hour television show (network? Versus? OLN?) where we pick three players to submit to random testing. And I mean random…could be steroids, could be paternity, could be the ACT’s. Should be cheap to produce…lots of b-roll footage and sappy background stories…followed by about ten minutes of actual testing. We’ll have to find “experts”. We’ll have to find a host (Harold Reynolds?).
Early surveys show viewers love this idea! (Although there was some frustration when we explained to test audiences that we wouldn’t actually be revealing the results of the tests…per league policy, of course)
I’m thinking Thursday nights after The Office (Isn't Dwight a hoot!)
NHL;
Due to the overwhelming, international sucksess (sic) of hockey, it’s time we stopped hiding our heads in the ice (get it…ha!) and pay attention to what those geniuses are doing over there in (where are the NHL offices?).
The most recent surge (one of many) in popularity for the NHL seems to revolve around this “shoot-out” I've heard so much about. Clearly my record shows I have no problems with tie games…but I’m never one to stop self-evaluating. That’s the Milwaukee way!
Extra innings are boring and keep kids and old people up too late (I haven’t seen the end of a game in six years)…how can we incorporate an “event” into the effort of finishing games quicker?
Idea…most people will expect us to go with a Home Run Derby…but I like to zag when people expect me to zig. The base element of our game is pitcher versus batter, right?…but what follows close behind? That’s right…pitcher versus base runner. What if, after nine innings, instead of playing extra-innings, we have a “pick-off off”!!?? Each team selects a pitcher to come out and attempt to “pick-off” five of the opposing team's base runners…with the victory going to whichever team’s pitcher is able to pick-off the most men. Possible variables include: only allowing catchers and DH’ers to participate…blindfolding the pitchers…runners have to take a shot after each throw over?
I trust ya'll can figure out the details…I’m more of a big picture guy
(Speaking of tie games…due to the under whelming response of having the winning league of the all-star game awarded home field advantage during the World Series…I’m instituting a revolutionary change: The team with the best record entering the World Series gets home field advantage. Don’t scoff…it’ll work, trust me. Also, if we do ever end up with a tie in the All-star game again…I’m overruling my previous just-stated rule, and awarding home field advantage to both teams. That’s right….four home games apiece. How you like me now?)
NBA;
Idea…clearly we need more dunking.
(Ohh…and does anyone know what time Marty’s Car Wash opens? The Chevelle needs a wax.)
1 comment:
PBA:
Have you ever accidentally left the TV on ESPN after Sportscenter in the morning and accidentally had to watch a couple frames of the professional bowling association that comes on afterwards? Fabulous! People love watching pins scatter hither and thither, and those cool wrist brace thingy's (which most MLB batters wear anyway!).
Idea -- On deep sacrifice flies to the outfield, a series of bowling pins rises from a secret trap door underneath the dirt in the diamond, and a series of pins magically appears in front of the intended tag-up base. In order to fully tag up, the player must knock down all the pins. People already identify fat pseudo-athletes with both bowling and baseball, so this is a no-brainer.
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