Monday, October 23, 2006

You Got To Know When To Hold It

There was a baseball game last night. A World Series game, in fact.

However, there was also an “incident”. An “occurence”. Something, that if true, could possibly sully the purity and virtue that is Baseball’s Fall Classic.

Anyone watching the game knows what we're talking about…Kenny Rogers pooped on his hand.

In fact, he's been doing it for years. The photo above shows that he did it in the ALCS this year (left panel), before doing it again last night (right panel). It is a strange and rare affliction. An offshoot of Alzheimer's (our medical experts tell us) and a sad underreported medical condition.

That is the only logical explanation for what happened. If he was attempting to cheat, why put the “substance” in a place so obvious to anyone with functioning sight? If he was attempting to cheat, why would the umps and Tony LaRussa not demand that the “substance” be examined instead of just washed-off. Know why? ‘Cuz the substance was poop. Who wants to examine that?

The only reason they had to talk about it after the game was because the cameras caught it. Everyone was embarrassed and had to come up with something other than the truth…in fact, if the media keeps pressing on this, we fully expect Kenny Rogers to admit to cheating…only to avoid having to admit that he pooped on his hand. Which would you choose?

C’mon Kenny…tell us the truth…you're not alone.

Oh by the way, the Tigers won the game.

Other famous people who suffer from the same affliction:

The real reason we invaded Iraq

Think Howie got beat legitimately by Kerry in the Iowa caucus? Think again.

Self-important attention whore? Nope. Brilliant PR gambit to deflect focus from the tragic truth. You think the night vision in that video was an accident?

You think any self respecting athlete nay the best passer in NFL history, would endorse Isotoner gloves ON PURPOSE? Hell no.


Kaiser said...

More evidence...
No Kenny, NO!! Don't...NO! Ewwwww....

Hops said...

Dan Marino is going to sue us for defaming him more than appearing in Ace Ventura ever could

Kaiser said...

Yeah, but Paris will probably reward us for de-sullying her good name.

crystal said...

I am so excited there is now proof that Paris Hilton is literally a skanky ho.

I can't believe Kenny ran out of toilet paper in the dugout and had to resort to this. It really is quite sad, and I wonder if everybody involved has already purchased economy size bottles of Purell.

Isotoner...priceless. You are good.

Tim said...

I would like to just commend the bravery, courage, and honesty of the TWT staff for bringing this issue to light. For too long, people have suffered in silent humilation, with poop on their hands.

When my grandmother was in her 80s and not doing so well she suffered from this same condition. I used to cringe in embarassment and disgust.

Now I am ashamed at my ignorance of this affliction. God bless you TWT, and god bless the work you are doing.

Hops said...

Poop-gate...Day 2

I heard an interesting theory on Dan (ass) Patrick's radio show yesterday. In very "magic bullet"-style, he proposed that Tony LaRussa didn't make a big deal out of it because Jim Leyland used to consult for the Cardinals and he knows the "inner workings" of the Cardinal pitching staff...which me be as unsanitary as Rogers'.

Who knew Moises Alou would turn out to be one of the cleaner MLB players?

Oh...and another NFL player tested positive for steroids with very little public outrage...while poop-gate continues to dominate the headlines. Which sport is America's favorite again?

Hops said...

I'm shocked, shocked I say, to see there's gambling going on in this establishment.

Kaiser said...

Nice Moises Alou reference. How come no one in the media has brought that one up yet?

Anonymous said...

I had no idea that poop hands were so prevalent in our society. I used to worry about using too many antibacterial products, thus rendering them ineffectual because the bacteria built up a resistance. But quite frankly, after this exposé on poop hands, I'm willing to take the risk.

Pooh said...

If you ain't cheatin you ain't tryin.