Friday, June 15, 2007

Hops' Corner of Negativity

Yeah, we won!

Like most of you, I was not looking forward to reading stories this morning about anemic offenses and lack of run support for the Greatest Lefty of All-Time. But, also like most of you, I felt that tremor of hope when Tubby Bubby Wickman was brought in to "close" the game. And I too rejoiced when Naked Catcher ended another ridiculous and exciting inning of slapping the ball around the infield. Really, I did. But after the Jubilee...did anyone else flashback to the 8th inning with a tilted, dog like look of confusion?

Wait…Jason Tyner pinch-hit for Jason Bartlett in the 8th inning?

First off…here’s a list of people I’d rather see pinch hit for Jason Bartlett:

1: Jeff Cirillo

2: The back-up, back-up catcher…I mean that’s why we have him on the roster, right? No? Oh…then why do we have him on the roster?

3: Bernardo Brito

4: Carlos Silva

5: Luis Rodriguez

6: Lew Ford (I just threw up a little)

In what universe is it logical to have a light, hitting back-up outfielder hit for your light-hitting starting shortstop? True, Bartlett has been struggling. But what could you write about Bartlett that you couldn’t copy/paste for Tyner?

No power? Check.
Low average? Check.
Speedy? Check…but you have to get a hit first.

Now…before I dig myself too deep into a lack-of-information hole, I need to remind our faithful readers that, as a bearded socialist, I have turned away from the soul-crushing, brain-washing, electric sex that is television. Consequently, all my live Twins info comes through the Gluek’s tinted glasses of The Dazzler and Gordo. So, if any of the above players were unavailable due to injury, sleep deprivation, or ‘cuz they suck donkey balls…I didn’t get the memo.

The point is…well, the point is what’s the point of having the roster like this? There’s not ONE bat on the bench you trust more than Jason Tyner? I LOVE Tyner as a back-up outfielder/pinch runner. My affinity for Jarvis Brown is well documented…and I’d welcome Jarvis Brown 2.0 on this team. BUT NOT AS A PINCH HITTER!

Not funny, Gardy. Not funny. That’s the kind of move that makes me start to wonder if you bet on the Braves last night. Too bad the other back-up catcher…the one who likes his junk a lot…ruined your night. Does that mean Ulger had to buy the pitcher of Hamm’s?

(And since we’re in this mood today…how excited are you, twenty years from now, at the new, new stadium to have our own Monument Park behind the outfield fence? I see Namesake there. I see the Fightin’ Canadian. Johizzy. Possibly Trever Plouffe.

And of course, The Jesus. But I see his monument being somewhere closer to second base. It’ll be cute, like the hill in center down in Houston.)

I love Bob Wickman. Go Twins. Scott Baker owns the Brewers.


Smitty said...

Why do you hate Gardy so much? Maybe it was a way to say, "Hey Bobby, check this out. We need runs, I'm comin with a pinch hitter with 0 career HR's at the Major League Level. We're still going to beat you. Suck it!".

Maybe that's what he was thinking. You don't know.

Cirillo would have made more sense though.

Hops said...

If you can promise me that at some point during that series that Gardy told Bobby Cox to "suck it", I'll retract the entire thing.

Smitty said...

Gardy was 3rd base coach in 1991. You know he knows the Braves hate the Dome. After Jack Morris went baseball immortality on dat ass. Gardy knows he's in Cox's head. Twins can do no wrong vs the Braves in the Dome.

That organization hasn't been the same. Oh sure they won a World Series and 13 straight division titles. But answer me this:

Did they win more World Series titles then us in the 90's?

How many games have the Braves won in the Dome?

I'm just sayin.