Tuesday, September 19, 2006

And now for something completely different...

....a segment we like to call: Jogging Diary (it'd be a Running Diary, but my knees don't work so well anymore, so I can't really run). More or less, this is probably what I'd say to Hops or Smitty if they happened to be sitting next to me watching this game, but now you dear reader have to suffer through it.

Event: Jogging Diary of Twins vs. Red Sox, Game 1
Date: Tuesday, September 19th (all times are CST)
Location: Comfy lime green couch in front of new 42" high-def plasma TV (aka. Nirvana)

6:00 pm -- Whoaaaaa Nelllllyyyyy!!! Welcome to casa de Kaiser where we're coming to you semi-live from my laptop computer. We're starting a key six game stretch on the road against Pooh's suffering squad, the Scarlet Stockings. Does anyone in Beantown care about this team right now since there are no more Yankees games on the schedule?
6:07 -- Top 1st: Cuddy takes a 79 mph fastball for strike three. Seriously, how crazy does a knuckle ball have to be to have a sub-80 mph fastball be an effective "counter pitch"? This guy is a carnival ride. He's the windmill in the minature golf course that is major league baseball.
6:16 -- Bottom 1st: Crisp lines out hard to Bartlett and mutters something under his breath. My best guess is a that he's doing some kind of furtive Bert Blyleven impression. Coco Crisp, Milton Bradley, and Boof Bonser. Best names in baseball and newspaper headline writer everywhere's best friends. Garza sails through the inning.
6:21 -- Commercial Break: I discover this article. I'm as shocked that the first transplant of this kind was attempted in China as seeing Torii Hunter take a first pitch strike. Ditto for Lew Ford seeing action in the playoffs.
6:24 -- Top 2nd: Morneau hits a lead-off double off the Green Monster. Taking notes east coast-biased sportswriters? Rondell White follows it up shortly thereafter with an RBI single off said Monster and P.T. Wakefield is struggling early. He then proceeds to throw two wild pitches, although one was technically a walk. The moral, as always: being Doug Mirabelli sucks ass. Is there any other person who is so typecast in baseball and has such a specific role? The only possible exception I can think of is Matthew Lecroix in his comic relief role as catcher. That gets the job done every time. Bartlett adds a three-run home run on another "sneaky" fastball. Piranha, my ass. I hope my running diary momentum doesn't run out.
6:46 -- The Burgundy Hosiery go down quickly in the second, and Garza is looking solid so far. I read somewhere today that he is getting something like 1.0 runs per inning in run support as a starter this year. Tummy Ache's getting like what...10 per game or something? Yeah, gimme the youngster for the post-season, Silva second half "resurgence" or not. Every game down the stretch magnifies every performance, and Silva still seems more trend than mirage to me at this point. Garza at least had the butterflies excuse to explain away the first couple starts.
6:49 -- Top 3rd: Morneau singles to right for his second hit. How many does Papi have tonight? I forget. I'm sure he'll read off his boxscore for the assembled media after the game though. As well as the box scores of all Yankee players except for Derek Jeter. Hunter with a two-run shot that is a line drive over the wall. Those seats above the Monster are dangerous tonight. Hope they have insurance up there. Or some seriously reinforced cupholders.
6:53 -- Hey hey! It's the Ron Coomer show! Coomer almost gets hit by a foul ball, boyishly asks Scotty Ulger for a glove on camera so he can defend himself, to which Bert replies, "We've seen you field Ron. You're probably better off without one." Coomer than goes on to explain how he had so much success hitting knuckleballers. I believe it had something to do with Schlitz Lite and an Armenian prostitute named Mena. But I may not have been paying full attention. Twins lead 6-0.
7:01 -- Garza cruising. 45 pitches. He's Corvette-like.
7:04 -- Seriously. Go read that article I linked to earlier. That's the funniest thing I've read in awhile. He lost his pediddly in "an unfortunate traumatic accident". My mind is racing with possibilities.
7:05 -- Top 4th: Loretta makes a nice play at second on Piranha #4. Tim Wakefield is really "showcasing" his spectacular Red Sox defense. Way to be a team player.
7:07 -- Wakefield is taken out after walking Piranha Punto. Good effort. Some call him....Tim.
7:08 -- MSNBC article update. It took a "15 hour microsurgery" to attach the unit. Sure, rub it in. The guy just went through an unspecified trauma for christ's sake!
7:10 -- I just saw the graphic of the Fenway park footprint on Gamecast (for stats, you know). Man that park has got some messed up shit going on. No wonder Torii hurt his ankle there last year. He probably got lost in the outfield looking for that fly ball. Baby Jesus grounds out to end the half-inning.
7:14 -- David Ortiz makes a case for Justin Morneau for MVP by striking out on a bad check swing, just after Bert makes a Garza and Ortiz comparison. Talk about bad karma. (they both once played in Ft. Meyers)(For the record, so have I)(but it was ultimate frisbee)
7:17 -- Matt Garza is a cruise missle.
7:21 -- M-V-P! M-V-P! Third hit for Morneau.
7:23 -- It's raining. Finish the inning! Finish the inning! Strike out Torii Hunter! I KNOW you can do it! Damn you Torii! (single to right) Is it good when I'm honestly debating whether it would be a good thing for Rondell White to tap into a double play on purpose right now? (and he tried, but Loretta f'ed it up)
7:30 -- Garza gives up a single that was drilled to center, and a line shot to left immediately after ,to lead off the inning. I don't like to be the kind of guy that cheers for an inning to be over and a game called because of rain but given the circumstances here at the end of the year, I can't really be blamed, right? Right? I thought Garza was cruising! I was going to call him the Royal Garza Caribbean and make jokes about food poisoning and getting lost at sea. (sob)
7:38 -- All right the good ship Garza only gives up one and the game is official. Now, where is Mark Walberg and that perfect storm?
7:39 -- More from MSNBC. The donated organ was from a 22-yr old brain-dead man. I guess he was thinking with his you-know-what too much. (bum bum bump) The appendage was 4 inches long. (insert own joke here)
7:49 -- Ortiz hits a foul ball 763 feet to oohs and ahs from the Fenway crowd before striking out to Garza. I feel Morneau for MVP momentum building. In the other race, Mauer is 1 for 4 and Jeter is apparently 0 for 2 elsewhere.
7:58 -- Garza strikes out two, but gives up a run and gets yanked. Probably for the best because the only other "cruise" references I can think of are Tom Cruise and Santa Cruz, and I can't figure out how to connect them to 22-yr old rookie pitcher Matt Garza. Good work, young man.
8:04 -- Back to the MSNBC article. It describes the wife's "psychological rejection" of the new...er, wang. Isn't that what they call "marriage"?
8:07 -- Morneau gets his fourth hit, and somewhere Bob Ryan is suddenly confused about who to vote for. Please reference earlier MVP conversation. Seriously, if JustinTimeToGetScrewedByTheNationalMedia gets his average to like .340 and the Twins win the division will he get serious consideration then? Hello? Hello? Is this mic on? Twins up 6-3 heading into the bottom of the 7th.
8:19 -- Detroit-White Sox update. The hated A.J. hits a grand slam to put the Sox up 4-0. As I said before, I'm all for two Pale Hoes victories in this series, so kudos to you sir. The always popular take-care-of-your-own-business-and-don't-worry-about-others conversation starts up in the broadcast booth. Love that one. Oh wait, no...it makes me want to vomit in my own trachiotomy hole.
8:26 -- Random thought: Does Ortiz need to do that spit-on-the-hands thing before he bats when it's downpouring?
8:27 -- Yes.
8:29 -- Rain, falling. Reyes, dominating lefties. Urge to write, fading.
8:33 -- (feigning interest)
8:38 -- Reyes gets a big double play but gets taken out after giving up a single. Call me crazy, but Reyes might end up being the biggest x-factor for the Twins in the playoffs, especially if they play the left-handed-batter-heavy Yankees (or A's for that matter). You heard it here first folks. Let's go Rincon.
8:46 -- Varitek is up as the tying run. That rain delay is seeming like a pretty good option right now. Punto with a HUGE catch on a foul out. Love that guy.
8:59 -- Speaking of loving that guy, Justin (MVP) M(VP)orneau (MVP) gets his 5th hit (MVP) and 3rd double (MVP) of the night for an insurance (MVP) run (MVP) in (MV(MVP)P) the (MVP) ninth (you get the idea). That would be 5 for 5 ladies and gentlemen. I love THAT guy.
9:10 -- Twins win. Twins win. Nathan gets a little work in in the ninth (striking out Ortiz to finish), Morneau is good, and I have a man crush on Nick Punto. Elsewhere, the defending world champs are winning, and we may be 1/2 game back in 20 minutes or so. Optimism flocks to Twinsland like the salmon of Capistrano.

All right, I've probably blathered on long enough, but I'm willing to call the debut of "Jogging Diary" Liriano-like in its early success and promise for the future. My speculations are sliders. My metaphors change-ups. My linking to MSNBC articles.....disturbing (ulnar ligament tears?). All kidding aside, Justin Morneau may have done himself good by having a huge ballgame in a slightly larger setting than the Minnesota Medialopolis. Like I said earlier, everything is magnified late in the season, and having huge games in key situations is a good way to get noticed. Taking the "Morneau for MVP" position would be just the kind of anti-stance that seems typical of many sportswriters. Come on Bob Ryan. Start writing that column.

Peace in the middle east.


Anonymous said...

"7:39 -- More from MSNBC. The donated organ was from a 22-yr old brain-dead man. I guess he was thinking with his you-know-what too much. (bum bum bump) The appendage was 4 inches long. (insert own joke here)"

Does the "grower vs. shower" thing still hold when Mr. Happy's attached to someone else?

When I started reading the article, the Detroit Cobras song "Hot Dog" came on The Current. It was oddly fitting. Or possibly ill-fitting and psychologically damaging, I'm not quite sure yet.

Silly me, I almost forgot what this was all about: I applaud the debut of the jogging diary.

Kaiser said...

Oh my, you're going to have to explain "grower vs. shower". I plead ignorance and a upper middle class suburban upbringing.

Anonymous said...

I think your never having heard the term has less to do with your upbringing (after all, I'm nothing but a farm girl) and more to do with your gender. It's probably not something guys say all that often, unless of course it describes them or they play for the other team.

Urban Dictionary defines it perfectly.

Kaiser said...

I still submit that a farm girl upbringing probably increases the odds of one having heard the "grower not a shower" maxim. But the gender thing definitely must play a part. I can think of several male equivalents.

The best word I can use to describe my feelings after finishing that article. Itchy. I think I'M now psychologically damaged.

Anonymous said...

Do you think the "phantom limb" phenomenon still applies when it's not a limb? Does he get a tingling in his phantom wang?

Dear God, why can't I let this go?

Hops said...

Margaret Cho taught me all about "grower not a shower", which got me through many a sleepless night