Thursday, April 17, 2008

TW(O) with boobs

I could spend a few sentences introducing you to our first-ever guest columnist, but instead please enjoy a video from her jr. high talent show:

Take it away, Crystal!

Saturdays with Santana (at Shea)

One of the first images I was greeted with upon arrival in New York last week was a city bus covered with a massive image of Johan Santana in orange and blue. (Seriously, who picks team colors of orange and blue? Even my favorite Venezuelan with his gorgeous caramel tones is hard pressed to pull off that color scheme.) It was a bit of a reality check, along with a mouthful of exhaust. He really is gone.

Lucky for me, though, the fates aligned. My second MLB outing of the year got me out of the baggie-topped Dome and into the equally doomed-to-rubble Shea Stadium to witness the matchups of Santana v. Sheets; Fielder v. peanuts and Cracker Jacks; Wright v. single women (and let’s be real, gay men) everywhere.

So what did I learn from our east cost brethren? Let’s see.
Does a 5-3 outing really warrant booing? Apparently so, if you are fans of a team that crashed and burned in historic proportions to miss the playoffs last year and wanted to welcome their new superstar with open arms. I mean, sure…he allowed three homeruns and botched a key play to hold a runner on third. But still. He’s so cute! New Yorkers really do kind of suck sometimes. (Just kidding, Derek Jeter New York! I love you! Call me!)

Drunk girls on stuffy local trains are never not funny. And if you ever run into Zoe the Mets Fan on the number 7, you’re in for a real treat. She’ll ask to marry you and tell you how hot her best friend’s boobs are…just be sure you get off the train before she starts turning splotchy and stops talking. I think that means vomit is forthcoming.

Shea Stadium’s last year is being commemorated with orange and blue metal beer bottles. WHERE IS THE LOVE, Metropolitan Sports Facilities Commission? Are you just going to let the Metrodome slip quietly into the night?

I’d like the DH abolished. It just adds a bit more spice to the game—it was really fun to watch Santana at bat (and to see his average go from .200 to .143 in a matter of innings), it makes each at bat (and non-pitcher batter) a bit more valuable, and it keeps Barry Bonds out of work. Discuss.
Prince Fielder running towards home plate to field a bunt is a sight to behold. Just picture that for a minute, please. Yep, I laughed.
I snuck into the new Mets stadium and buried a Nick Punto jersey in the outfield. Now where’s my story?

Milwaukee actually looks really good. I’m not sure what Bud has done behind the scenes to orchestrate what could be a turnaround for the ages, but I was impressed. This Sheets kid is pretty tremendous.

The attractiveness rating for the Mets declined roughly 61% with the loss of Carlos (C-Button, in these parts) Gomez and addition of Luis Castillo to the lineup. Just because I know you guys care about those things.

My east coast baseball tour continues this Saturday with a stop at Fenway for the Sox v. Texans. I’m excited to see Manny’s braids and weed rimmed eyes, Ortiz’s bedazzled accessories, and Papelbon’s crazy eyes and dancing legs up close and personal as well as continuing my ongoing investigation to determine whose hot dog reigns supreme (Fenway Frank, watch out…the Dome Dog is coming for you). Oh, and watch a little baseball, too.

All I really have to say, though, is this: thank god this didn’t come to pass. We’ve already suffered enough.


crystal said...

Just for the record, I'm the one with the blonde sideways bob cut. I just don't want you to get confused...I know it was a long time ago.

That said, damn I made good music.

Kaiser said...

Fabulous. Can we sign you up permanently? Seriously.

Hops said...

Where does Big Papi play if the DH is abolished?

Kaiser said...


He'd be known there as Big Papisan, the big round home-run mashing wicker chair.

crystal said...

I was going to say Japan, but never would have come up with a nickname as awesome as Big Papisan.

Can't he come play right field for the Twins? Gomez is fast enough, he'll just run over to make the plays.