Is That Eddie Guardado's Music?

So THIS is what other teams feel like.

If these late inning adventures continue...Johan's going to lose it.

Johan.....Johan Santana

Pat.....Pat Neshek

Joe.....Joe Nathan

[ open on a group of pitchers sitting near the post-game buffet]

[ pitchers makes a lot of noise with their forks and knives as the eat in disturbing silence ]

Johan: [ breaking silence ] How was the game today, Pat?

Pat: Fine.

Joe: Did you pitch well or were there problems? Like, maybe with a late home run?

Pat: No, I pitched well.

[ they continue to eat in silence, banging their knives and forks together as they eat ]

Johan: [ craving attention ] I had a.. funny thing happen last week. When I left the stadium, I had trouble unlocking my car. Then I realized I had the wrong set of keys.

Joe: Did somebody take your keys?

Johan: [ annoyed ] Can I finish the story? [ pauses in stern silence ] It turns out that I had accidentally taken Boof’s keys, and.. he had taken mine. We.. really had a long laugh.

Joe: Mmm, I thought that's who took them...

Johan: Will you ever let me finish a damn story?!

Joe: I-I just assumed that Boof’s -

Johan: I would love to finish one damn story!

Pat: Your stories are lame, Johan!

Johan: [ angry ] You do not talk to me like that!

Joe: Do not raise your voice!

Pat: Shut up!!

Johan: You do not talk to me like that!

Pat: I cannot believe -

Johan: I am a Cy Young Award winner!! That is very important!! That is very important!! You don't talk to me like that!! People are scared of me!!

Pat: Why would anybody be scared of you! I hate you, you big fat turd!

[ stunned, they continue to eat in awkward silence ]

Joe: I spoke with Juan Rincon this afternoon.

Pat: So?

Joe: I guess Juan’s really excited about the Kansas City game tomorrow night.

Pat: Oh, shut up, you twitchy bastard!

[ they return to silence ]

Johan: Did you pick up my dry cleaning?

Joe: Hmm, it's not ready until Thursday.

Johan: I thought you said it'd be ready today?

Joe: No, it's going to be ready Thursday.

Johan: You know, I have a big game tomorrow.

Joe: Well, I'm sorry.

Johan: I wish you weren't a liar!

Joe: I didn't lie, Johan.

Johan: I wish you weren't a liar!

Joe: I wish you wouldn't call me a liar!

Johan: Don't raise your voice at me!

Joe: I am not raising my voice!

Johan: You do not talk to me like that!! I work too hard to deal with this stuff!! I work too hard!! I'm a Cy Young Award winner!! I drive a Dodge Stratus!!

[ their screaming comes to an end, as the agonizing silence returns ]

Joe: Pat, do you want me to help you with your slider this weekend?

Pat: I wish you were dead!

[ awkward silence, a struggle for a normal conversion ]

Johan: I'm gonna take the car into the shop tomorrow.

Pat: You mean your lame Dodge Stratus?
Johan: You don't talk about my car that way!!

Joe: Dear Lord..

Johan: I drive a Dodge Stratus!! You don't talk about my Dodge Stratus that way!!

Pat: Shut up!

Johan: You do not talk to me that way!! I am a Cy Young Award Winner!! I can do 100 push-ups in twenty minutes!!

Pat: I'm going to Glen’s house! I hate you - both!

[ Pat storms out of the house ]

[ Johan grabs Pat's plate, and separates the food between he and Joe ]

Johan: This chicken is delicious.

Joe: It's a recipe from Lipton Cup-a-Soup.

[ fade out ]

(Obviously borrowed from this)