You Can’t Spell 162 and O without O-rioles

In homage to Pulling a Blyleven, or in copyright infringement, at least, we present to you an IM transcript of a typical conversation in the life of TWT co-founders Hops and Kaiser (Smitty is a Luddite and doesn't understand computers and typing and logic circuits). This conversation was in no way edited after the fact to insert funny comments we wish we had made at the time or to make our unintelligible utterances, sentence structure, and overuse of the parenthetical readeriffic. Enjoy.

Hops : So...I think I should do a short post today entitled, "Who knew Ramon Ortiz meant 'Shut Up Aaron Gleeman' in Spanish?"
Kaiser: I like it. Did you hear Dick calling him "RAY mone" last night?
Hops : No...remember, I'm a radio guy. I was realizing last night that it's the time of the year when Dan Gladden and John Gordon are 2nd and 3rd behind my wife in "people I spend the most time around"
Kaiser: I'm sure she appreciates the company.
Hops : I assume Dick and Bert were predicting Cy Young?
Kaiser: I pretty much filter them out at this point. I have noticed they're making an awful lot of fart jokes lately though.
Hops: Has that replaced "Circle Me Bert"? Fart On Me Bert?
Kaiser: Dick made some comment about Bert riding home with someone and how they would need to "crack a window".
Hops: Sounds like every family get together I've ever been to...gotta love the "folksy"
Kaiser: Apparently they're trying to be "folksy" with the hispanic crowd now. By the way, that raises serious questions for me about your upbringing.
Hops: (really worried about where this is going)
Kaiser: (rapidly changing subjects) I forgot that Ortiz pitched against us in the ALCS against the Angels.
Kaiser: I remember thinking he was really good.
Hops: I was 0-3...pretty nasty stuff.
Hops: It's great, this time of year. Everything that happened this week has replaced everything that happened in spring training...and will be replaced again next week. And it's all "definitive".
Hops: Reminds me of Kyle Lohse
Kaiser: With his unmatched potential?
Kaiser: Constant potential.
Kaiser: Neverending potential.
Kaiser: Potentially.
Hops: I just really love how baseball can reinvent itself so many times over the course of a long season. Optimism of spring is either affirmed or ruined by one start. Which is absurd but wonderful. Absurdaful.
Kaiser: Wonder-urd?
Kaiser: Speaking of optimism of spring....
Kaiser: ...did you see any of the good-omen-filled opener?
Hops: Nada...could you see Joe Mauer getting taller?
Kaiser: Santana K'd the first batter, went 1,2,3 in the first....
Kaiser: ....Morneau and Namesake went back-to-back -- opposite field no less -- and the piranhas gnashed their way to like 57 stolen bases.
Kaiser: And Rondell had like the greatest catch I've ever seen.
Kaiser: And has walked twice already this year.
Hops: weren't the stolen bases in game two? And is Luis Castillo finally allowed to be a Piranha now that he's awesome?
Kaiser: I think Castillo was always a Piranha. Only Ozzie knows for sure.
Hops: Do you realize how giddy you are right now?
Kaiser: It's called "cautious optimism" buddy.
Hops: Why cautious? Throw caution into the artificially generated Metrodome wind. Particularly if Kent Hrbek is batting…it’ll go farther.
Kaiser: As members of the blogosphere, it's our duty to remain objective at all times and not get giddy about short-term trends.
Kaiser: So that we may evaluate them fairly and honestly.
Kaiser: And then make fart jokes.
Hops: Please never again call me a member of the blogosphere. We have, like, three readers.
Kaiser: Good point.
Hops: Why is there an off-day already?
Kaiser: Well, almost everyone else had one the day after the opener.
Hops: I'm just angry that I'm finally back and it's already get-a-way day. I say "let them play"
Kaiser: Not baseball's fault. I "feel really bad for you" that you are in this "predicament" because you were in Spain on vacation all last week.
Kaiser: No, "really". "I do."
Hops: This is kinda funny...we took the light rail home from the airport...and ended up at the Dome stop around 6:40 on Tuesday night...except that my body thought that it was 1:00am...which I still ignored and gave serious thought to asking my wife if she wouldn't mind taking the luggage home by herself so I could catch a bit of the game.
Hops: The really funny part? She was thinking the same thing.
Kaiser: That's what you call "marrying the right person".
Kaiser: (quotation marks not meant to denote sarcasm this time)
Hops: good save
Kaiser: Thanks.
Hops: We need to quantify and catalogue the phenomenon of lowered expectations with this team
Hops: I know Mauer won the batting title and is only getting bigger (pun)...but why isn't the Fightin' Canadian more prominent in the MLB marketing campaign this year? I see Ryan Howard everywhere.
Kaiser: Yeah, that's weird. Johan doesn't get much national time either.
Hops: No...vehemently disagree with that one. Everyone recognizes him as the best pitcher in baseball
Kaiser: I agree with that, but his awesomeness is just kind of a given. He’s so good he’s boring. Schilling gets WAY more discussion on a national level.
Hops: that's because he's annoying
Kaiser: Or Daisuke.
Kaiser: Who gives a crap if he can throw the gyroball?
Hops: hitters
Hops: and baby sheep
Kaiser: At best it moves like an inch.
Kaiser: I liked it better the first time when it was called a cut fastball.
Hops: Which you don't think is an important pitch? I think you're baiting me to make this more interesting. An inch is HUGE, understand. It's important to me that we all believe that an inch is HUGE. Okay?
Kaiser: Don't make me get out my yardstick.
Kaiser: It's not about the pitch. It's about the "phenomenom" of the pitch.
Kaiser: LIke's it's SO innovative.
Hops: The Gyroball (can we all agree to pronounce it "year-o"?
Kaiser: Only if it comes with extra tzatsiki.
Hops: What's more impressive is that fact that he can apparently throw six different pitches for strikes. And that his arm is apparently made of titanium. If he's successful, he could really change the way American coaches treat their pitching staff.
Hops: More innings, less babying
Hops: like old time hockey
Kaiser: That idea I like.
Kaiser: There is an obvious Japanese car maker joke here that we're missing. We could make that some kind of reader contest….if we had any.
Hops: He's pitching today, right? Afternoon game, I assume. I hope he throws all gyroballs and then flicks off the opposing batter every time he strikes them out
Kaiser: Think so. I hope he has a sharpie on him and everytime he strikes someone out with the gyroball he signs it and gives it to them.
Kaiser: Hey, I don’t know if you realized it, but apparently "Boof" sounds a lot like "BOOOOooOOoo!!!!!"?
Hops: They're not booing...they're boofing. Should I be sad that I really don’t miss Lew Ford at all?
Kaiser: Yes, I made that joke (along with 70% of the metrodome crowd) Tuesday when I was at the game.
Kaiser: And then in the 4th inning, after the Orioles got a home run, an absolutely blasted double, and a walk to Tejada to lead off the inning, I think people actually were booing.
Kaiser: Or boofing. If that’s slang for the sound vomit makes when it hits concrete.
Kaiser: I'll be here all week folks.
Hops: Stupid name. Solid pitcher. I have no worries about Boof.
Kaiser: He sounds like a surfer. Heard him interviewed?
Hops: probably...but why?
Kaiser: His name is SO appropriate. He is definitely a Boof. Perfect name.
Kaiser: Like if Johan was called "Sit Down Bitch".
Kaiser: Or Lecroy "Donut Please".
Hops: What would Mauer's be? "Vaginoplasty?"
Kaiser: Ouch.
Kaiser: You're way too hard on Mauer.
Hops: Yep. But he's the anti-Gilbert Arenas. Or, closer to home, The Namesake. He's so deep into his cocoon that it's hard to get interested in anything he does.
Hops: Someone's going to need to be vocal and lead the team when Torii's gone. I don't think it's going to be Baby Jesus. Most boring superstar around.
Kaiser: Alexi Casilla?
Hops: I think Morneau could be really great if he sticks around. I can totally see him turning into Hrbek. Cuddyer?
Kaiser: Cuddy, yes.
Kaiser: He's cute AND cuddly.
Kaiser: Like Teddy Ruxpin.

Hops: And drove in and scored 100 runs last year. Which was lost in all the (well-deserved) hubbub surrounding MVP, Cy-Young, batting champ.
Kaiser: Big time. Starting off nicely too. Good night last night before he knocked himself out of the game.
Hops: Yeah, heard that. I'd still rather see Morneau in the four-spot...but he's doing so well where he is, why move him right? I'm fine with that.
Kaiser: I LOVE the order right now. Except Bartlett and Punto might have to be swapped soon.
Hops: Punto's clearly the key...you may have to bump him down a bit…like to Rochester.
Kaiser: He's one guy that Gleeman has been right about.
Kaiser: Too many strikeouts right now -- back to bad old habits.
Hops: And this comes back 'round to my point about how "definitive" things are week-to-week in baseball. It's been three games!
Kaiser: True. Good point.
Kaiser: He IS leading the team in hissy fits right now though...which is nice.
Kaiser: But to your previous (Mauer-related) point, at least it's emotion.
Hops: That's actually a category in my fantasy baseball league
Hops: I have A-Rod
Kaiser: Nice.
Kaiser: I heard he has an unbelievable HPS.
Hops: HPS?
Kaiser: Yep. Hissy Fits Plus Slugging? It’s in Moneyball…near the back.
Hops: 162-0
Kaiser: You can't go 162-0 without winning the first three.