Open Sesame

It's opening day for the Twins! And some of the TWT staff is headed down to Humbert H. Humphrey Snow Globe for the game (and the return of Namesake). I'm bringing my notepad, and expecting mostly to write about the ridiculous things that Carlos Gomez says and does, which I anticipate to be the focus of a lot of my attention and blogging this season. Apparently his outfield cohort agrees...

"Everything about him makes me laugh," said right fielder Michael Cuddyer. "Especially just how fast he is. He beats out everything."

Justin Morneau agrees too...

Ask a Twin about Gomez this spring, and the response would be a head shake and a giggle. When Justin Morneau stopped laughing, he said: "He is one of a kind. In so many ways. He can absolutely fly. He's the kind of athlete who comes along very rarely, with that speed and also having power.

I'm not sure exactly what kind of omen or metaphor it is that we will get somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 inches of snow today too...more gilded finger-tipped folks than me are required for that. But it is also little bit ridiculous and I'll take that as a good sign for the guy who craps lightning. Typical pre-season predictions are a bit tiresome...do you really care who finishes third or fourth in the National League Southeast Division? Instead, I offer you these slightly more specific predictions for our new 6-tool (the usual 5, plus he is a bit of one) center fielder:

I predict he will steal 7 bases tonight, including two inappropriately while playing defense, and will slide into the left fielder on one after missing the bag. He will unquestionably be the first to get to his defensive position while running out at the beginning of the game, narrowly beating Gardy during his trek from the clubhouse to his seat in the clubhouse. He will strike out three times by a combined seven feet of bat-to-ball space. He will lose one ball in the baseball-colored dome and have it Jose Canseco him in the head, whereupon he will still pick it up and gun the guy out at second. He will beat out a routine ball to short to go 1 for 4, and forget three teammates names during a post-game press conference, including himself as he tries to refer to himself in the third person.

And I will love every bit of it. Commence giggling...

SSHHH...

...daddy's busy.

You Can Do Nothing, You Can Do Something...

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

All along, we thought all we were trying to replace was Torii Hunter…but we forgot we also have another outfielder we need to replace…Sweet Lew Ford. And with quotes like this:

"They don't have no speed like me. I know I can help this team. Especially when I hit ahead of Morneau and the catcher and the other guy.'"

I think we’ve found our guy

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

Joe Mauer, love him or hate him, is the most boring human on the planet. Tied for #2? All Canadians. And I love magic tricks just as much as the next four year old, but I’m worried that if Cuddy’s the most interesting guy on this team, Bert Blyleven might go crazy and start swearing on live television.

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

I won’t spend a lot of time ranting about this today…but my favorite team is cheap. Super cheap. I bet Jim Pohlad’s the kind of guy who goes out to dinner with friends, drinks four beers, leaves early, throws $10 on the table and says,“That should cover me”. Jerk. So, don’t you, like, at least have to TRY to entertain us a bit? The kid’s going to make LOTS of mistakes in centerfield…but, Christ, it’s the Metrodome. Willie Mays would look silly for a game or two.

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

His ability to shit lightning isn’t something you see every day.

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

It will make Tony Oliva happy…and I think that’s something we can all get on board with.


The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

You traded Johan Santana. You let Torii go. You signed TWO Houston Astros and neither of them is named Lance Berkman. Nick Punto is still on the team. You snowballed the city into giving you MILLIONS of dollars. Throw us a frickin’ bone here.

The Twins have to give Carlos Gomez the job as starting centerfielder.

Suckers!

The Cardinals have reached a preliminary agreement with Kyle Lohse for one year and 4.25 million dollars.

An actual quote from the Cardinals GM:
"If it were a perfect world, we wouldn't have had to go down this path," Mozeliak said. "But it's not and we're going to need someone to pitch every fifth day."

That kind of support would DEFINITELY make me excited to start a new job. I'd like to imagine that when the Cardinals first called his agent, he asked for something like three years, 21 million...and the Cardinals hung-up.

In related news...I'm attending a Cardinals game in St. Louis on April 5th...and now dreading the possibility of having to watch Kyle Lohse pitch again.

At least this ALMOST makes us even for the Tom Herr debacle.

The Pit of Despair

In honor of Reusse's extreme pessimism today…I bring you the happy side of baseball: That players routinely get to put their hoohoodilly’s in some seriously nice cha-chas.


Clay Bucholz dating a penthouse pet, who has been approved by his father:
“It doesn’t surprsie me any,” said Clay’s dad. “Last year up in Boston he was dating a Victoria’s Secret model, so he’s moving up the ladder . . . . I mean, he’s got pretty good taste.”



In related news…Scott Spiezio has a tattoo of some hot action on his arm. Oh…and it’s his wife.

Keep hoping Casey Daigle makes the team...

C’mon Baby Jesus…time to get back on that horse. How about looking up this lovely lady the next time you’re in NYC…maybe Johizzy can get you her number?



Why Miguel Tejada really does steroids

Another reason to hate the Yankees

Why would Jose Lima ever close his eyes?

At least Nick Punto is good at something


And there’s always the whore from before

There must be plenty more…any favorites?

Norman....hellooo

I'm going to assume that most have heard of the newest addition to the Yankee lineup. I guess the Yankees were upset that they lost out on Ponson and turned to the next best option. I'm sure I shouldn't care about this and I'm sure it's just another way for the Yankees to stay "at the top" of the news ticker on ESPN, ESPN2 through ESPNU. But really? I know that our current culture is obsessed with everything Hollywood....what isn't Brittney wearing these days, how many noses does Michael Jackson keep in his wallet, who would win in a triple threat cage match: Jack Bauer, Tom Cruise or God. Heck, we even put more clout in the political opinions of celebrities over, well, politicians (this point is debatable depending on which politician is speaking of course. I take David Arquette over some). ET Tu When Harry Met Sally guy? Billy, that's why they have fantasy baseball camp. I like that a reporter actually had to ask Joe Girardi what position Billy was going to play and Joe had to answer! Don't get me wrong, I'm all for celebrities using their status to raise money for a foundation or a cause, but getting a chance to play with the Yankees as a birthday gift? And really Joe, has Billy Crystal done that much for the Yankee organization? Billy Crystal. Has helped the Yankees. Alot. Really. No, really. I guess I forgot how he helped saved the organization when it was in trouble. My bad. Hey Joe, check your local City Slickers DVD and tell me what New York team he is wearing in that movie. Whoops.

Side note - best thing about the ESPN article is they list other celebs that have played in spring training. Tom Selleck played with the Tigers, pinch hit for Rob Deer, and struck out. Funny, didn't realize Tom Selleck was a method actor. Nice work.

Memories

Quick one today kids. In They-Used-To-Be-One-Of-Us news, Christian Guzman hit a pair of home runs this weekend, one from each side of the plate. That is wrong on so many levels. And (for some reason) the Rangers signed our old rotund, Caribbean friend....discuss.

Also, if you didn't catch this in the comments of the last post, Carlos Gomez is still amusing. I think he's ahead in the imaginary mind race in Gardy's head to start at center field. This is an interesting look at it from Span's side. Almost enough to make me feel bad for him, but he needs to come up with at least Gomez-like personality quirk to stem the tide. Maybe referring to himself in the third person or ironing himself or something...

Update: Whoops, maybe I spoke to0 soon:
"Gomez ran into his own bunt for an out in the first inning. He didn't realize he was out until after he got back in the batter's box." (link here)

Preen-season Baseball

I'm getting officially excite bike about the 2008 baseball season which is A MERE # AND A !/@ WEEKS AWAY (that'd read "3 and a 1/2" if I wasn't too excited to turn the caps lock off). I always have difficulty during this part of the season which is really not part of the season but maybe it is a teeny bit because I feel the drive to read every blog post and report and snippet and bottom-of-the-notebook item trying to fill the void, while simultaneously my brain tells me that these games and performances don't count yet so don't read too much into them. I try to sift through every 1 inning pitching performance to detect if F-bomb's elbow is coming apart at the seams and look at Baby Jesus' .500 batting average with skeptical eye-batting over the top of my reading glasses (sorry, that wasn't meant for you attrative waitress gal) , all the while a tiny little butterfly of hope is stirring somewhere in my gut. Three things that get me a little twittery in the loins...the baseball loins, that is.

* The return of F-Bomb*
You got to love looking atvideo like this (via Gleeman). Somewhat hard to tell from this, but apparently Francisco has gained like 30 pounds during his extended rehab stint. I guess there's not a lot to do back at home except lift weights. Or maybe he was on the Daunte Culpepper strip-mall gym rehab plan. Or maybe, just maybe, Liriano's agent came to a super secret agreement with Boof Bonser (he's small now) who suspiciously just happened to lose the exact same amount of weight during the exact same offseason! Apparently Tommy John is code for "liposuction transfer surgery"?

*The ridiculousness of Carlos Gomez*
I haven't seen too much of this kid yet (zero, actually), but apparently he is crazy fast. I have to say, there is not much better in the world of sports for me than watching ridiculously fast guys. It's always been a literal fascination, and apparently this kid is the real deal on those terms. I also hear that his batting style roughly resembles that of an overly sugared 11-year-old boy trying to kill horseflies with a 34 oz Louisville Slugger. Like worse than early Torii. I'm sure it'll get REAL frustrating after awhile (especially if he's leading off), but it's going to be pretty damn funny in the interim. I love that honeymoon period. Lastly, you gotta love stuff like this. "A key figure in the Johan Santana trade, he is convinced he is about to become an impact player with the Twins. 'Sure!' he said the other day. 'They don't have no speed like me. I know I can help this team. Especially when I hit ahead of Morneau and the catcher and the other guy.'" Are you serious? He says things like this!? Unbelievably ridiculous. Unbelievably awesome. And we thought Delmon Young was going to be the one with possible character issues? Speaking of Delmon...

*A bit more mash-happy lineup this year?*
I'm excited for the possible emergence of Delmon, no longer just the Jamaican answer to "What kind of laptop is that?" anymore (sorry, couldn't help myself). I'm also excited, and maybe this is one of the side-effects of a so-so year last year, for the re-emergence of the catcher, the Morneau, and yes, the other guy (Cuddy, although Gomez might have meant Delmon?). Taken as a whole, I don't know if the entire lineup is necessarily a significant upgrade over last year or two years ago (that would be tough), but I speculate that it will be. Let's put it this way...given the suspect nature of our pitching staff at this point, it better be. I just get a sneaky little feeling that this is going to be the most home-run heavy Twins team of recent memory. Yeah, yeah, yeahs...I know the bar is REAL low and I'm not really going out on a limb there, but I'm just saying that we could see a fair bit of mashing and that is flat-out fun to watch. Lock-down pitching is cool in kind of a slow and steady defense and rebounding way, but the acute joy of a game-turning home run can't be matched. It's like a tomahawk dunk only...you know...with a bat. And the ball is smaller.

Can't wait for Tuesdays in the home run porch...

The Post That Only David Ortiz Loves

The battle for DH…from the perspective of a selection of candidate body parts:


Jason Kubel’s knees ;

We know, we know…you think this is going to be a biased, unfair look at the “talent” of Jason Kubel. Well, guess what Ponch…you’d be wrong. You think just ‘cuz we’re attached to him we’d be in favor of him getting the job? Forget that, Junior…we’ve had enough. That’s right, we quit. And if you don’t think we’re serious, Tiger, just try trotting him out there for ONE more inning. It won’t take us long to prove to you, Sunshine, that we are NOT kidding around here. Seriously.



Craig Monroe’s hamstrings, calves, thighs, and pinky toes;

(giggling)Really? (giggling) The Twins signed (giggling), a former Tiger outfielder (giggling) with a history (giggling) of leg problems (giggling) to play in the Metrodome (intense giggling) AFTER (giggling) spending the last two years (giggling) “waiting” for Rondell White (giggling) to get healthy (hahahahahahahahahahahaha).





Garret Jones' third and fourth nipples;

We're out of options...see you in Minnesota, suckers!






Lew Ford’s harelip;

Hey…Japan can’t be that far from MN, right? I can be there in a flash! (Literally…I assume we’ll teleport)

I don't feel tardy

Welcome back, F-Bomb
Yes…we can officially talk about him again.

And, in honor of the first radio broadcast of the year today, a quick reminder to Dan Gladden that he is the RADIO broadcaster. That means your listeners (there’s a hint right there) can’t SEE the play. Please try and describe the action with a bit more clarity than you’re known for. I’m well aware that you and John Gordon are drunk while calling the games, but, with very few exceptions, doing something drunk should mean you’re doing it better.

Instead of screaming “OOOOHHHHH” and moving on without telling us what happened; say “Player X had a most excellent slide into third base, and, consequently, has been awarded said position”.

Instead of “The pitch…swing and the ball is…the outfielder is coming in to make the catch…home-run.”…try, “That ball is hit a long way…it has a chance…the centerfielder goes back to the wall…GONE! A Home Run!” Remember, watch the fielder, not the ball.

Instead of “Swing…ball…oh my god…throws to third…the ball is loose…gets away…safe!” …try, “Gordo, please get your hand off my thigh.”.

Instead of “Buy Gluek’s beer” …just shut your hole.

Wow…three days in a row of posting! Must be hockey season. (Nice trade…Oglethorpe wasn’t available?)

From the Webmaster

We all wear a lot of hats here at TWT, and I'm not talking about the collection of Dairy Queen Hat Day ones Smitty has in his closet (next to his 83 game-worn Barry Sander's OSU jerseys). One of mine is webmaster, and I am (back) here at TWT to let you know about some formatting changes. Not to worry loyalists, nothing major.

TWT Brain Trust and Managerial Staff at Company Picnic 2007
First and foremost, the tragic (and necessary) departure of Namesake has caused us to (slightly) change the name of this hallowed website, as you will notice at the top of the page. Our URL, however, will not change in order to preserve links to said URL on other pages in the internets that we have no control over. Such is life and internets.

Secondly, we are no longer campaigning openly for Terry Ryan for president in 2007, as will be noticed visually by the removal of his campaign button from the sidebar. The staff here at TWT has learned that the presidential election is actually THIS year...and furthermore, that legendary GMs do not generally run for public office. Our mistake. We figured that the A.J. deal to San Fran was roughly the equivalent of 10 years of military service in terms of political capital, but apparently we were mistaken. We reserve the right to put Bill Smith on a button in the future, but seeing as how we probably couldn't pick him out of a crowd right now, the name (and face) recognition might be lacking.

Thirdly, although our acceptance process is rigorous (ie. randomly running across them on the internets) we have added a couple of new promising blogs to the reading list on the sidebar.
-That's right....it's a real Royals Blog. And not about suicide methodology.
-Walk-off Walk (Funny title, but still not as funny as the Onion article a month or so back about Derek Jeter leading the league in Walk-off Intangibles)

Lastly, I for one am considering a change, or at least a streamlining, of my personal fan philosophy for this year's 2008 Minnesota Twins. And as a result, am looking forward to this season probably more than even last year's (eventually meh) version. My fandom has always been a curious mix of roots in personal childhood nostalgia (fond '87 and '91 memories through the rosy lens of kid-dom), communal glory and misery (high-fiving and catharsis with friends), and plain aesthetic appeal (Canadian- and namesake-jacks and Johan sitting bitches) and stood somewhat paradoxically against my backlash against blind provincialism and non-liberated fandom (being a die-hard for the sake of being a die-hard, and/or just because I happen to live in Minny). A season like 2006 is the kind that gets you reinvigorated on a very visceral level -- I mean, how many times do you have a second-half comeback like that, not to mention crown a batting champ, an MVP, and a Cy Young winner. It was easy to be a fan that season. But every season can't be like that, so what do you hold onto in the leaner years? For me, although what exactly constitutes the "right way" to play baseball or run a front office can be debated, I have felt that the Twins philosophy has been spot on and I have been a fan of both that style and their resilience in sticking to it. It's not always the sexiest thing...in fact, the waters are murky as the Mississippi sometimes when trying to assess "success" of a trade/roster move/lineup change/insert random baseball move that can be nitpicked to death. And trying to assess the "success" of a philosophy itself is even worse. In a grey world (and in my opinion, baseball is very grey), the ultimate assessment is not always wins and losses -- especially when the playing field is propped up in one corner by the YES network and Ted Turner's gargantuan head in another (which is to say, uneven). But at least it is something to hang onto during reloading years, and a connection to the team in a slightly deeper way than just sharing a zip code with them. Their philosophy of buy low, sell high (or at least medium), build from within, be better at player assessment than everyone else, may not be Right in the universal sense (Truth with a capital T), but it befits my own (overly analytical) personality in a way that provides an additional personal connection. And that is something I can invest in. Because if they are rewarded for careful analysis and diligent due...er, dilligence...than maybe I will be in real life too by utilizing the same methods and life will be worth...you know, living. And maybe I'll get rich or something.

So to recap.... Carlos Gomez becoming an All-Star = Kaiser financial freedom = excited about the 2008 season.

Someone Should Probably Stand Behind Second Base

A TWT scouting report on the three leading candidates to replace our favorite former Twin:


11 Jason Pridie
L/R
6-1
190
10/09/83



Little known fact…no one actually knows how to pronounce Jason Pridie’s name. This confusion has lead to the unusual situation where there have actually been five Jason Pridie’s over the last decade…all pretending to be THIS Jason Pridie. While at first an urban legend, this situation has become so well known that saying “The Pridie’s” is MLB's version of "The Aristocrats". Every player has their own story about their encounter with the Pridie’s…each more disgusting than the last. An excerpt from Michael Cuddyer’s:

…and this little guy comes up to me to shake my hand…and he’s COVERED in Cambodian Breast Milk…I mean, absolutely drenched. I ask him what his deal is, and he says, “My pinkie toes smell like pickled herring…you try”. I’m completely stunned and have no idea what to say…as I’m walking away, shaking my head, he yells “I wear donkey shit underwear…make that disappear, Magic Man”.

Despite this, he seems to really read the ball well off the bat...a key if you're going to play in the Dome.




2 Denard Span
L/L
6-0
195
02/27/84


Despite being the heir apparent to Torii Hunter the last three years, Span has yet to prove himself capable of doing anything other than not playing baseball very well. He even briefly tried adding additional, useless vowels to his name…spelling it Denaard for most of 2005. With his mentor gone, he’s been trying to ingratiate himself with other teammates this year…even going so far as to learn Canadian in an effort to get Justin Morneau to take him under his wing. That proved easier than expected, with Justin and Denard becoming fast friends and seen hanging out in Fort Meyers, drinking Molson and eating copious amounts of moose meat. Their unlikely partnership has even spawned it’s own hilarious, buddy-cop-show nickname…The MVP and The Guy Who Should Never Have Been Drafted. (I picture Paul Walker and Gary Coleman in the lead roles...someone get my agent on the phone!)




22 Carlos Gomez
R/R
6-4
195
12/04/85

Carlos Gomez, when out with teammates, has been known to order a beer, throw-it down in one drink, and precede to eat the bottle. That’s right, Carlos Gomez eats glass. And shits lightning. He is so fast that he can turn out the lights in Joe Mauer’s bedroom and already be in bed with Joe’s mother by the time it gets dark. That’s fast!


He’s also 23 years old. And Dominican. Which means he’s actually 26 years old and knows that if he doesn’t make it as a Major Leaguer this year, all the 14 year-old prospects back home will call him a pussy. But probably in Spanish.

When told he was being traded for Johan Santana, owner of the league’s best change-up, Carlos replied, “Slow pitches are okay for Venezuela…but in the Dominican, if a pitcher throws slower than 95 mph we make him attend his next cock-fight naked while holding a fifty pound bag of sunflower seeds”





Okay...so I’m not “officially” a scout or coach for the Twins…but I’d pick the guy bangin’ Joe Mauer’s mom.

Joe Mauer vacuums his lady bits

Won't disclose the surgery, huh? Something in his back? Let's not kid ourselves.

The Sex Tornado?

Do we have a nickname for Delmon yet?

Be Careful What You Wish For

For the last two years, the general hue and cry from Twindom has gone something like this, “Jesus Christ, trade some of those young pitchers for someone who can hit!”.

And, I don’t mean to speak for the masses here, but I believe the call was for someone who hit with his man bits and not with his vagina.


Well…it’s morning in Minnesota, and Bill Smith’s reply to our call was “Why don’t you shove Carlos Gomez up your ass. Small Market's in the HOUSE”.

We’ve not only traded one of best young pitchers (a trade I kinda love), but we’ve now managed to make Boof Bonser our 2008 Opening Day Starter. Whoops!


Can you tell I’m mad? I mean, can you really tell? How about this…watch this clip and then you’ll probably understand. I’ve never been to Turkey, but I’m seriously thinking about going.


Let me be clear…I LIKE the Matt Garza trade. I LIKE the prospect of Delmon Young hitting the ball all over Carl Pohlad Memorial Stadium. I wasn’t mad when we traded Luis Castillo and I believe NOT paying Torii Hunter 90 million dollars, even though it made this website’s name obsolete, was the RIGHT thing to do.

But don’t those moves highlight in big, glowing, Joe Mauer-pink neon the absolute NECESSITY of re-signing Johan Santana???

Here’s what every Twins fan should be asking this morning…”What’s the fucking plan, Mr. Smith?”

Are we really to believe this team is ready to compete for a title now? And, assuming the answer is “No fucking way”, when will we be competing? Are we waiting for Justin Morneau to be MORE in his prime? Am I missing a BEVY of young players in the minors that are two-three years away that are going to make all the difference?

This feels like a move that is two days late and 25 million dollars short. If the team was willing to part with Garza, why not last year or the year before when a trade would have produced a hitter that could have helped us get over “the hump”? If we’re re-building, then why not trade Joe Nathan at last year’s deadline for young players? And, most mind-numbingly important of all, if you were willing to give Johan 4 years at 20 million…why not five? Or how about four years at 25 million? Jesus. Mary. Joseph.

So...What’s the fucking plan, Mr. Smith? More moves to come? Trading Nathan at this year's deadline?

Until this becomes more clear to me, I’m sorry, but I am forced to give you a special, mandatory TWT nickname.

We’ve officially gone from The Quiet Genius to a Man-Lady named Phuck.




(By the way…in all seriousness…I can’t wait for the season to start. Go Twins!)

(Oh…and this was supposed to be a Farewell Johan post. Well fuck that…but my favorite Johan memory is probably the duel with Curt Schilling when he struck out six of the first seven hitters )

(Or maybe it was win he gave up a MONSTER home run to Big Papi in the World Classic )

(One more time)

Pay that man his money

Eric Gagne signed for 10 million. Dollars.


Just give him the fucking money already, Bill.

Angels and Giants: Part 2

(Editor's Note: Part 1 of this post can be found here)




But meanwhile, the MN Twins PR staff is furiously scribbling away on notepads at a secret location in Twins Territory, concocting a brand new "Get To Know 'Em" storyboard for 11-trillion time gold-glover Torii Hunter's replacement. Whoever that may be. Will it be Denard, who's career spans (pun) the distance between his draft day and a series of recent minor league notebooks describing his ill readiness to play on the next level? Ugh. Will it be Cleveland-via-Boston's diminutive center fielder Count Chocula? Double Ugh.

My personal history with Torii as a fan is nowhere near as intricate as the one I just laid out for KG. Like (or because of) baseball, Torii was an acquired taste. They are the beets and brussel sprouts of my fandom. But I don't blame namesake for that -- in fact, in relative terms, the seal of approval I bestowed on Torii came quicker than most. His game, at least offensively, was never as complete as KG's, and his swing-hard-and-often approach was a constant frustration early on, and I suspiciously felt, some terribly stupid master plan concocted with fellow Soul Patroller Jacque Jones to drive me insane. Mission accomplished. The defense though...ah, the defense. There was never a question about that, and my head swelled with pride when Torii robbed Barry (whose head was quite large too -- maybe he was swollen with pride also?) during that All-Star game. There is something so comforting/awesome about never doubting whether a tough play would be made out there in center field when the ball left the bat of an opposing hitter and sailed in that direction -- the mental equivalent of shooting a basketball and leaving your hand in the air cuz you KNOW it's going in. But now Torii has moved on to a greener...well, greyer and redder I suppose...pasture and his electric smile is, dare I say, a kilowatt or two more electric than recent memory serves. And once again (as with KG), I feel happy for him as a semi-liberated (I am both beholden to my home-town team and not) fan. No bad feelings. And given my previous adulation and unofficial campaign manager status regarding Terry Ryan, it's probably not suprising that there are no hard feelings for management either. Simple facts is facts -- and the facts is that we couldn't afford to pay for Torii to stay. We got to $45 million and the Angels bid TWICE that. How can you compete? Even if Scrooge McPohlad shovelled another few spadefuls of cash off that money pile he swims in and tossed them in Torii's direction, I feel confident in saying that we never would have sniffed a return of Hunter to centerfield in Minnesota. It's just not how we roll...and frankly, I don't have a problem with that. I won't be cheering for the Angels, but I will be keeping tabs on the namesake. Good luck sir.

You will be missed in Section 108 on half-price homerun porch Tuesdays...and Tuesdays With Torii as well.

All the Good Things and the Bad Things That May Be

Way too early to react to this activity. Especially with more, apparently, to come.

Here's what the TWT boys have been aruging about today:

Are the Twins rebuilding or contending in 2008? I am firmly on the side of "If we're not f'ing contending now, then how will we ever be?". Smitty appears to be more in the "Buy low, sell high...we're building for the future" camp. While Kaiser has positioned himself in the "Yeah, the Celtics are really good" bandwagon.

You can argue all day about what the hell new GM Bill Smith is doing...but we won't really know until Santana is either traded or signed. So, for now, we'll be concentrating on justifying the name of this blog and stroking Kevin Garnett ever so gently (that's how he likes it).

In the meantime; Here are my suggestions for identifying current and potential Twins players: (handy for both fans and Gardenhire's alike!)

Joe Mauer: He's the one with the halo, sideburns, and cheese dripping down his chin

Justin Morneau: He's the one wearing a tattered "2006 MVP" tee-shirt, with a bottle of Jeri Curl sticking out of his hockey bag

Delmon Young: He'll be the one with the heavy winter coat listening to Gardy talk about how important it is to "go with the pitch...the home runs will come".

Johan Santana: Don't look for him. It was all a dream. He never actually existed.

Brendan Harris: I assume he looks exactly like Jason Bartlett.

Melky Cabrera: He'll be the one with the EXTREMELY disappointed look on his face.

Scott Baker: He looks like he's twelve and he should be wearing a "Fuck You, Matt Garza" tee-shirt.

Craig Monroe: Who?

Torii Hunter: Three words: Shit. Eating. Grin.

Angels and Giants: Part 1

Oh what a turmoil our local sports franchises have thrust upon us. And oh what a turmoil our carefully selected blog name is wreaking on my sports soul this weekend. Tuesdays With Torii was chosen with no small amount of brainstorming and mental gymnastics. It perfectly befit our sports and pop-culture leaning mentalities, as well as incorporated, at least in my eyes, the most magnanimous and engaging character on our favorite stick-and-ball club. If "Garnett" rhymed equally well when inserted into the title of a popular, cheesy, touching, yet slightly overrated novel, I may very well have pressed for a basketball-centric outlet. And these two giants of these two (fraternal, not identical) twin cities, and the manner in which they have now departed, are the subject of this post.

I loved loved love Kevin Garnett, and I'm not afraid to say it. As far as arbitrary lists involving sports "heroes" go, he is well up into the lofty heights on mine. The troposphere maybe. My connection with KG has a rich history, and is intertwined with my own personal basketball career in a way for which I will always be biased in his favor. Until I got old and my knees slowly turned into the consistency of a Jolly Rancher (green apple) left out in an acid rainstorm, basketball was by far the biggest sport in my life. The Wolves became our team, and their formative years were also mine. Drafting Garnett coincided with my entry into college, and the Wolves' transition to "adulthood" mirrored my own (those who maintain that I am one anyway). After college, I had the opportunity to be in two commercials with the Big Ticket for his (then) shoe company And 1 sports, and he did not disappoint in real life either. The upper part of my face and forehead debuted to critical acclaim during the All-Star game that year. As a basketball player, his skills perfectly befit my mental disposition for fandom -- intense, versatile, freakishly athletic, smooth. And the parts of his athletic personality fit too -- humble, loyal, extremely self-motivated. There is a lot there to respect. During the end of the last season and throughout this off-season the critics buzzed about one thing -- the time had come for KG to go elsewhere and the Wolves to start over. And this strange feeling came over me...acceptance. It felt right. And when the Celtics maneuvered to nab Ray Allen on draft night, I remember distinctly thinking that KG would go there. Now, I've never been a Boston Anything fan, the Sox least of all, but the Celtics a strong second (and the Bruins about 8th, even placing after Freddie Prinze's Cape Cod minor league baseball team in that movie where Jessica Biel is wet). But as soon as my all-time favorite basketball player became the third of a very Big 3, and with the Wolves impending sucktitude, I decided to adopt them. For 2 years. And a fan option on the third. I knew...KNEW...as soon as the three were assembled that they would perfectly compliment each other - and I truly wish I had documented this certainty for personal ego-stroking purposes....I knew before everyone else and all that. But that is minor, really. More importantly, so sue me, I like to watch fun things. Entertaining things. And I intuited almost immediately that this would be a fantastically fun team to watch exactly because of the way they would compliment each other -- a dominant frontcourt guy, a sniper, and a hyper-effective slasher. A hyper-competitive chest-beater leader-by-example, a cucumber-cool Jesus Shuttlesworth, and an existing team leader in need of someone(s) else to shoulder some Sisyphus duty. But maybe, just maybe, the reason I need to adopt the Celtics is also that me and the Wolves...well...we just need a nice long break from each other. I can watch them from a distance, you know, checking in from time to time. But me and McHale just have too much baggage to make this thing work right now. He messed up time and again (about 84 by my count) in trying to match complimenting players to my favorite 6'13" player, and worse, enabled his jackass buddy to save his own (jack)ass in the very fell swoop McHale could never accomplish in more than a decade's worth of trying.

Not that I'm bitter.

Stay tuned for Part 2...

(This post is mirrored at 6'2")

Two things I've read

First, it's the Torii watch. The White Sox are making efforts to talk with his agent. Torii in a Sox uni, kinda hurts. I imagine Ozzie like that kid in high school asking the prom queen out and she checks "maybe" on the note. The excitement builds and you ignore the potential let down if she eventually goes with the doofus hockey player. This isn't a real life experience, but it does provide me with the opportunity to say how much the class of 95 still thinks about Courtney Olson and Anna Siebert. Nice, worked them into another quote. Anyway, please Torii, if you don't come back here, please don't play there. I don't want to hear Hawk Harrelson say, "it's back, way back, put it on the board....NO. Torii makes another synsational catch for the Good Guys".

A Rod wants $350 million dollars with his next contract. The Yankees were going to offer an extension that would have been worth $230 million. That, obviously wasn't enough. Is anyone really going to pay that amount of money? Heal yes someone will. Baseball is so frickin financially Scroog McDuck right now that someone will pay it. Then ARod will build a large rectagular building with a big $ sign on it and dive off his diving board into his pool of gold coins. Then still suck in the playoffs, still hurt his club house, still make dumbass comments about other players and their relationship (Jeter) and cripple his teams chance to get better. Enjoy Cooperstown and being considered one of the top 5 players of all time. I dont want anything to do with you.