Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood?

If Nick Punto lived on my block,
The neighborhood association would fine him for improper lawn care due to all the games of hotbox he plays with the neighborhoods kids. (Kids=Lew Ford)

If Johan Santana lived on my block,
I’d have to shoo Bat-Girl, her plaid lawn chair and her binoculars off of my lawn on a daily basis.

If Francisco Liriano lived on my block,
I’d never get any sleep because the fire alarms would go off all night while F-Bomb dreamed of striking out more and more dirty White Sox.

If Brad Radke lived on my block,
I guarantee you that the neighborhood kids would ALWAYS ask him to pitch to them during street waffle-ball games.

If Kyle Lohse lived on my block,
He’d stay inside all the time, eventually turning into a sad character we just refer to as Boo Frequently.

If Michael Cuddyer lived on my block,
I would wonder why rabbits would be constantly appearing and disappearing from his lawn.

If Joe Nathan lived on my block,
I’d always laugh at how little he paid for A.J.’s old house.

If Shannon Stewart lived on my block,
I’d ask him to throw me my newspaper as he walked by every morning, and then laugh when it dropped three feet in front of me. Every time.

If Torii Hunter lived on my block,
He would organize block parties and neighborhood bbq’s, and everyone would love him. But all would secretly wonder if we’d be better off with someone who was just a little better at planning and coordinating.

If Joe Mauer lived on my block,
I’d be living in St. Paul.